I’ve watched a lot of Warner Brothers cartoons in my lifetime. So many
that I know some of them backwards and forwards, and again, that’s where that
“Honey, I don’t think the Shreve is boy is normal”
thing crops up again. I’m sure some of you have seen a classic Bugs Bunny
cartoon called Rabbit’s Kin
(1952), in which the wascally wabbit outsmarts (as if that would be hard
to do) a puma named Pete (“Oh, I’ll take a whoooole lotta lumps!”) The
uncredited voice of the puma belongs to the one and only Stan Freberg, but Stan
cribbed it from a comedian-singer named Frank Fontaine; Fontaine got his big
show business break playing a mentally-challenged guy named John L.C. Sivoney,
who makes his debut in the first of two Jack Benny broadcasts I listened to
last night, originally heard over CBS on April 9, 1950.
When I discuss The Jack Benny
Program with fellow fans, I’m often wont to point out that the beauty
of the show is that the characters are so ingrained in the minds of the
listening audience, the mere mention of them or their attributes is enough
generate genuine mirth. To illustrate with an example, here’s an exchange from
two of Jack’s prized stooges, Mel Blanc and Sara Berner, who portray a soda
jerk and waitress in a drugstore located right near the CBS studios:
MERVYN: Uh-oh…get ready for business…here comes Jack Benny and some of
his cast…
FLOSSIE: Oh gee, celebrities…who are they?
MERVYN: Dennis Day, Don Wilson, Phil Harris and Jack Benny…you see? They’re startin’ across the street…
FLOSSIE: Oh, yeah…which one is Jack Benny?
MERVYN: The one who looks like he won’t make it…hey, ya better set a table for ‘em…
FLOSSIE: Okay, Mervyn…gimme four glasses of water…
MERVYN: You’ll only need three…one of ‘em never touches the stuff…
FLOSSIE: Oh gee, celebrities…who are they?
MERVYN: Dennis Day, Don Wilson, Phil Harris and Jack Benny…you see? They’re startin’ across the street…
FLOSSIE: Oh, yeah…which one is Jack Benny?
MERVYN: The one who looks like he won’t make it…hey, ya better set a table for ‘em…
FLOSSIE: Okay, Mervyn…gimme four glasses of water…
MERVYN: You’ll only need three…one of ‘em never touches the stuff…
Jack leaves the drugstore, and decides to walk home—when he encounters
a panhandler who asks him if he can spare a dime for a cup of coffee. The
smallest thing Jack has is fifty cents, so he gives it to him. After chatting
with Mr. Kitzel (Artie Auerbach)—he mentions his generosity to the beggar—he
arrives home, where he can’t wait to tell Rochester of his good deed for the
day as well:
JACK: Oh, say Rochester—on the way home…
ROCHESTER: Uh, excuse me, boss…I want to put these clean dishes away…
JACK: All right…Rochester, you know, on my way home…some poor fellow asked me for a dime…
ROCHESTER: Uh-huh…
JACK: …but I gave him fifty cents! (SFX: crash of dishes) Rochester, why did you drop those dishes? All I said was I gave a man fifty cents… (SFX: more dishes crashing) Rochester! You didn’t have to push that second stack off the drainboard!
ROCHESTER: I didn’t touch ‘em, they jumped off by themselves!!!
ROCHESTER: Uh, excuse me, boss…I want to put these clean dishes away…
JACK: All right…Rochester, you know, on my way home…some poor fellow asked me for a dime…
ROCHESTER: Uh-huh…
JACK: …but I gave him fifty cents! (SFX: crash of dishes) Rochester, why did you drop those dishes? All I said was I gave a man fifty cents… (SFX: more dishes crashing) Rochester! You didn’t have to push that second stack off the drainboard!
ROCHESTER: I didn’t touch ‘em, they jumped off by themselves!!!
The crashing of the dishes becomes this episode’s “boomerang” gag, as
Jack readies himself for bed:
JACK: “Dear diary…today, I did a wonderful thing…a needy person asked me
for a dime for a cup of coffee and I gave him fifty cents…” (SFX: crash of
dishes, running, door opening) Rochester, what happened in the kitchen?
ROCHESTER (off): I don’t know—I’m in bed!!!
ROCHESTER (off): I don’t know—I’m in bed!!!
Jack is soon fast asleep, and he dreams that a testimonial dinner is
being held in his honor of his generosity, presided over by Winston Churchill
and featuring tributes from James Cagney, Cary Grant and Ronald Colman. With
the exception of Colman (who’s played by Dennis Day), Fontaine displays a
amazing talent for mimicry by impersonating the other celebrities, and also
performs a routine as Sivoney by telling those assembled that he actually took
the fifty cents and bought a sweepstakes ticket. I decided not to transcribe
the dialogue here, though, because it’s not the content that makes Sivoney
funny, it’s the voice—which sounds vaguely like a combination of Bowery bum and
a prize fighter who’s taken too many hits to the head.
Frank returns to Benny’s program on April 30, 1950—which is the second
broadcast I previewed last night. He shows up at Jack’s back door looking for
food and when Jack tells him there isn’t any in the house. Sivoney remarks that
he could have sworn he heard someone plucking a chicken. This is a comical
reference to Jack’s violin playing; Benny is scheduled to go on a promotion
tour with his instrument soon, and as the shows opens, he’s anxiously awaiting
the arrival of his violin teacher, Professor Andre LeBlanc. The last time Jack
played his violin in public was before an audience at the London Paladium and
he remarks: “I want to get my fingers back in shape.” This prompts Rochester to
crack, “Why…what did they do to ‘em?” Finally, the Professor makes his
appearance:
JACK: Well! Professor LeBlanc, I’ve been waiting for you…
LEBLANC: Hello, Monsieur Benny…I’m sorry that I am late…
JACK: That’s all right…have you had lunch?
LEBLANC: I never eat before I give you a lesson…
JACK: Oh…shall we go in the den?
LEBLANC: Oui…
JACK: By the way, Professor…I had new hair put on my violin bow…
LEBLANC: Is it good hair?
JACK: Oh, yes…yes, the man at the music store said it won the Kentucky Derby twice…
LEBLANC: Please…I am a violin teacher, not a straight man…
LEBLANC: Hello, Monsieur Benny…I’m sorry that I am late…
JACK: That’s all right…have you had lunch?
LEBLANC: I never eat before I give you a lesson…
JACK: Oh…shall we go in the den?
LEBLANC: Oui…
JACK: By the way, Professor…I had new hair put on my violin bow…
LEBLANC: Is it good hair?
JACK: Oh, yes…yes, the man at the music store said it won the Kentucky Derby twice…
LEBLANC: Please…I am a violin teacher, not a straight man…
Throughout the lesson, Jack finds himself constantly interrupted by
his cast: Mary, Phil, Dennis, etc. In Dennis’ case, however, it’s worth it—Day
performs “The Horse Told Me” by digging into his bag of impressions: Jimmy
Durante, Ronald Colman, Jerry Colonna and Bert Gordon (“The Mad Russian.”) But
all this time, LeBlanc—who would rather undergo root canal than be subjected to
Benny’s scraping on the violin—grows more and more impatient:
LEBLANC: Monsieur Benny…please…let us call the lesson finis…
JACK: No, no, no, Professor…I want to be perfect when I start my personal appearance tour…
LEBLANC: This tour you are making…how many places will you appear in?
JACK: Oh, twenty-one different cities…
LEBLANC: Oh, then that should take up the entire summer…
JACK: No, no, Professor…I’m going to appear only one night in each city…
LEBLANC: That I can understand…
JACK: No, no, no, Professor…I want to be perfect when I start my personal appearance tour…
LEBLANC: This tour you are making…how many places will you appear in?
JACK: Oh, twenty-one different cities…
LEBLANC: Oh, then that should take up the entire summer…
JACK: No, no, Professor…I’m going to appear only one night in each city…
LEBLANC: That I can understand…
The writers also manage to recycle an earlier joke from an April 29,
1945 broadcast—which served, coincidentally, as Professor LeBlanc’s debut—but
they add a nice, new twist:
JACK: Oh…uh, tell me, Professor…do you really think you can make a
great violinist out of me?
LEBLANC: Well, I think I can do something…but it will take time…how old are you?
JACK: Why?
LEBLANC: How much time have we got left?
JACK: Oh…well, look, Professor—if you don’t feel that you’re capable of teaching me the violin, why do you keep taking money from me?
LEBLANC: I feel that that in itself is an accomplishment…
LEBLANC: Well, I think I can do something…but it will take time…how old are you?
JACK: Why?
LEBLANC: How much time have we got left?
JACK: Oh…well, look, Professor—if you don’t feel that you’re capable of teaching me the violin, why do you keep taking money from me?
LEBLANC: I feel that that in itself is an accomplishment…
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