“Oh, Ronnie—Ronnie, where are you?” “Right here in the library, Benita…”

“Wouldn’t it be funny if I went over to the Colmans’ for a party and I wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place?” This was the rhetorical question posed by Jack Benny to his writing staff, and of course, the rhetorical answer could only be “Yes, uproariously so.” In real-life, Ronald Colman and his wife Benita Hume lived a block away from the comedian, but by moving their house directly to his on the radio show, such inspiration yielded some memorably hilarious broadcasts, and the Hollywood couple would make a total of twenty-one appearances on the program, practically making them “regulars.” (Interestingly, the decision to hire someone to play Colman’s wife was nixed by Benny, who was a stickler for realism—yet once again Jack’s comedic instincts proved right on the money, as Hume proved to possess an amazingly adept comedic touch.)

The Colmans made their debut on the December 9, 1945 broadcast, where the “I Can’t Stand Jack Benny Because…” Contest is well underway. Even Rochester is helping out Jack by reading some of the entries (“You know, boss—two more letters and I’ll be convinced that I’m workin’ for the wrong man.”); but this one in particular made me laugh-out-loud:

LARRY: Oh, Mr. Benny—here’s a letter from Senator Claghorn…
JACK (puzzled): Senator Claghorn?
PHIL: Yeah, he’s on Fred Allen’s program…
JACK: Oh…what does the Senator say, Larry?
LARRY: He says…”I can’t stand—I say, I can’t stand—Jack Benny because he’s so corny when he sits down to dinner he butters his ears…”
JACK: Hmm…
LARRY: “…his ears, that is…”
JACK: What?
PHIL: That’s a joke, son!
JACK: Now wait a minute! For heaven’s sake…
MARY: You’re lettin’ ‘em get past you tonight!
JACK: Now cut that out! I don’t care anything about him…about him, that is…

Jack has found an invitation on his back porch from Ronnie and Benita inviting him to dinner that evening, something that is met with a good deal of skepticism from his cast:

MARY: You invited to the Colmans?
JACK: Yes, what’s so strange about that? We’ve been neighbors for about twelve years…of course, for a while, my…success in pictures sort of…came between us…you see, uh. Colman wanted the lead in The Horn Blows at Midnight but they…they gave it to me…you see, at his age, they…uh…didn’t want him to stay up that late…(Mary breaks out into giggles) What are you giggling about?
MARY: I saw the picture and you should have gone to bed earlier, too…

And over at the Colmans:

BENITA: Say, darling—shouldn’t you be dressed? You know, we’re having a guest for dinner…
RONNIE: A guest? Tonight? Who?
BENITA: You remember, Jack…Jack Wellington, from London…
RONNIE: Oh yes…yes, I forgot…good old Wellington…then you did mail him the note I wrote…
BENITA: No—I couldn’t find the note anywhere…I think it must have blown out the window…well, I phoned him instead—he should be here any minute…
RONNIE: Splendid, splendid…
BENITA: Well, aren’t you going to dress?
RONNIE: Oh, no…no…not for Wellington…no, this turtleneck sweater is all right—he likes informality…
BENITA: Oh well, I won’t bother either…I say, could you come and help me choose the wine for dinner?
RONNIE: Yes, in a moment, dear…as soon as I finish this letter…now let me see…”I can’t stand Jack Benny because…”

Jack shows up at the Colmans for dinner bedecked in top hat, tie and tails—and naturally, the genteel British couple are too polite to explain to him that it’s all been a terrible mistake. The hilarity results from the clash between the sophisticated Colmans and vulgarian Benny, who remarks after breaking a 150-year-old wine glass in a toast: “Good thing I didn’t break anything that was new.”

Two weeks later (December 23, 1945), Jack returns the hospitality extended to him by inviting both the Colmans and their friend Wellington (Eric Snowden) over to his house for a Christmas dinner. Although Jack has hired a real English butler for the evening (played to hilarious incoherence by Mel Blanc), Rochester will still be handling most of the dinner arrangements:

JACK: Don’t forget—for dessert, we’re having a flaming plum pudding…
ROCHESTER: How do you fix it, boss?
JACK: Well, you take the plum pudding and put it in a bowl…
ROCHESTER: Uh-huh…
JACK: …then you take a pint of brandy…good brandy, you know—real old brandy…and you pour it over the pudding…
ROCHESTER: Continue, boss—you fascinate me!
JACK: Then you take a match and set fire to the brandy…
ROCHESTER: You what?
JACK: You take a match and set fire to the brandy…
ROCHESTER: Boss…I doubt if I’ll have the heart…

Jack also passes on instructions to his “gang,” who will be dining with his invited guests as well:

JACK: Mr. and Mrs. Colman will be here for dinner soon, and I also invited their friend, Jack Wellington…so please be on your best behavior—especially you, Phil…
PHIL: Me?
JACK: Yes, you—just for tonight, don’t bring your jug to the table…please…
PHIL: Now wait a minute, Jackson—have you ever tried eating that meat straight?
JACK: I know it’s awful, Phil, but do it just as a favor for me…and another thing, Phil—when you take the jacket off the baked potato, you’re not supposed to go (wolf whistle)…it’s only a potato! And Don…
DON: Yes, Jack?
JACK: Don, when Rochester offers you a third helping…try to refuse, will ya? Or at least say “Well…” before you dive in…and Mary…
MARY: Oh, Jack—don’t try to tell me anything about eating…
PHIL: You better listen to him, Livvy—he was eatin’ thirty years before you were born…

Next door, the Colmans are having difficulty mustering up the proper enthusiasm to attend Benny’s soiree:

BENITA: Hey, darling…it’s almost eight o’clock…it’s time for us to go over to Mr. Benny’s house—have you forgotten?
RONNIE: Oh no…no…I haven’t forgotten—it’s been on my mind all week…say, uh…perhaps we can phone and make some excuse…
BENITA: But darling, we can’t do that…he’s probably gone to a great deal of trouble preparing dinner…in fact, just this afternoon, his butler asked…oh, what’s his butler’s name again…um…
RONNIE: Manchester?
BENITA: Yes! Manchester! Well, he came to the back door and wanted to borrow some sugar…so I gave him a saucerful…
RONNIE: You gave him a saucerful?
BENITA: Yes—they already have all our cups…
RONNIE: Yes…yes, I wondered why Sherwood served my afternoon tea in a Dixie cup…

Once again, the comedy comes from the high-class Colmans and the no-class Benny (with some help from his gang), though this episode—being so close to Christmas—ends on a nicely sentimental note. As a result of their successful appearances on the show, Ronald and Benita Colman would later star in a radio/TV sitcom of their own, the delightful The Halls of Ivy. Colman’s Oscar (for 1947's A Double Life) would also play a pivotal role in Jack Benny’s best-remembered radio gag…but that’s for a future post…post, that is.