“We’re gonna miss you around here, boy…”

Last night before leaving for work, I went searching through the voluminous Thrilling Days of Yesteryear archives to find a CD to listen to later on in the wee hours—and I chose a pair of Red Skelton programs from 1946 and 1947. (In keeping with this month’s April Fools theme, you understand.)

The first broadcast was originally heard over NBC Radio on June 4, 1946—the final program for the 1945-46 season (Skelton had returned to his show in December of 1945 after serving a hitch in the service for eighteen months):

RED: Well, Rod—tonight’s the last night!
ROD: Yes, Red—the last show of the season…why don’t you stay on the air during the heat of the summer?
RED: Why? The other shows don’t…
ROD: I know, but they don’t leave the audiences as cold as you do…
RED: Hey, tell me—what do you really think of my acting?
ROD: Well, really, Red…words fail me…
RED: Yeah, truthfully now…
ROD: …so I’ll use letters…
RED: Yeah?
ROD: P.U…
RED (ad-libbing): You proud of that, ain’tcha? You’ll wind up as head boy on Ben Ruben’s barracuda barge…

In that week’s “Skelton Scrapbook of Satire,” Red does a skit with Clem Kadiddlehopper, who gets a summer job at a gas station, and Junior, “the mean widdle kid,” who’s preparing to go on vacation:

NAMAW: Come on…let’s get on with our packing…
JUNIOR: Hey, how come we gonna go away, huh?
NAMAW: Your grandfather’s got a three-week vacation and we’re going to take a trip…we’ll pick him up downtown…
JUNIOR: Uh, where’s we going?
NAMAW: We’re going to Yellowstone National Park, Glacier National Park and then over into Canada…
JUNIOR: Well, does I get to go along, or is this gonna be a pleasure trip?
NAMAW: Well, of course! It’s going to be a wonderful trip!
JUNIOR: Oh goody! You gonna drive?
NAMAW: Yes!
JUNIOR: In our own car?
NAMAW: Yes!
JUNIOR: Pack it up full of groceries and stuff and bags?
NAMAW: Yes!
JUNIOR: Thousands and thousands of miles we’ll travel, huh?
NAMAW: Yes!
JUNIOR: Let’s fly—it’s quicker…
NAMAW: Oh, Junior…you’ll love Glacier Park…wild animals roaming around…
JUNIOR: Competition, huh? Well, you know what I’s gonna do?
NAMAW: What?
JUNIOR: I gonna feed the bear…I gotta real wive bear, I gonna feed him…
NAMAW: No, no…that’s something I want to warn you about right now…you can’t feed the bear…
JUNIOR: Why?
NAMAW: …because when all you have to give them is gone, they’ll bite you…
JUNIOR: Ah, nah…not me, boy…I’ll walk right up to the ol’ bear, and I’ll show him me teeth, you know…and I’ll stand wight there and let him charge me…and if he comes at me on his hind legs…with his mouth open…and his big, sharp teeth…and his fangs ready to bite me… (suddenly upset) Oh no no no no no no no!!!
NAMAW: Junior, what’s the matter?
JUNIOR: I just remembered I ain’t gotta gun, I ain’t gotta gun…
NAMAW: He scared himself…
JUNIOR: Yeah, I scared meself!!!
NAMAW: The bears won’t get you…
JUNIOR: Yes, they will, too…the bears will get me…
NAMAW: Aw, bless his little heart…
JUNIOR: Yeah, bless his widdle heart…
NAMAW: Why, if a bear should bite you, I’ll…I’ll shoot him!
JUNIOR: Yeah… (stopping short) Well, you wouldn’t have to do that, you know…if a bear bites me, in a couple of hours he’ll die from natural causes…

The second broadcast—dated September 9, 1947—is sort of a special occasion for Skelton; it celebrates his tenth year on radio (not on the program, you understand—his show for Raleigh debuted on October 7, 1941). Most of Red’s shows have a tendency to be sort of footloose and fancy free with the ad-libs, but this particular show has a real “loosey goosey” feel to it—he chats with a few members of the audience, and when he asks one gent, “Do you remember when I first went on the air for Raleigh?” the guy shoots back: “I think I was too young to understand you then…”

Listening to some of these Skelton shows, it’s hard not to notice the unsung contributions from Red’s announcer, Rod O’Connor. Announcer Truman Bradley (later of TV’s Science Fiction Theater) was Skelton’s pitchman from 1941-44, and while he read the sponsor’s commercials in a competent manner, O’Connor really added a great deal of zest to the proceedings—he was a great foil for Red, and he often played supporting parts in sketches from the “Scrapbook of Satire.” His timing is pretty first-rate, too; when Red off-handedly remarks that the sponsor doesn’t want any commercials on the show that evening, O’Connor quickly retorts, “Why, is he dead?” In this exchange, Rod plays straight man to perennial moron Clem Kadiddlehopper, who is brought on as the “President” of the “Red Skelton Fan Club”:

CLEM: Well, here I am! (sings) Do do do do do do do do do do do do…yes sirree, it’s good to be back…boy, I should be hot tonight—I just had a light lunch, you know…had a match in my mouth and I swallowed it…boy, it’s a brilliant way to waste money, to ask me to appear on a program…
ROD: Are you Clem Kadiddlehopper?
CLEM: Well, what do I look like, a human being?
ROD: Well, you’ll pardon me for saying so—but I’ve never seen anything like you before…
CLEM: Well, you’ll pardon me for saying so, but I ain’t neither…on second thought, I did…the cat drug it in one day, and…of course, we buried it three days later…
ROD: Well, how did you happen to become a Red Skelton fan?
CLEM (stammering): Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh…I’ll tell you in just a…well, one day… (ad-libs) had one of my teeth pulled and I talk with a limp now…one day, I was sashaying down the street, minding my bubble gum, see…and I bumped into him…well, I doff my chapeau and I wiggled my ears, kinda cute-like, you know…and I says, “Well, Red Skelton—howdy doody to you!” And he says, “What do you want, imbecile?” Well, sir…it sort of impressed me, the way that he knew me so well…
ROD: And ever since then you’ve been one of his fans?
CLEM: Yes, sir…I never missed one of his radio shows…every Thursday night I sit there, spellbound…
ROD: Thursday night?
CLEM: Yep!
ROD: Red Skelton’s on Tuesday night…
CLEM: He is?
ROD: Yes…
CLEM: Maybe that’s why I enjoy him so much…

It’s a typically funny Skelton broadcast, with a comic look at the highlights of his career (his first appearance on The Rudy Vallee Show, etc.) as dramatized by Red’s characters Willie Lump Lump and Deadeye. And of course. Junior:

(SFX: door open)
JUNIOR: Hey, Namaw! (SFX: door slam) Your widdle thorn in the side is home!
NAMAW: Good…now hurry and get dressed…we’re going to Red Skelton’s anniversary party…
JUNIOR: Red Skelton? You mean that good-lookin’ boy on the wadio?
NAMAW: That’s right…
JUNIOR: The one with the wed hair?
NAMAW: Yes!
JUNIOR: The big guy that talks like widdle kids?
NAMAW: Yes!
JUNIOR: Wouldn’t walk across the street to see the bum…

For further background on this immortal comedy great, I encourage you to check out this website.