The Thief of Bad Gags

Back in October of 2006, I mentioned that I purchased some old-time radio programs from my good friend Jerry Haendiges that included broadcasts from The Jack Carson Show, The Fitch Bandwagon (the Phil Harris & Alice Faye years, before they switched to their self-titled series sponsored by Rexall) and the Ray Milland laugh fest Meet Mr. McNutley.  I also bought a fourth series from Jer, one that I had planned to write about after tucking a few episodes under my belt…well, as you know by now, it’s often hard for me to get around to things as quickly as I would like.  But since I was doing some random surfing earlier today and discovered that someone referenced a TDOY post for an entry on Wikipedia, I decided to have a listen to this series: The Texaco Star Theater, Milton Berle’s radio farewell that ran a single season on ABC Radio beginning September 22, 1948.

Berle’s television show, as you’re no doubt familiar, was also known as The Texaco Star Theater (only it was televised on NBC-TV) and became one of the contributing factors to the phenomenal number of television set purchases in the halcyon days of the new medium.  On radio, however, The Texaco Star Theater had been on the air since 1938, as the generic banner for shows starring the likes of Adolphe Menjou, John Barrymore, Ken Murray, James Melton, Tony Martin and Alan Young.  (In fact, Fred Allen’s show was known by that title while he was on CBS from 1940-44.)

When Berle’s former NBC series was axed on April 13, 1948, he moved to the Life Savers network in the fall of 1948, bringing along with him former NBC stooges Arnold Stang, Pert Kelton, Jack Albertson, announcer Frank Gallop, and writers Nat Hiken and Aaron Ruben.  (These two scribes were also joined by the Simon Brothers, Neil and Danny.)  In later years, Milton remembered it as “the best radio show I ever did…a hell of a funny variety show.” Though it, too, was doomed to last only one season—it’s every bit as hilarious as his unjustly neglected NBC program, and it’s wonderful to be able to get the opportunity to listen to what is almost the complete run of the series.  One broadcast from November 24, 1948 features this amusing exchange between Berle and Stang (who apparently rejoined the series—my guess is probably because Henry Morgan’s ABC program had been cancelled):

BERLE: Uh, what is your name, young man?

STANG (loudly) My name is Milton Berle!

BERLE: Milton Berle?

STANG: Yeah, I see you’re confused…

BERLE: Yes…

STANG: …I suppose I’d better explain…

BERLE: I wish you would…

STANG: I’m not the Milton Berle that has a shoe store in the Bronx…

BERLE: You’re not…?

STANG: No…that’s the first thing people think of when they hear the name…

BERLE: Now, wait a minute…wait a minute…there’s another Milton Berle, the radio star…

STANG: Yeah, yeah, yeah…you’re making the same mistake a lot of people make…that’s Burl Ives…

BERLE: Now, wait a minute…wait…wait a minute…please…look, my name is Milton Berle, too…

STANG: Oh, so you’re one of those guys who right away takes a name the minute it becomes popular, huh?

BERLE: Wait a minute…takes a name?  That’s my real name!

STANG: Milton Berle?

BERLE: Yes!

STANG: I don’t get it…if you’re here tonight…

BERLE: Yes?

STANG: …who’s watchin’ the shoe store?

This broadcast is titled “A Salute to Thanksgiving,” and the funniest bit on this (and other Berle Theater broadcasts) emanate from a feature showcased on his 1947-48 program, “(Fill-in-the-blank) Forum,” which I suspect writer Hiken “liberated” from his former boss, Fred Allen.  Here, Uncle Miltie interviews Pert Kelton’s long-suffering housewife:

BERLE: Let’s hear from the women…the lady in the second row, opening a can of beer with her tooth…Madam, uh…what is your name?

KELTON: Tallulah Feeney—I’m a homemaker…

BERLE: I see…I see…and you have a problem concerning Thanksgiving, is that…

KELTON: Yeah…how can I keep my husband from eatin’ so much rich foods?  He’s a regular Barbara Glutton…

BERLE: He must like Thanksgiving, huh?

KELTON: And how…the last Thanksgivin’, the minute he woke up, he jumped out of bed and took a big bite out of the turkey…

BERLE: I see…you hadn’t cooked it yet?

KELTON: I hadn’t killed it yet…

BERLE: He eats a lot at Thanksgiving dinner?

KELTON: Oh, brother…he knocks off a huge meal and then rolls over and goes to sleep…

BERLE: But a man’s entitled to sleep after a heavy meal…

KELTON: With his head in the mashed potatoes?

BERLE: Oh!  Oh!  He’s sure a heavy eater…

KELTON: The doctor says he has a tapeworm…

BERLE: Tapeworm?  Does he watch his diet?

KELTON: Yeah…he stopped eatin’ tape…

BERLE: Well, that does it every time…

KELTON: What a clumsy jerk he is, carving our Thanksgivin’ turkey…every year he cuts off the same piece for me…

BERLE: What piece is that?

KELTON: His thumb…

BERLE: He’s really a pest around Thanksgiving, eh?

KELTON: He means well…today, he was helpin’ me in the kitchen…and it took him six hours to dress a turkey…

BERLE: Six hours?  Why, you could dress a dozen turkeys in that time…

KELTON: In slacks and sports shoes?

The Texaco Star Theater also carried over the “At Home with the Berles” feature prominently showcased during Milton’s NBC run (with Stang playing the part of Berle’s obnoxiously bratty son)—sadly, without the participation of Mary Shipp, who by that time had found steady work as night school teacher Miss Spaulding on Life with Luigi.  I’ve noticed, however, in sampling these shows that Jack Albertson was allowed to participate more in the sketches—Albertson had a recurring bit in which he played an influential figure (movie mogul, Broadway producer) infatuated with Berle (“So it was a flop…so I lost some money…I like show business…I like you…kill me!  I like you...”), but in this exchange from a December 8, 1948 broadcast he seems to have forgotten on which side his bread is buttered:

BERLE: Our questions tonight are on radio, and here’s our first contestant—are you ready, sir?

ALBERTSON: Yes, sir!

BERLE: All right…now, for ten dollars…who is the star of the Texaco Star Theater?

ALBERTSON: Milton Berle!

BERLE: Correct!  For twenty dollars, who is the star of the Texaco television show?

ALBERTSON: Milton Berle!

BERLE: Right!  Now you’re up to forty dollars…what comedian is known for his mother laughing at him?

ALBERTSON: Milton Berle!

BERLE: That’s right again…now, for eighty dollars…who do you think is the funniest comedian on the air?  (Long pause, accompanied by audience laughter) Come on—it’s for eighty dollars…

ALBERTSON: You keep the money…I’ll keep my self-respect!

BERLE (after the audience response dies down): Thank you, Henny Youngman…