“We’re gonna miss you around here, boy…”

Last night before leaving for work, I went searching through the voluminous Thrilling Days of Yesteryear archives to find a CD to listen to later on in the wee hours—and I chose a pair of Red Skelton programs from 1946 and 1947. (In keeping with this month’s April Fools theme, you understand.)

The first broadcast was originally heard over NBC Radio on June 4, 1946—the final program for the 1945-46 season (Skelton had returned to his show in December of 1945 after serving a hitch in the service for eighteen months):

RED: Well, Rod—tonight’s the last night!
ROD: Yes, Red—the last show of the season…why don’t you stay on the air during the heat of the summer?
RED: Why? The other shows don’t…
ROD: I know, but they don’t leave the audiences as cold as you do…
RED: Hey, tell me—what do you really think of my acting?
ROD: Well, really, Red…words fail me…
RED: Yeah, truthfully now…
ROD: …so I’ll use letters…
RED: Yeah?
ROD: P.U…
RED (ad-libbing): You proud of that, ain’tcha? You’ll wind up as head boy on Ben Ruben’s barracuda barge…

In that week’s “Skelton Scrapbook of Satire,” Red does a skit with Clem Kadiddlehopper, who gets a summer job at a gas station, and Junior, “the mean widdle kid,” who’s preparing to go on vacation:

NAMAW: Come on…let’s get on with our packing…
JUNIOR: Hey, how come we gonna go away, huh?
NAMAW: Your grandfather’s got a three-week vacation and we’re going to take a trip…we’ll pick him up downtown…
JUNIOR: Uh, where’s we going?
NAMAW: We’re going to Yellowstone National Park, Glacier National Park and then over into Canada…
JUNIOR: Well, does I get to go along, or is this gonna be a pleasure trip?
NAMAW: Well, of course! It’s going to be a wonderful trip!
JUNIOR: Oh goody! You gonna drive?
NAMAW: Yes!
JUNIOR: In our own car?
NAMAW: Yes!
JUNIOR: Pack it up full of groceries and stuff and bags?
NAMAW: Yes!
JUNIOR: Thousands and thousands of miles we’ll travel, huh?
NAMAW: Yes!
JUNIOR: Let’s fly—it’s quicker…
NAMAW: Oh, Junior…you’ll love Glacier Park…wild animals roaming around…
JUNIOR: Competition, huh? Well, you know what I’s gonna do?
NAMAW: What?
JUNIOR: I gonna feed the bear…I gotta real wive bear, I gonna feed him…
NAMAW: No, no…that’s something I want to warn you about right now…you can’t feed the bear…
JUNIOR: Why?
NAMAW: …because when all you have to give them is gone, they’ll bite you…
JUNIOR: Ah, nah…not me, boy…I’ll walk right up to the ol’ bear, and I’ll show him me teeth, you know…and I’ll stand wight there and let him charge me…and if he comes at me on his hind legs…with his mouth open…and his big, sharp teeth…and his fangs ready to bite me… (suddenly upset) Oh no no no no no no no!!!
NAMAW: Junior, what’s the matter?
JUNIOR: I just remembered I ain’t gotta gun, I ain’t gotta gun…
NAMAW: He scared himself…
JUNIOR: Yeah, I scared meself!!!
NAMAW: The bears won’t get you…
JUNIOR: Yes, they will, too…the bears will get me…
NAMAW: Aw, bless his little heart…
JUNIOR: Yeah, bless his widdle heart…
NAMAW: Why, if a bear should bite you, I’ll…I’ll shoot him!
JUNIOR: Yeah… (stopping short) Well, you wouldn’t have to do that, you know…if a bear bites me, in a couple of hours he’ll die from natural causes…

The second broadcast—dated September 9, 1947—is sort of a special occasion for Skelton; it celebrates his tenth year on radio (not on the program, you understand—his show for Raleigh debuted on October 7, 1941). Most of Red’s shows have a tendency to be sort of footloose and fancy free with the ad-libs, but this particular show has a real “loosey goosey” feel to it—he chats with a few members of the audience, and when he asks one gent, “Do you remember when I first went on the air for Raleigh?” the guy shoots back: “I think I was too young to understand you then…”

Listening to some of these Skelton shows, it’s hard not to notice the unsung contributions from Red’s announcer, Rod O’Connor. Announcer Truman Bradley (later of TV’s Science Fiction Theater) was Skelton’s pitchman from 1941-44, and while he read the sponsor’s commercials in a competent manner, O’Connor really added a great deal of zest to the proceedings—he was a great foil for Red, and he often played supporting parts in sketches from the “Scrapbook of Satire.” His timing is pretty first-rate, too; when Red off-handedly remarks that the sponsor doesn’t want any commercials on the show that evening, O’Connor quickly retorts, “Why, is he dead?” In this exchange, Rod plays straight man to perennial moron Clem Kadiddlehopper, who is brought on as the “President” of the “Red Skelton Fan Club”:

CLEM: Well, here I am! (sings) Do do do do do do do do do do do do…yes sirree, it’s good to be back…boy, I should be hot tonight—I just had a light lunch, you know…had a match in my mouth and I swallowed it…boy, it’s a brilliant way to waste money, to ask me to appear on a program…
ROD: Are you Clem Kadiddlehopper?
CLEM: Well, what do I look like, a human being?
ROD: Well, you’ll pardon me for saying so—but I’ve never seen anything like you before…
CLEM: Well, you’ll pardon me for saying so, but I ain’t neither…on second thought, I did…the cat drug it in one day, and…of course, we buried it three days later…
ROD: Well, how did you happen to become a Red Skelton fan?
CLEM (stammering): Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh…I’ll tell you in just a…well, one day… (ad-libs) had one of my teeth pulled and I talk with a limp now…one day, I was sashaying down the street, minding my bubble gum, see…and I bumped into him…well, I doff my chapeau and I wiggled my ears, kinda cute-like, you know…and I says, “Well, Red Skelton—howdy doody to you!” And he says, “What do you want, imbecile?” Well, sir…it sort of impressed me, the way that he knew me so well…
ROD: And ever since then you’ve been one of his fans?
CLEM: Yes, sir…I never missed one of his radio shows…every Thursday night I sit there, spellbound…
ROD: Thursday night?
CLEM: Yep!
ROD: Red Skelton’s on Tuesday night…
CLEM: He is?
ROD: Yes…
CLEM: Maybe that’s why I enjoy him so much…

It’s a typically funny Skelton broadcast, with a comic look at the highlights of his career (his first appearance on The Rudy Vallee Show, etc.) as dramatized by Red’s characters Willie Lump Lump and Deadeye. And of course. Junior:

(SFX: door open)
JUNIOR: Hey, Namaw! (SFX: door slam) Your widdle thorn in the side is home!
NAMAW: Good…now hurry and get dressed…we’re going to Red Skelton’s anniversary party…
JUNIOR: Red Skelton? You mean that good-lookin’ boy on the wadio?
NAMAW: That’s right…
JUNIOR: The one with the wed hair?
NAMAW: Yes!
JUNIOR: The big guy that talks like widdle kids?
NAMAW: Yes!
JUNIOR: Wouldn’t walk across the street to see the bum…

For further background on this immortal comedy great, I encourage you to check out this website.

”Aren’t we devils?”

Day 10 of "Twenty Days Well-Calculated to Keep You in Suspense."

Ghost Hunt

Hip disc jockey Smiley Smith (Ralph Edwards) has made arrangements to spend the night in a “haunted house” (notorious for four suicides committed within the last decade) as a publicity stunt. Joining him is Dr. Clarence Reed (Wilms Hilbert), a scientist with a passion for investigating psychic phenomena. The morning after, the house’s owner and the real estate agent arrive at the house to pick the two men up—and find Reed covered with blood and Smith…disappeared. The explanation for the disturbing events lies in a surviving wire recording made for Smith’s audience…

About fifty years before The Blair Witch Project hit movie screens, Suspense did the same story in the span of thirty minutes—but much more effectively and without the nausea-inducing camerawork of the 1999 hit film, either. Adapted by Walter Brown from a story written especially for Suspense by Herbert Russell Wakefield (known to many as “the father of the ghost story”), “Ghost Hunt,” originally broadcast over CBS June 23, 1949, follows on the heels of the previous week’s “The Trap” to score another one-two punch for the classic radio drama series.

As with the novelty of featuring Jim and Marian Jordan (a.k.a. “Fibber McGee & Molly”) in “Backseat Driver,” “Ghost Hunt” relies on some unusual casting in that the part of Smith is played by Ralph Edwards, host of two popular shows during the Golden Age of Radio (and later transplanted to television)—Truth or Consequences and This is Your Life. Edwards is truly a marvel in a role admittedly tailor-made for him; however, he reveals a previously undisclosed flair for the buskin, particularly in how his character’s mood changes from a sort of whistling-in-the-dark (“Where ghosts are concerned, I say live and let live…”) to outright hysteria and terror at the events happening around him. A top-notch episode from beginning to end, “Ghost Hunt” is definitely one that remains in the memory.

The Search For Isabel

Mild-mannered bank clerk Dick Brown (Red Skelton) no sooner has his new phone installed in his apartment when he begins to receive phone calls from various men asking to speak to Isabel LaRue. Brown starts to become obsessed with Isabel (Cathy Lewis), even to the point of dreaming about her—and sets out to track the elusive woman down.

MGM’s star comedian Red Skelton steps up to the Suspense microphone to display his dramatic talents in “The Search For Isabel,” originally broadcast on November 3, 1949—about a month after Red moved to CBS after a lengthy stint on NBC. Skelton was reported as saying that he was “terrified” at the prospect, but he turns in a respectable performance. The problem is, Skelton’s appearance is really the only thing the episode has to offer—the story is one of those weak, seriocomic pieces that Suspense had a tendency to slip into from time to time. (This handicap would later crop up, for example, in the episodes that Jack Benny did for the series; although I bow to no one in my admiration for Benny, his Suspense episodes are among my least favorites.)

“The Search For Isabel” was written by Richard Bodra, who originally had his script broadcast as an episode of The Clock (on April 22, 1948). The Clock (1946-48) was a short-lived anthology series on ABC Radio that was very similar to Suspense; in fact, when the program moved to the West Coast in 1948 (after a season on the East Coast) it regularly featured Suspense players like Lurene Tuttle, William Conrad, Jeanette Nolan and Elliott and Cathy Lewis. William Spier directed this series before returning to Suspense, and no doubt remembered this story when it came to choosing a proper vehicle for Skelton.

Christmas with Verna

Continuing with the sounds of the Christmas season, I listened to another holiday-themed broadcast of The Red Skelton Program last night, as originally heard over NBC Radio on December 25, 1945. My favorite Skelton shows are those broadcast between 1945-50, and the topicality of joking about food shortages is prevalent in this Christmas gift exchange between Red and announcer Rod O’Connor:

ROD: Well, speaking of gifts—here’s mine to you…uh, did anyone give you an electric toaster?

RED: Well, not that I know of…

ROD: Well, in case they do…this will come in handy…

RED: Gee…a loaf of bread! Gosh, you shouldn’t have done it, really…

ROD: Red…in the middle of the loaf…you’ll find three slices buttered…

RED: No kiddin’? Why did you say it—how will I get it home now? My life won’t be worth a nickel…well, here’s my gift to you…

ROD: Aw gee, Red…that’s swell…and it’s so beautifully wrapped, too…

RED: Yeah, in case you missed the news yesterday, that newspaper will come in handy…

The show’s vocalist, Anita Ellis, sings a nice version of “Toyland” and then we are treated to an early version of the Clem Kadiddlehopper Christmas-tree-salesman sketch that I commented on in an earlier post. Here, Clem’s girlfriend is played by actress GeGe Pearson:

SARAH DEW: Oh, howdy, Clem!

CLEM: Well, Sarah Dew! Howdy doody to you, too! Gee, you look like a million dollars tonight…

SARAH: Well, have you ever seen a million dollars, Clem?

CLEM: Nope…that’s what I mean…you look like somethin’ I ain’t never seen (to audience) She didn’t get, it’s too fast for her…

(snip)

CLEM: Say, what did Santy Claus…uh…gonna bring ya, did you tell him what you wanted yet? I did…

SARAH: Oh, Clem…aren’t ya just a little too big fer Santa Claus? You are an adult…

CLEM: Now, just a minute! Let’s not spread that around…it may mean what I think it does…

SARAH: Well, what did you ask fer?

CLEM: Page 30 of Esquire in person! Boy, oh boy! Finest picture of a bird dog I ever seen…beautiful girls, too…

SARAH: Oh, Clem…don’t talk like an idiot…you know them girls there…them there models are jest a dime a dozen…

CLEM: A dime a dozen? For them models? Gee, and I’ve been buying licorice all this time…

Then Rod O’Connor arrives on the scene, and the skit continues in the vein of the December 19, 1951 show—concrete proof that the concept of recycling was nothing new to both comedians and their writers.

When Skelton returned to the airwaves on December 4, 1945 after his hitch in the military, his program featured a mostly brand-new cast, including veteran radio actress Verna Felton. Felton kept quite busy during the Golden Age of Radio, appearing on the Abbott & Costello, Joan Davis, Judy Canova, and Rudy Vallee shows. She was also a regular on such radio sitcoms as Point Sublime, Meet Mr. McNutley, and My Little Margie (she played neighbor Mrs. Odetts on the radio version, the TV version starred Gertrude Hoffman). Prior to her work on the Skelton show, her most famous radio role as that of Dennis Day’s mother on The Jack Benny Program. She was prominently featured in that part when the tenor made his first appearances in 1939; Mrs. Day was a feisty old battleaxe who would constantly berate Benny for exploiting her son. When Jack would protest to the contrary (although there was a small kernel of truth to her accusations as Dennis was contractually obligated to mow Benny’s lawn every week) she would usually cut him off with an “Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh—shut up!”

Verna proved to be the perfect foil for Red’s “mean widdle kid” character, playing Grandma (or “Namaw,” as Junior called her) to his memorable little demon-on-wheels. In this December 25, 1945 show, she’s taken him to a department store to visit Santa Claus:

NAMAW: Goodness, this store is really crowded…

JUNIOR: Ain’t it crowded though? And what an inspiration…boy, what a spot to yell “fire” in…

NAMAW: Junior! You wouldn’t do anything naughty like that now, would you? (laughing) You’re kidding me…

JUNIOR (laughing with her): Yeah, you just keep laughing, kiddo, that’s all…you take these handcuffs off me, I’ll show ya, boy…

NAMAW: Junior, now stay with Grandma…

JUNIOR: Yes, ma’am…I won’t run away because if I got lost you would worry…

NAMAW: Yes I would, Junior…I’d be afraid I might find you again…

JUNIOR: Boy…you sure does love me, don’t ya, huh…

NAMAW: I can’t figure out why you’re so good all of a sudden…

JUNIOR: It’s the night before Christmas and all through the house…nothing is stirring, not even this louse….

NAMAW: Now, now…this good behavior just before Christmas won’t get you anywhere…

JUNIOR: Well, what has I done wrong this year?

NAMAW: I’ll tell you…

JUNIOR: No, no…never mind, never mind…I know, you know…but let’s keep it away from Santa Claus, huh? He’s not interested in these domestic problems…besides, why make him change his list at this late date, you know?

Felton also played a funny role in some of Red’s later CBS programs—a cantankerous next-door neighbor named Mrs. Fussy. But she wasn’t just constricted to radio—she had a busy career in films, with roles in The Gunfighter (1950), Don’t Bother to Knock (1952), and Picnic (1955). (In an interesting bit of casting, she also plays the part of Junior’s mother in Red Skelton’s 1948 screen comedy The Fuller Brush Man—in which his salesman character runs into the “mean widdle kid” from the radio show.) Add to this a recurring role as Hilda Crocker on the TV sitcom December Bride (she was sidekick to Spring Byington’s Lily Ruskin) and much voice work in Disney films (Cinderella, Alice in Wonderland, Sleeping Beauty) and it’s no surprise that she is so fondly remembered by classic film and OTR fans alike.

Junior finally gets to talk to the “big man from the North Pole”; actor Arthur Q. Bryan guest stars as St. Nicholas, as Junior sits on his lap:

JUNIOR: My, look at that nice, long beard you has…it’s so soft it looks like five o’clock shadow with snow in it, don’t it? Boy, if I only had a pair of scissors (laughs) I kiddin’, I kiddin’…I wouldn’t touch it…

SANTA: And what would you like more than anything else?

JUNIOR: Well…a pair of scissors, I guess…

SANTA (laughing) Let’s talk about you…have you been a good boy?

JUNIOR: No, let’s talk about you, huh…you is really a nice old man, you know…I’ve been a pretty good boy…

SANTA: You wouldn’t be trying to flatter me, would you?

JUNIOR: You a trusting old soul, ain’t ya?

SANTA: Have you been a good boy?

JUNIOR: Well…for the past week…I will admit I has been pretty good but it makes me sick to think about it, you know…

SANTA: What about the other 358 days?

JUNIOR: Well…I ain’t been idle, you know…

Blending smiles with pathos, Skelton’s Junior asks Santa Claus only for a Christmas tree—and several other unselfish things, like the elimination of prejudice and war, and a hope that things will be easier in postwar times. I have to say, this particular broadcast was even better than the previous one I listened to—with some solid laughs and lovely holiday music throughout.

The Skelton Scrapbook of Satire

By the 1950’s, famed radio comedian Red Skelton had moved his show to CBS, and the format of his popular comedy program has changed. Before, the show had consisted of a series of sketches tied to an underlying theme; but the new Skelton show usually had a basic storyline, whereupon Red and his announcer Rod O’Connor would encounter the famous Skelton characters along the way. Such is the case with the December 19, 1951 Christmas program, which is set against a backdrop of a pageant entitled “The Little Christmas Tree.” As Red says to kick things off, “The characters in our show are fictional…any similarity to persons living would be better off dead.”

Junior—the “mean widdle kid”—is the titular star of the Christmas pageant, although he’s a tad reluctant:

MUMMY: Now hurry, Junior…you’re the star…

JUNIOR: Don’t pull me like that!

MUMMY: Now, wait a minute…you’re the star of the Christmas pageant…you don’t want to be late!

JUNIOR: I don’t want to be in it to begin with! That stuff is sissy stuff! Why, if playing with girls and stuff like that…if it ever gets back to the Skunk Patrol I’ll be demoted from a stinker to a sniff!

Junior’s mother (Lurene Tuttle) manages to drag him to the auditorium, where they meet the stage manager (Pat McGeehan) and announcer Rod O’Connor (or as Junior refers to him, “blubber boy”):

MANAGER: Good evening, Lurene and Junior…well, here’s your Christmas tree costume…

MUMMY: Do those lights work?

MANAGER; Ah, yes, they do…

JUNIOR: Oh good! This is one Christmas I can get lit up before Pop does!

ROD: Those wires don’t have any shorts in them, do they?

JUNIOR (trying to be helpful) I have shorts on!

ROD: We wouldn’t want Junior to get electrocuted…

MUMMY: Oh, good heavens, no…he’s wearing his good suit…

MANAGER: Well…shall we get dressed, Junior?

JUNIOR: Yeah, why does I has to be a Christmas tree? Why couldn’t I be a widdle angel?

ROD: Oh, you dreamer you…

After a song (“When the World Was Young”) by female vocalist Jean Pewter, the pageant gets under way. The setting is a forest filled with fir trees; the trees happy and content co-existing peacefully with nature…one day, the trees hear a voice in the whispering wind:

VOICE: Each living thing is here to serve a purpose…now you are growing in Mother Nature’s storehouse…but soon, Man will come and take you away…some will become houses…churches…furniture…but regardless of how you may be used, remember…it is my will that you serve well…

Into the forest ride two men—one of whom is the one-and-only Deadeye (“Whoa! Whoooaaa! Ah, come on, horse, whoa!”):

DEADEYE: You know, every year ‘round this time I get a feelin’ like I’d like to give somethin’ away…but I ain’t got nothin’ to give…I think I’ll go over to the bank and get some money and give you half of it…

COWBOY: The bank is closed…

DEADEYE: I wasn’t gonna make out a withdrawal slip…

COWBOY: Deadeye, why don’t you reform and take home a honest man’s pay?

DEADEYE: I will…you show me where he hides it and I’ll take it home…

The two men discuss chopping down a few trees and taking them to town to sell to folks for Christmas. Deadeye has his particular eye on a little fir tree in the distance:

COWBOY: Say…ain’t we got enough trees, Deadeye?

DEADEYE: Nope…there’s one more up there, that little special tree—that’s the one I want…

COWBOY: Look, we’ve been climbing for that tree for three hours…I’m mighty hungry…

DEADEYE: Yeah? What are you gripin’ about? My hands are frozen…I’ve been holdin’ my pants up with my teeth…and that ain’t easy…

COWBOY: Why?

DEADEYE: No teeth…hey, forget about food…start thinkin’ about women…

COWBOY: Well, I’d rather think about food…

DEADEYE: Than women?

COWBOY: Yeah…

DEADEYE: Boy, I hope I never get that hungry…

Deadeye and friend ride into town and sell the trees—many of them are bought by a Christmas tree salesman with the nom de plume of Clem Kadiddlehopper, who attempts to sell a tree to Rod O’Connor:

CLEM: Howdy, howdy there! Would you like to buy a Christmas tree?

ROD: Well, that depends…uh…what do you have in a real cheap tree?

CLEM: Termites.

ROD: Termites?

CLEM: Yeah, what did you expect…owls? What do you wanna pay?

ROD: Well, uh…what have you got for about two dollars?

CLEM: Two dollars?

ROD: Mm-hmm…

CLEM: There’s a nice, hairy broomstick over here…

ROD: No, no, no…I need a tree…let me look at something for two dollars…

CLEM: Well…that’s a little high for a look, but…if you can afford it, go ahead…

ROD: If you’ve got anything cheaper than two dollars, I’ll take it…what do you have?

CLEM: I’ll tell you, Sporty…here’s a packet of seeds…but I don’t think they’ll sprout by Christmas…

O’Connor decides on the little fir tree, and it is brought home, placed in the living room and decorated for the Christmas holiday. But the tree is experiencing a great deal of melancholy, as it is uncertain as to what purpose he is supposed to serve. A visit in the night from a weary Santa Claus (Pat McGeehan) helps to put things into perspective:

SANTA: My, what a beautiful Christmas tree…

TREE (Junior): Thank you!

SANTA (startled): What?

TREE: I said “thank you”…you said I was beautiful, and I said “thank you”…

SANTA: By golly…ol’ Santa Claus’ ears are playing tricks on him…I could have sworn that that tree spoke…

TREE: I did, Santa Claus!

SANTA: But why in such a sad way? Christmas tree are supposed to be happy!

TREE: Well, I can’t be happy—I was told by a kind voice that I was to serve a purpose…but I can’t figure out what it is…

Santa explains to the little tree that he is already serving his purpose…and that he will understand fully in the morning, when the children awake on Christmas morning and laugh and dance around the tree. But the little tree—who seems to be suffering from more than a few neuroses—is bummed because he has a sense of his own mortality: that in a few days, his needles will turn brown and drop off and he will die. That’s when Santa—and this is kind of typical of many of the Skelton shows from this time period—informs him that things could be worse; he could be a Christmas tree in the Soviet Union:

SANTA: You know…tonight, I paid a visit to a place…and knocked two of my reindeer cold…it was dark, you see…and we ran head onto an Iron Curtain…I should have known I wasn’t wanted when I didn’t see one Christmas tree…to help light my way…there wasn’t one child’s stocking to be filled…not one church holding services…and it was a great, vast place—all without spiritual guidance…

Of course, Santa’s left out the Soviet Union’s large Muslim and Jewish populations—who might not have Christmas trees—in his little Cold War lecture, but that’s neither here nor there. The little tree, thankful that he’s not a Commie, finally understands his special purpose (please, no The Jerk jokes). I think there’s a lesson in there for all of us. It may be dated, but this edition of The Red Skelton Show still provides good, hearty holiday laughs and cheer.

"We're gonna miss you around here, boy..."

When I was growing up, part of my lifelong devotion to comedy—in film, television, and OTR—was my obsession in seeing if I could make people laugh just like my comedic idols. I was pretty young at the time, and I remember telling a joke to my parents. When I didn’t get the response I anticipated, I started laughing in an effort to drown out the accompaniment of chirping crickets.

My Dad frowned at me. “You’re some comedian, laughing at your own jokes.”

I thought about this for a minute. “Red Skelton’s a comedian who laughs at his own jokes,” I argued.

“He does not.”

A few weeks later, Skelton was doing a PBS special and sure enough, he would laugh along with the audience. Grinning, I wasted no time in pointing this out to my father.

Dad let that register for a minute, then replied: “Yeah, but you’re no Red Skelton.”

I'll come clean and admit that I’m a huge Skelton fan. What’s odd about this is: I can’t quite figure out why. His humor is completely devoid of any kind of sophistication, his jokes are straight out of Joe Miller, and he’s corny and lowbrow to the extreme.

But when I listen to his old-time radio broadcasts, I laugh like a hyena. I think it’s because Skelton was essentially a clown (a TV ad selling Skelton’s old shows on DVD has Jerry Lewis touting him as “the clown master”); a comic with such an irresistibly goofy nature you just can’t help but guffaw at his antics. One of my favorite Skelton quotes goes: “I know I’m nuts—but as long as I make ‘em laugh they’re not gonna lock me up.”

Skelton, a Vincennes, Indiana native, was a jack-of-all-trades in the area of show business. The son of a circus clown, he later followed in his father’s footsteps; but he also worked medicine shows, vaudeville, burlesque, showboats and even the walkabout circuit. It was during an engagement at the Pantages Theater in Kansas in 1930 that Red met Edna Stillwell—who could very well have laid claim to being the catalyst that propelled Skelton to fame. Lean and hungry years followed their marriage in 1931, until Red—much like Edgar Bergen—got a break at the big time with an appearance on Rudy Vallee’s program on August 12, 1937. He revisited Vallee's show for a return engagement two weeks later, and then a third time in November of that year—but whatever lightning that had worked so well for Bergen failed to strike twice for Skelton.

In 1938, Edna (who had taken on the responsibility of Red’s business manager/head writer, and would remain so for many years even after their divorce in 1943) created a hilarious sketch in which Skelton demonstrated the various ways people would dunk doughnuts. Although devouring a dozen doughnuts for each appearance (doing three shows a day) soon packed on thirty-five pounds to his frame, Red had hit the big time; he was hired by RKO to do the sketch in their film adaptation of Having Wonderful Time (1938). Soon after, he began his first headlining role on network radio with Avalon Time, debuting over NBC on January 7, 1939. The comedy-variety show, which also featured Edna, country singer Red Foley, and Marlin Hurt (who would later become famous as “Beulah” on Fibber McGee & Molly) was a slight but amusing series that lasted about a year (many of these broadcasts are in circulation), and provided fans the opportunity to hear a younger, embryonic version of the later Skelton.

The Raleigh Cigarette Program Starring Red Skelton premiered over NBC on October 7, 1941—and it remains today the radio show for which Red is best remembered. On this series, Red began impersonating his gallery of zany characters: Junior, Clem Kadiddlehopper, Deadeye, Willie Lump-Lump, and many, many others. Joining him on the show were talented African-American comic Wonderful Smith, a young Ozzie Nelson, and Ozzie’s wife—billed as Harriet Hilliard at that time. Ozzie’s band provided music for the Skelton show, and Hilliard—the female vocalist of Oz’s tuneful congregation—played many of the female roles opposite Red (she was “Mummy” to Skelton’s “Junior,” “Daisy June” to his “Clem Kadiddlehopper,” etc.). The show soon skyrocketed to the top of the ratings, and frequently challenged The Bob Hope Show and Fibber McGee & Molly for the top spot among comedy programs.

The April 25, 1944 broadcast that I listened to last night is prime Skelton; and I enjoyed it particularly for the participation of Ozzie & Harriet, who warble a fine version of “Milkman, Keep Those Bottles Quiet.” (Many of the 1941-44 Skelton programs featuring the Nelsons were unavailable to collectors for many years until Radio Spirits released a collection with programs provided by the Skelton estate.) The program also has famed Jack Benny player Frank Nelson as the show’s announcer (“Does your cigarette taste different lately?”) The first segment of the show, tagged “People in Our American Way of Life,” would feature Red interviewing a typical John Q. Public with an occupation of interest; in this show, he chats with—and plays straight-man to—circus barker Norman Carroll:

RED: How are you there, Mr. Carroll?

CARROLL: How are you, Red…

RED: I’m fine…tell me, Norman…what’s life like under the big top?

CARROLL: Just like a portable, small town…

RED: Well…aren’t the neighbors a little freakish?

CARROLL: Aren’t neighbors generally?

With the introduction of Carroll, the theme of the show—“Under the Big Top”—is established, and in the first sketch Red plays one of his lesser-known characters, Bolivar Shagnasty. I’ve noticed that Shagnasty—a wisecracking Brooklynese type—got quite a workout in the prewar Skelton broadcasts; later on, especially after Skelton jumped ship to CBS (in 1949), he wasn’t heard from much, dwarfed by more popular characters like Deadeye and Cauliflower McPugg. Here, Bolivar is a barker himself, who finds himself accosted by a woman (played by the delightful Bea Benaderet) seeking circus employment:

WANDA: Hello, I wanna see the boss…

BOLIVAR: Well, what do I look like?

WANDA: Someone who’s AWOL from the sideshow…listen, I wanna a job…

BOLIVAR: Look, lady, I’m sorry…we don’t need no stake drivers…

WANDA: I’m a performer!

BOLIVAR: Oh, a performer, huh…and your forte?

WANDA: No, I’m only thirty-one…

BOLIVAR: I mean, what’s your speciality?

WANDA: Oh! I do a jitterbug dance with an elephant.

BOLIVAR: A jitterbug dance with an elephant?

WANDA: Yeah…and with G.I. shoes on…

BOLIVAR: Say, that’s quite a novelty…an elephant and a monkey doin’ a jitterbug dance together…where’s your elephant?

WANDA: Oh, I don’t have an elephant…I just use my imagination…

BOLIVAR: Well, Sister…you’re gonna find that a real elephant is just four tons heavier than your imagination…

WANDA: Ain’t you got none with the circus?

BOLIVAR: Oh, sure…none that’s been out dancin’ lately, though…

Clem Kadiddlehopper, one of Red’s most popular and endearing characters, is the star attraction of the next sketch—Clem was a bucolic buffoon, who made Edgar Bergen’s Mortimer Snerd look like a Rhodes scholar. His most memorable catchphrase was usually uttered after his girlfriend Daisy June (played by Harriet Hilliard) arrived on the scene (“We-e-e-e-l-l-l-l Da-a-a-a-a-aisy Ju-u-u-u-u-une!”) Daisy June has her doubts about Clem wanting to become the new lion tamer for the circus currently in town:

DAISY: Clem…you ain’t going in no cage with the lion, ‘er ya? Are ya that brave?

CLEM: Brave, she asks…you see this medal? That one’s for rescuin’ a woman from a burning building…and this one’s for disarmin’ a dangerous criminal…and this one over here…

DAISY: What’s this one fer?

CLEM: I don’t know…the feller at the pawnshop couldn’t explain that one…

Clem, being the idiot he is (and fiercely proud of it), is convinced by the circus manager to have a go:

MANAGER: Come on now, get in with the lion….

(SFX: cage opening)

CLEM: Well, put me down, will ya? I’ll get in myself…

MANAGER: Go ahead, go ahead…you don’t want your girl to think you’re yellow…?

CLEM: Well, don’t push me, will ya?!!! (SFX: cage closing, lion roar) (to audience) Now, if Mr. Raleigh is listening in, he’ll swear that lion says that your cigarette tastes different lately…well, how are you there, Big Boy? (SFX: lion roar) You gonna be friends with me, Leo? (SFX: lion roar) I do hope he said yes…boy, I wish I was Johnny Weissmuller right now…

DAISY: Why? ‘Cause he can handle wild beasts?

CLEM: No…because he’s at home…

MANAGER: Now, Clem, here’s the act you do…

CLEM: Yeah?

MANAGER: First, you stick your head in the lion’s mouth…

CLEM: Mm-hmm…

MANAGER: Then, for an encore, he sticks his head in your mouth…

CLEM: What makes you think there’s gonna be an encore?

The last sketch features one of Red’s funniest characters, Junior—“the mean widdle kid”. Charlie McCarthy had nothing on this child—McCarthy could be a wisenheimer, but Junior was a genuine holy terror. What McCarthy only talked about (usually while getting a lecture from Bergen), Junior actually executed. Junior has talked his mother into taking him to the circus, and mother and child are busy walking around, checking out the sights:

MUMMY: Oh, look over there, Junior…Junior, where are you?

JUNIOR: Here I is…sittin’ here with a gorilla!

MUMMY: Junior! Get out of there, do you want the gorilla to bite you and get sick? You know you’re not supposed to be in there…

JUNIOR: I know! I told him that as he pulled me through the bars!

Junior’s modus operandi on the show was generally to leave a path of complete mayhem and destruction in every direction he went. His declaration of “If I dood it—I dets a whippin’…I dood it!” became a popular national catchphrase (and also the title of a 1943 MGM musical). Junior’s mummy makes the mistake of leaving Junior unattended, and the little darlin’ decides to see what’s going on at the monkey cage:

WORKER: I’m going to go get some water…

JUNIOR: You is?

WORKER: You won’t open that cage door, will you?

JUNIOR (evil laugh): Awww…noooo, noooo…

WORKER: Now, I knew you wouldn’t…because you’re a good little boy…

JUNIOR (to audience) Trusting old soul, ain’t he? Oh, the coast is clear…now I’m going to crawl in the cage with the widdle monkeys (SFX: cage opening, closing) Well, hello, neighbors! How you guys stand in the draft, huh? Oh, here comes Mummy…here comes Mummy…

MUMMY: Good heavens…I hate to admit it, but there’s a monkey in there that looks just like Junior…

JUNIOR (hamming it up): Please, peanuts…please, peanuts!

MUMMY: Well, I’ll feed you little fellows right away, you…JUNIOR!!!

JUNIOR: Don’t yell! You scared me, too!

MUMMY: Oh! You get out of that cage!

(SFX: cage opening)

JUNIOR: Okay…

(SFX: cage closing)

MUMMY: My goodness! Now give me your hand…you won’t get away from me anymore...(SFX: walking) My goodness, Junior…your hands are getting hairy…

JUNIOR: Hey, Mummy! You look awfully silly walking alone with that monkey there!

Skelton temporarily closed up shop on June 6, 1944; he had been drafted in March of that same year and spent 18 months out of the public eye in the military, finally returning to NBC Radio on December 4, 1945. By that time, Ozzie & Harriet had moved on to their own program, The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet, and actress GeGe Pearson replaced Harriet in the female parts, including a new girlfriend for Clem Kadiddlehopper in the guise of Sarah Dew. Pearson was then replaced by veteran radio actress Lurene Tuttle; other welcome additions to the Skelton program were announcer Rod O’Connor, who was an all-purpose foil to most of Red’s characters; and the falling-down funny Verna Felton, who provided king-size laughs in her clashes with “the mean widdle kid” as Junior’s “Nammaw.”

Leonard Maltin once marveled at Skelton’s success because his career seemed to violate so many rules: for example, he was a comedian whose jokes were rurally-oriented at a time when radio humor was becoming slicker and more urban-based. He also—shades of Edgar Bergen—achieved more success on radio than television; indeed much of the humor that he began performing on the new medium (he had made the leap to the tube in 1951) was firmly pantomime in nature. For me, Skelton’s radio shows are far superior to his televised offerings; the wonderful gallery of grotesques he created seem to play better on radio, where it’s much easier for my imagination to do all the work.