George: "If it weren’t for Gracie, I could figure my income tax out much easier…" Bill: "If it weren’t for Gracie, you wouldn’t have any to figure…"

The more Burns & Allen radio shows I listen to, the more I remain convinced that the husband-and-wife comedy team did their best work during Radio’s Golden Age. Of their many broadcasts, the ones that feature guest stars are my personal favorites, but since this Radio's Greatest Sitcoms CD doesn’t showcase any big names I had to settle for mirth from George & Gracie alone. The first show, originally heard over NBC (as Maxwell House Coffee Time) on January 15, 1948, finds George struggling to complete his and Gracie’s tax return, with Gracie all-too-eager to help:

GEORGE: Now let’s see…figuring our income on the basis of the community property law…that would make, um…
GRACIE: What law, George?
GEORGE: The community property law…that’s the California law that says half of everything I’ve got is yours, and half of everything you’ve got is mine…
GRACIE: Oh? Then how come I only get one-fourth of the money we make?
GEORGE: Well…that’s the way it works out, dear…look, I’ll show you…here in my hand is a dollar in change (SFX: clinking coins)…
GRACIE: Yeah…
GEORGE: Now, half of everything I’ve got is yours…so here’s fifty cents…
GRACIE: Ah…thank you…
GEORGE: Now half of everything you’ve got is mine—how much have you got?
GRACIE: Fifty cents…
GEORGE: Half of it is mine, hand it over…there…see how it works?
GRACIE: I see who it works…now let’s try that again, and this time I’ll start with a dollar…
GEORGE: Okay…
GRACIE: Now…half of everything I’ve got is yours…so here’s fifty cents…
GEORGE: Thank you…
GRACIE: And half…uh…how does the second part go?
GEORGE: Half of everything you’ve got is mine…how much have you got?
GRACIE: Fifty cents…
GEORGE: Half of it is mine…hand it over…
GRACIE: Here…
GEORGE: Thanks…
GRACIE: Oh…you were right, George—it comes out the same way no matter how you do it…
GEORGE: Well, sure…
GRACIE: Ah, I’ll bet you get tired of me being so stupid, huh?
GEORGE; Well, sometimes it comes in real handy…

After George gets through showing Gracie that seven times thirteen does equal forty-two, Gracie demonstrates how comedy comes in threes:

GEORGE: Now, let me figure some of the income tax deductions…let’s see, business expense…
GRACIE: Now what does that mean?
GEORGE: Well, whenever we have a guest star on our program, we always take him to dinner…that’s a business expense…let’s see—now, we took Cary Grant to dinner…
GRACIE: But he paid the check, remember?
GEORGE: Oh yeah—that’s right, he did…well, we took Bing Crosby to dinner…
GRACIE: He paid the check, remember?
GEORGE: Oh, that’s right…well, last week we took Jack Benny to dinner, huh?
GRACIE: That’s one for us…

Frustrated by all the figuring, George sends Gracie downtown to a tax preparer with fifty dollars to pay the expert to complete their return. In the real world, things would proceed according to plan—but this is a sitcom, so Gracie decides to pocket the $50 and fill out the return herself. The revelation that she and George will be receiving a refund of thirty million should tip you off as to the accuracy of her calculations in what is a delightfully funny outing. Next up, a February 5, 1948 broadcast that features as its premise Gracie’s desire for a mink coat:

GEORGE: Now, Gracie—ever since we got home from the store you’ve been after me for a fur coat…(Gracie is sobbing) the answer is still no (more sobbing) ah, now you’re turning on the tears (even more sobbing) I suppose I’m a brute…I suppose I treat you like a dog…
GRACIE: No you don’t…
GEORGE: Of course not…
GRACIE: The dog has a fur coat…
GEORGE: Will you stop?
GRACIE: Oh, everyone has fur but me…cats have fur…rabbits have fur…and you have three hairs on your chest…
GEORGE: Four…
GRACIE: Think of my health…buy me a fur coat so I won’t have to go around shivering in the snow…
GEORGE: It doesn’t snow in Los Angeles…
GRACIE: Then buy me a fur coat and a ticket to New York…
GEORGE: I refuse to discuss it any further…
GRACIE: Well, I read in the paper about a woman who caught pneumonia just because she didn’t have a fur coat (she coughs) she caught pneumonia and died (she coughs again) better have your black suit pressed, George (more coughing) marry again, but not too soon…remember me a while (still more coughing) and George…take my insurance money and buy yourself a fur coat…I don’t want you to go the way I’m going (reaching Camille status now) Forget it, huh?
GEORGE: Forget it, forget it!!!

The program culminates with George agreeing to get Gracie a rabbit coat, providing he can shoot the rabbits to cut down on the cost—so a hunting trip is arranged, with announcer Bill Goodwin, maestro Meredith Willson, psychiatrist Dr. Miller (Hans Conried) and obnoxious Texan neighbor Mr. Judson (Gale Gordon) in tow and providing sure-fire hilarity. Elliott Lewis and Verna Felton also appear in this episode, and there’s a great moment—demonstrating just what was so fantastic about live radio—in which George muffs a line and attempts to cover to the accompaniment of Gracie and Hans’ laughter. Gotta love George & Gracie.