“So my darling, though we’ve parted…come back to whence we’ve started…”

During the 1951-52 season of The Jack Benny Program, a running gag was introduced on the show in the form of song actually written by Jack himself. The song’s title was When You Say “I Beg Your Pardon,” Then I’ll Come Back to You, and many of that season’s shows showcased Jack’s guest stars being rooked into warbling the tune that was—as writer Milt Josefsberg commented—“as lousy as its title.” The gag culminated in a broadcast from March 23, 1952, as Jack attempted to sing his composition at the Academy Awards.

On this March 2, 1952 broadcast, a “Million Dollar Quartet” performs the song—and by that, I do not mean the famed Sun Record sessions with Elvis Presley, Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins and Johnny Cash. This quartet consists of Frank Sinatra, George Burns, Groucho Marx and Danny Kaye:

JACK: …and fellas, I wanna tell you how much I appreciate your coming over to do it…no one but real friends…real pals would give up a Sunday afternoon…just to come over here and do this wonderful song…
GEORGE: Jack?
JACK: What?
GEORGE: Shut up.

I listened to this broadcast while at work last night, and while I’m not sure if it was the East or West Coast broadcast, it was one of the most laid-back and informal shows I’ve ever heard—everyone sounds relaxed, as if they kicked back with a couple of martinis before airtime. Jack announces to Don Wilson that the show is dedicated to the formal opening of the new Tamarisk Country Club in Palm Springs, and Phil Harris (“Hey, pardon me—but does this dull twosome mind if a funny man plays through?”) makes his entrance soon after:

JACK: Say, Phil…Don and I were just talking about Tamarisk—the beautiful new golf course…since you’re such a good golfer, Phil, you’ll love it…
PHIL: Yeah, I know, Jackson…I played in the tournament out there yesterday…it is, it’s a great course…
JACK: I thought I saw you out there yesterday, Phil—you were playing with some of your musicians, weren’t you?
PHIL: No.
JACK: But I saw Remley, Sammy and Fletcher going around the course with you…
PHIL: Yeah, but they weren’t playin’…Remley was carryin’ my bag…
JACK: Well, what was Sammy doing?
PHIL: He was carryin’ Remley…
JACK: Well, what was Fletcher doing?
PHIL: He was carryin’ the stuff that made it necessary for Sammy to carry Remley…
JACK: Oh, yes…Remley is your handicap…
PHIL: He ain’t no water hazard…

Mary is nowhere to be found on this broadcast—maybe she had the night off or something…but it’s apparent that Dennis has been having a great time:

DENNIS: Friday night I went to the Chi Chi and saw Sally Rand…I never laughed so hard in my life…
(pause)
JACK (to Don): You know, Don, the weather here has been so beautiful today, I think I may…
PHIL (interrupting): Wait a minute, wait a minute…hold it…let’s go back here a minute…look, uh…
JACK: Hmm?
PHIL: Didn’t you listen to what this kid just said?
JACK: I listened to it, heard it and ignored it…
PHIL: Well, I ain’t gonna ignore it…Dennis, you went to the Chi Chi and saw Sally Rand’s act?
DENNIS: Uh-huh…
PHIL: The Sally Rand?
DENNIS: Uh-huh…
PHIL: …and when you finally saw Sally Rand’s act, you…uh…laughed?
DENNIS: Yeah—I was sittin’ up so close those fans tickled…
JACK (after a pause): Don’t look to me for sympathy, Phil…

I thought this exchange was pretty funny, too:

JACK: That was “Mistakes,” sung by Dennis Day and accompanied by Phil Harris and his Stumblin’ Tumbleweed Orchestra…and now, folks…
PHIL: Hold it, Melvin…just a minute…just slow up a minute…
JACK: Huh?
PHIL: I mean…look, I don’t mind it so much when we’re at home, but when we’re out of town let’s don’t be makin’ insultin’ remarks about the orchestra, huh?
JACK: Well, Phil—I’ve got a right to make comments about your band…after all, who’s the star of this show?
PHIL: Well, when I see my paycheck, I know it ain’t me…
JACK: Oh, stop complaining…
PHIL: I’m not complainin’, Jackson—it’s just that I’d like to pay income tax like everybody else!

After this show, I previewed a January 25, 1953 show—one that I have more than a passing familiarity with because I listened to it so frequently in my younger days when I first started collecting OTR. (The show was on a two-LP-record set released by Radiola Records in the 1970s entitled The Jack Benny Story. I didn’t learn until years later that large portions of the script had been used for an earlier—and much funnier—broadcast featuring Ronald and Benita Colman.) Jack has planned a day at the racetrack with Mary and Dennis, and while waiting for her to arrive he intercepts a phone call from the telephone company inquiring about an order to put in a second phone:

JACK (to Rochester): What’s this about you ordering a phone in your name?
ROCHESTER: Well, I figured it would be more convenient if we had two phones in the house…
JACK: But that’s silly…my phone should be enough…I talk on it very little, you can use it whenever you want to…
ROCHESTER: I know, but I thought it might be a good idea to have another phone in case of emergencies…
JACK: But why? Suppose there is an emergency, you can use my phone…
ROCHESTER: Yeah, but suppose the house is burning down and I haven’t got any change…
JACK: Gee, I never thought of that…
ROCHESTER: …and besides, I’ll be usin’ the phone a lot from now on…it’s the only way I’ll be able to talk to my girlfriend Susie…
JACK: Why, what’s wrong?
ROCHESTER: Well, her father seems to have taken a dislike to me…
JACK; But I thought you always got along so well with her family—what happened?
ROCHESTER: The other night, Susie and I were sittin’ in the dark on the sofa watchin’ television when her father came in and got awful mad…
JACK: Why should that make him mad?
ROCHESTER: They ain’t got a television set…

Mary arrives, but before she, Jack and Dennis head off to the races Jack has to make a trip to his legendary vault—one of the program’s best-remembered set pieces and first introduced January 7, 1945. Guarding the subterranean safe that contained Jack’s wealth was a man named Ed (Joseph Kearns) who, it would seem, had been watching over Jack’s fortune since the Revolutionary War. (As such, Ed was often a tad out-of-step with modern times.) Benny would open the vault (which would prompt Ed to ask something like “Shall I lie down so you can give me the ether again?”), and a cacophony consisting of sirens, bells and whistles would spew forth, ending with a solitary foghorn (“Beeeeeee-oooooooohhhhh…”). (I vividly remember seeing the summer of 1977 a rare 1960s episode of Jack’s TV show broadcast on CBS that featured the vault, and while it was funny, it couldn’t top the impression left by radio.)

At the racetrack, Jack runs into the usual cast of characters: Mel Blanc as the P.A. announcer, Frank Nelson as the surly waiter, Benny Rubin as the man in the Information booth (“I dunno.”) and Sheldon Leonard as the racetrack tout—who is actually at the racetrack:

JACK: Now, Mary…let’s look over the list of entries for the next race…I wanna see if the…
TOUT: Hey, Bud…Bud!
JACK: Huh?
TOUT: C’mere a minute…
JACK: Me?
TOUT: Yeah…
JACK: What is it?
TOUT: You gonna eat here?
JACK: Yeah…
TOUT: Which table?
JACK: Table one…
TOUT: Uh-uh…
JACK: What?
TOUT: Take number nine…
JACK: Well, look—I’m very happy with table one…
TOUT: Think it over, Bud…number one is a card table…
JACK: A card table?
TOUT: Yeah…if it carries too much weight, its legs will fold…
JACK: Gee, I never thought of that…so you think I oughta take table number nine, huh?
TOUT: Well, certainly…look at the breedin’!
JACK: The breeding?
TOUT: It’s by Birds-Eye Maple outta Grand Rapids…
JACK: Gosh, I didn’t…think they even knew each other…
TOUT: Get wise, Bud—think it over…
JACK: Look, I’m not…wait a minute! This is the first time I’ve run into you at a racetrack…why don’t you give me a tip on a horse?
TOUT: Who knows about horses?

The conclusion to this episode is a pip, and it features Gerald Mohr (The Adventures of Philip Marlowe) playing the part of CBS chairman William Paley (I must have listened to this show dozens of times and I never placed Mohr until I bought this from Radio Spirits). Jack seems so determined to bet on a horse named “Our Fancy” that both Mary and Mr. Paley are convinced Jack has some inside dope (“…if Jack is going to bet five dollars on a horse he must know something…”).