Paley’s Comic

From January 2, 1949:

DENNIS: Oh, you know, Mr. Benny? Charlie McCarthy starts on CBS today, too…
JACK: No…no, Dennis…now don’t get mixed up…I’m the only one who’s starting today…not Charlie McCarthy…
DENNIS: Well, that’s funny…I heard the doorman say to somebody, “We’ve got that dummy over here now…”

The above exchange is from the first of two Jack Benny Program episodes I listened to last night at work, and the broadcast marks the premiere show that Benny did over CBS Radio. The comedian, a longtime fixture at NBC, had been lured to the network through the machinations of CBS chairman William S. Paley—he had convinced Benny that by selling Amusement Enterprises (Jack’s production company) to CBS, the comedian’s earnings would be taxed at a much lower capital gains rate. Paley made similar pitches to several other NBC stars as well: Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll (Amos ‘n’ Andy), George Burns and Gracie Allen, Edgar Bergen and Red Skelton. These “talent raids” resulted not only in a shoring up of CBS’ prominence in radio (the network soon after featured the slogan “CBS, the stars’ address”) but benefited the network greatly in getting a leg-up into television as well.

This very funny Benny broadcast finds Jack a nervous Nellie, as he’s on his way to his new CBS digs with Mary and Rochester:

ROCHESTER: He’s been a nervous wreck all week, Miz Livingstone…last night he didn’t sleep a wink…he just kept tossing and turning and whimpering like a baby…
MARY: Well, wasn’t there anything you could do for him?
ROCHESTER: I tried everything…I even threw him over my shoulder and burped him twice…
JACK: Oh, Rochester…stop exaggerating…
ROCHESTER: I’m not exaggeratin’, boss…you’ve even been talkin’ in your sleep…
MARY: Talking in his sleep?
ROCHESTER: Yeah…Miz Livingstone, who is William Paley?
MARY: Uh…William Paley’s the head of the Columbia Broadcasting System…why?
ROCHESTER: He has now replaced Hedy Lamarr in Mr. Benny’s dreams…

Arriving at CBS, Jack and Mary bump into Amos ‘n’ Andy in the hallway, and the boys (who were the first to arrive at CBS, in October 1948) wish them the best of luck. (Amos remarks to Andy that even though Benny is a big-time comedian he didn’t say anything funny, prompting Andy to point out that “he ain’t nothin’ without Rochester.”) Jack also decides to take the opportunity to set bandleader Phil Harris straight, seeing as how they’re on a new network and all:

PHIL: Hiya, Jackson! Welcome to Petrillo’s “Inner Sanctum”…
JACK: Look, Phil…Phil, I wanna talk to you…
PHIL: Me?
JACK: Yeah, now…lookit…here it is a new year…we’re starting on a new network…so, Phil…you’ve got to do something about your musicians…
PHIL: Why? What’s wrong with my lads?
JACK: Look, Phil…look…I don’t expect them to wear full-dress suits…I don’t even want to them wear coats or jackets…but for the love of heaven, why don’t they wear ties???
PHIL: Well, Jackson—most of these boys are out on parole, and they don’t want nothin’ ‘round their neck with a knot in it…

One of the highlights of this program is the Lucky Strike commercial, a parody sung to the Frank Loesser-penned Slow Boat to China—Jack sings along with the Sportsmen on this one. (Later, at the show’s close, Jack and Mary do a reprise, singing about CBS’ Sunday night line-up—which consists of Spike Jones, Benny, Amos ‘n’ Andy, The Adventures of Sam Spade and Life With Luigi.) But throughout the show, Jack has been most anxious to meet with chairman Paley, and just before they go “on the air,” he gets a visit from Don Thornberg, the head of the Western Division of CBS:

THORNBERG: Well, I understand you’ve been looking for Mr. Paley…
JACK: Yes…yes, I have…uh…where…where is he?
THORNBERG: Well, Mr. Paley is in New York…he only comes out on urgent business…
JACK: Well, this is…this is rather important, Mr. Thornberg…but…perhaps you can help me, huh?
THORNBERG: Well, I hope so—what is it?
JACK: Well…well…
THORNBERG: Yes, Mr. Benny—what is it?
JACK: Well…do you have the authority to validate my parking lot ticket?

Shortly after this broadcast, rumors began to run rampant in the press that this joke had some basis in reality, and that it was the reason why Benny had decided to leave NBC. Nothing could be further from the truth. Jack was, in fact, very amenable to staying with his longtime network—but the National Broadcasting Company, in its negotiations with the comedian, committed a devastating blunder by allowing an attorney named John Cahill to participate in the proceedings. Cahill was a former U.S. Attorney who had been the prosecutor in a headline-making court case in which Jack and George Burns were accused in 1939 of smuggling jewelry into the United States upon returning home from a European vacation with their wives. Benny held a longstanding grudge against Cahill, whom he felt “persecuted rather than prosecuted me.” With this incident in his background, why NBC would allow Cahill such an active role in the negotiations has never been fully explained, but it was definitely the deal-breaker.

The second show, originally broadcast over CBS September 11, 1949, is another legendary Jack Benny broadcast, which kicks off with a free sightseeing bus tour through Beverly Hills:

DRIVER: And now, folks, across the street to the left, I want you to look at that house nestled among the palm trees…it’s the home of Mr. Orson Welles…this house was conceived, designed, constructed, decorated and furnished by Mr. Welles…the trees grew by themselves…

The bus driver (Frank Nelson) also takes ample time to point out the homes of the stars along the route, particularly in the case of Mary Livingstone:

PAULINE: Oh gosh, Miss Livingstone—you must be pretty excited about going back on the air today…
MARY: Oh, I am, Pauline…it’ll be nice seeing the whole gang again after such a long vacation…
PAULINE: Oh…didn’t you see any of them during the summer?
MARY: Only Mr. Benny…I saw him regularly…
PAULINE: Oh, well…that’s nice…how often did you see Mr. Benny?
MARY: Once a month…when he came for the rent…
PAULINE: Oh…
MARY: We used to sit around and play gin rummy, checkers, ping pong, badminton…
PAULINE: Oh, then it was a social visit, too…
MARY: No…he always stayed until my check cleared the bank…

Before Mary leaves for the studio, Pauline (Doris Singleton) asks her to give Phil Harris a kiss for her. It seems the man-crazy domestic is carrying a torch for the Benny Show bandleader; the night before she even dreamed that she was married to Phil. When Mary asks how Phil’s real wife, Alice Faye, fits into the picture, Pauline cracks, “She was our maid,” and adds, “through the courtesy of 20th Century-Fox.”

Continuing on with the tour, the driver then points out to the passengers the residence of Dennis Day:

VERNA: Now, Dennis…don’t forget what I told you…this season, I want you to get your check from Mr. Benny immediately after each program…
DENNIS: Oh, Mother…I don’t have to do that, I can trust Mr. Benny…
VERNA: Hmmph…I wouldn’t trust that man as far as I threw your father last night…and Dennis—this year, insist that Mr. Benny pay you in American money…there’s no reason why you should have to go to Tijuana each week to cash your check…do you understand?
DENNIS: Oh, si, senor…but Mother, you shouldn’t talk about Mr. Benny like that…he’s one of the best friends I got…
VERNA: Some friend…what has he ever done for you?
DENNIS: Well, what about last year when I had to have that operation and I couldn’t afford it? Didn’t Mr. Benny come to my rescue?
VERNA: Mmm…yes…but I still think you took a chance letting Rochester take out your appendix…

The bus rumbles on, with stops at Phil Harris’ house (Phil commits a beauty of a fluff on one of his lines) and the home of the Sportsmen Quartet, who rehearse the week’s Lucky Strike commercial with announcer Don Wilson, a parody of Hello Beautiful. The group even gets a glimpse of Jack’s residence, and Rochester is on the phone with girlfriend Susie, asking if she’ll go out with him that night:

SUSIE: Yeah, but don’t you have to get dinner for Mr. Benny?
ROCHESTER: No, no…not tonight…you see, this is his opening broadcast…and after the show, he’ll probably take the cast to the Brown Derby for a big…
SUSIE: Rochester? Why’d you stop talkin’?
ROCHESTER: The more I said, the sillier it sounded…

The bus has made its way out of Beverly Hills and into downtown Hollywood. At the program’s 22:15 mark, the driver points out to the passengers the studios of the Columbia Broadcasting System—prompting Jack to remark: “This is where I get off, driver…” (This gets a nearly twenty-second reaction from a clearly convulsed audience.) After this broadcast, Benny received a personal phone call from CBS chairman Paley, who wanted to know how the comedian had “the guts to do such a thing on the opening show of a new season?” It should have been obvious to Paley that Jack’s success stemmed not from telling jokes, but by willing to be the joke. As Benny once remarked, “It’s not important who gets the laugh. When people talk about the show the next day, they won’t remember who delivered the punch line. All they’ll recall is that The Jack Benny Show was funny last night.” And through the magic of old-time radio, it still is.