“Tums…for the tummy…”

It can certainly be argued that for announcer Don Wilson, his bread-and-butter was primarily his duties on The Jack Benny Program, a show that he began announcing for in 1934 and would work on for the next twenty-one years. (When you also consider that Don was with Jack on Benny’s TV show, his association with the comedian lasted even longer, since the television show was on until 1965.) But announcers were often very busy during Radio’s Golden Age, and in addition to the Benny program, Wilson’s familiar, jovial tones could also be heard on shows featuring Alan Young, Doris Day, Ginny Simms and Joe E. Brown—as well as Glamour Manor and Tommy Riggs and Betty Lou.

So after listening to the two Benny broadcasts, I encountered Don again on a March 20, 1951 edition of The Baby Snooks Show; Wilson was the pitchman for sponsor Tums (at that time, only ten cents a roll, and three rolls for a quarter). As the program opens, Snooks (Fanny Brice) is conversing with her father, Lancelot Higgins (Hanley Stafford):

SNOOKS: Well, why can’t I have a new Easter outfit?
DADDY: Ohhh…first Mommy, now you…well, if you must know, I don’t have the money…my job doesn’t offer that kind of remuneration…
SNOOKS: What’s remu…mu…what you said?
DADDY: Remuneration…it’s time you learned a new word…tell me, what do I carry home every Saturday night?
SNOOKS: Hmm…Uncle Louie…
DADDY: I mean my paycheck…it’s all spent…
SNOOKS: Well, Pamela Richardson is gettin’ a new Easter outfit…and I want one, too!
DADDY: Oh, so that’s it…well, Pamela’s father happens to be a banker…I don’t have his kind of money…
SNOOKS: What kind do you have?
DADDY: I don’t mean it that way—we have the same money, but…he has a whole lot more…
SNOOKS: Then why aren’t you smart enough to be a banker?
DADDY: I am smart enough…I’m just not lucky…I never got the opportunity…
SNOOKS: Well, Mommy says…since you and she got married you passed up every opportunity…
DADDY: I wish I had passed up that one, too…

It’s only when Snooks informs her father that Pamela Richardson has called the Higgins family “poor white trash” (pretty harsh for a sitcom, don’t you think?) that Daddy decides to go down to the bank and try to secure a personal loan to buy the entire family new Easter clothing—only he has to do so from Pamela’s father (Fred Shields). Snooks also lets the information about the “poor white trash” comment slip to Richardson, which angers the banker and he agrees to grant Daddy the loan. After a funny encounter with an oh-so-trying-to-be-patient department store clerk (Elvia Allman), the family is bedecked in new Easter outfits—but Snooks’ friend Pamela still thinks her clan is poor and white and trashy, so Snooks punches her in the nose, causing Mr. Richardson to put the kibosh on the loan. Daddy then gets an idea: he’ll ask his boss (Ken Christy) for the money, and he brings Snooks with him to “play on his sympathies”:

WEEMISH: Three hundred dollars? That’s a lot of money, Higgins…of course, if it’s for an emergency I might consider it…on the other hand, if it’s for something foolish—like Jackson in the shipping department wanted a hundred-dollar advance just to buy some Easter clothes…hah! Ridiculous…naturally, I turned him down…
DADDY: Oh…naturally…
WEEMISH: Well? What’s your story? (awkward pause) Well???
SNOOKS: Sorry—we need some time to change it…
DADDY: Well, uh…the reason I need the money is…uh…er…uh…it’s on account of Vera…you see, she’s…she’s sick (with pathos) Oh, she’s very sick…
WEEMISH: Sick? Of what?
SNOOKS: Of wearin’ the same ol’ clothes…
DADDY (quickly): No!!! This is no time to joke about your mother’s illness! For which we need the money…get it?
SNOOKS (catching on): Oh yeah, yeah…poor Mommy…awful sick…
DADDY: Oh yes, Mr. Weemish…just this morning I took Vera’s temperature…and it was a hundred and five!!!
WEEMISH: A hundred and five???
SNOOKS: And that was in the shade, too!
WEEMISH: Higgins, this does sound serious…
DADDY: Oh, it is, Mr. Weemish…the doctor says she’ll need an operation…and that’s why I need the three hundred dollars…
SNOOKS: Yeah, she’ll need an operation…
WEEMISH (sympathetically): Well, Snooks…Lancelot…I’m very sorry to hear this…uh, what are they going to operate on her for?
SNOOKS (quickly): Appendix…
DADDY (also quickly): Gallstones…
WEEMISH: What?
SNOOKS: Gallstones!
DADDY: Appendix!
SNOOKS: Appendix!
DADDY: Gallstones!
WEEMISH: Huh???
SNOOKS: Once more, and maybe we can come out together…

Snooks then lets the cat out of the bag about the outfits, and Weemish angrily kicks Higgins out of the office—he later relents and allows Daddy to have the loan, but Snooks has one more trick up her sleeve to scotch that as well. “The Easter Outfit” is a Baby Snooks rarity in that it’s one of the few half-hour shows in its situation comedy format extant today, and the more of the half-hour programs I listen to, the more I become a fan of Fanny’s—she’s really sensational. (I have a great admiration for Stafford, too; he makes a perfect foil for Brice’s antics.)

The other program on the Baby Snooks CD (part of the Radio Spirits box set Radio’s Greatest Sitcoms) is an AFRS rebroadcast originally heard over CBS on March 21, 1947: Lancelot and Vera (Arlene Harris) have decided to redecorate the famed house of Sycamore Terrace, and Daddy has built his very own desk to save some money:

DADDY: I’m going to carry this desk upstairs…
SNOOKS: Mm hmm…
DADDY: I’m going to set it in the living room and surprise your mother when she gets home…
SNOOKS: Lemme help you carry it…
DADDY: That’s all I need…
SNOOKS: It’s too heavy for you, lil’ Daddy…
DADDY: I’ll manage…
SNOOKS: Hmm…
DADDY: If you want to do something, guide me upstairs while I’ve got it on my back…
SNOOKS: All right…
DADDY: Now, let’s see if I can lift it (grunting) Ooooh…there…boy, this is heavier than I thought…
SNOOKS: But it’s comfortable…
DADDY: What do you mean, comfortable? Snooks! Where are you???
SNOOKS: Sittin’ on the desk…
DADDY: Get down off there!!!
SNOOKS: All right (SFX: drops to floor) Is it still too heavy, Daddy?
DADDY: No, I…I can manage easily…what’s the matter with you, Snooks? What are you standing on now?
SNOOKS: Nothin’…
DADDY: Then why you seem to be…growing taller?
SNOOKS: ‘Cause you’re sinkin’ to your knees…

Mommy (Vera) has hired a decorator named Lester Q. Zimmel (John Brown) to do the remodeling, and horrified by Daddy’s DIY desk, gives it to Snooks for her clubhouse. Unfortunately, Daddy has left an important contract in one of the desk’s drawers, and thus begins a chase to locate it: Snooks sold it to the junkman, who sold it to a second-hand furniture store, who sold it to a dealer, who doesn’t know who the desk was sold to but will call Higgins when the driver returns. (If you took Sitcoms 101, it shouldn’t be too hard to figure out the identity of the person who bought the desk.) The last half-hour finds Snooks and Daddy attempting to wallpaper the bedroom, as the decorator has quit after being punched in the nose (something about spending $300 for a desk, hint hint)—and of course, this activity ends with predictably hilarious results.

The announcer on this program is Harlow Wilcox, who again, like Don Wilson, supplemented his main bread-and-butter (Fibber McGee & Molly) by announcing on other shows. But one thing has always puzzled me regarding Wilcox—on Fibber McGee & Molly, he was sort of established as a resident of Wistful Vista; but you get the impression that he hung around Sycamore Terrace (on the Snooks show) a good deal as well. Either he maintained two residences (a double life, perhaps?) or Sycamore Terrace was but a small commute away from Wistful Vista (all aboard!).