“Don…I have an arrangement with Abbott & Costello…we leave them alone, and they leave us alone…”

The title of this post is Jack Benny’s response to an atrocious pun from announcer Don Wilson, who is telling Jack that he was playing Santa Claus and became stuck in the chimney before finally falling down. (He says that he could have been seriously hurt in the fall, but fortunately he “caught the flue.”) But as I will soon reveal, Jack’s response proves to be a tad untrue…

I listened to a January 6, 1946 broadcast of The Jack Benny Program this evening as part of Radio Spirits’s Ultimate Jack Benny Collection. The show’s premise involves Jack going to the Rose Bowl game, a comic device that would be used in future broadcasts, and the program kicks off with Jack and Mary discussing what they did on New Year’s Eve (Mary cracks that Jack was such a "party animal" he drank two bottles of Coca-Cola—“without a chaser yet.”):

DON: Say, Mary—is Jack a good dancer?
MARY: I don’t know, it’s the first time I ever did the minuet…
JACK: Oh, stop, will ya—you’ve done the minuet before…
MARY: Yeah, but not while the band was playing “Cow Cow Boogie…”
JACK: Mary, now on New Year’s Eve—you gotta let yourself go…
DON: Say, Jack—what did you do at the stroke of twelve?
MARY: What did he do? He said “Happy New Year,” took an aspirin and passed out…
JACK: Well, I wasn’t out long, sister…and Don, when I came to I went around and kissed every woman in the place…
DON: You did?
JACK: Yeah…and Mary was so jealous she tried to stop me…
MARY: I wasn’t jealous…I was only trying to tell you that the place was closed and those women were mopping up…

Jack also greets the members of his cast, including Dennis Day substitute Larry Stevens:

JACK: Hello, Larry—Happy New Year!
LARRY: The same to you, Jack!
JACK: Did you…Jack? Why, Larry—what’s come over you? You’ve always called me “Mr. Benny…”
LARRY: Well, don’t you remember? On New Year’s Eve, you said I could stop calling you “Mr. Benny” and call you “Jack…”
JACK: When did I tell you that?
LARRY: Right after your second Coke…
JACK: You mean before the aspirin tablet? Well, Larry…I still the like the idea of you calling me “Mr. Benny”…I mean, it adds a little dignity to the program and shows you have respect for me…
MARY: Do you want me to call you “Mr. Benny,” too?
JACK: No…no, that won’t be necessary, Mary…
MARY: Gee…I can call him Jack…
JACK: …and now, folks…
MARY: …wait’ll the girls at the May Company hear about this…
JACK: Now wait a minute! Don’t get smart, Miss Livingstone…
MARY: Oh, do call me Mary…
JACK: Now cut that out!!!

Phil Harris arrives on the scene, and he demands that Jack pay off on a Rose Bowl bet (Jack had USC, Phil Alabama) but Jack refuses on account of he didn’t see the game (Phil: “Jackson, are you crazy—ninety thousand people were at that game and saw Alabama win!!!” Jack: “I don’t care if a hundred thousand people saw it, I’m not talking the word of a lot of strangers!”). The reason for this is related in flashback by Mary—she, Phil, Jack and Jack’s girl friend Gladys Zabisco (the wonderfully nasal Sara Berner) originally had tickets and plans to meet at the game:

PHIL: Say, Gladys—you still work at the Shamrock Café?
GLADYS: No, I’m back at the drive-in…Speedy thought I oughta be outside where it’s healthier…
JACK: Darn right…what’s the use of being in California if you can’t enjoy the sun?
GLADYS: Yeah, but I sure wish I could get off the night shift…
JACK: You will, honey…just save your tips…that’s all…
GLADYS: I do, but every time I get a little ahead you want to go to a movie or somethin’…
JACK: Well…it won’t always be that way…
LEFTY: Hey, look who’s here! Hiya Gladys! Happy New Year!
GLADYS: Same to you, Lefty!
JACK: Lefty? Hmm…you know everybody, don’t you?
GLADYS: That’s Lefty Flanagan—what a sport, he always orders a la carte…
JACK (angrily): Well, don’t talk to him…
GLADYS: But Lefty’s a big tipper…
JACK: Oh… (friendly) Hiya Lefty!

Before the game starts, Jack volunteers to rustle up some hot dogs, so he grabs the attention of a vendor, played by Artie Auerbach:

JACK: Hey mister! Four hot dogs, please…
KITZEL: Yes, sir… (sings) “Pickle in the middle and the mustard on top…just the way you like ‘em and they’re always hot…” Four puppies, coming up!
JACK: How much are they?
KITZEL: Three cents apiece…
JACK: Three cents???
KITZEL: Uh-huh…
JACK: Why do you sell them so cheap?
KITZEL: Taste ‘em!
JACK: Oh…say, do they look…they do look like pretty tough weenies…
KITZEL: Tough? Hoo hoo hoo! What suitcase handles they would make…

Although he’s not given a name in his first appearance, this vendor will later become a regular stooge on the Benny program as Mr. Kitzel, a Jewish gentleman given to malaprops much in the same fashion as Mrs. Nussbaum on The Fred Allen Show. Auerbach had played the character previously on The Abbott & Costello Show (so much for leaving them alone, eh?) and the earlier Al Pearce and His Gang. The hot dog vendor sketch was adapted from a similar routine performed on the show in 1941 with Benny regular Sam Hearn as Schlepperman (just to demonstrate that the Benny program could also lend out its talent, Schlepperman appeared on other programs as well, like Glamour Manor and The Great Gildersleeve). In fact, when Hearn returned to Jack’s program after a long absence, the Kitzel character had become so well established he was told he couldn’t revive Schlepperman—so Hearn developed a character from Calabasas that Jack often encountered at the train station (“Hiya, Rube!”).

Meanwhile, Jack is getting more and more steamed by the fact that everyone at the game seems to know Gladys—and I do mean everyone:

MARY: Look! Look, here comes the USC team!
JACK: Gee, they’re a husky bunch of fellas!
PHIL: Yeah, listen to that crowd!
MARY: Here they come running right past us!
TEAM: Hello, Gladys!!!

(snip)

JACK: That’s the last straw! I’m leaving! I’m not even gonna stay and see the game…and let me tell you something, Gladys—you and I are through! Our engagement is broken! Goodbye!
GLADYS: But, Speedy—if you’re breaking our engagement, what about the ring?
JACK: I’m not giving it back to you!

The second program I heard is also considered a Benny classic; Jack and Mary attend a concert by violin virtuoso Isaac Stern, and cross paths with Ronald and Benita Colman in the process. Jack meticulously prepares for the evening’s festivities, assisted by Manches—I mean, Rochester:

ROCHESTER: You’re certainly going to a lot of trouble gettin’ dressed tonight…
JACK: Well, Rochester—all the important people in town will be at the concert…after all, Isaac Stern is one of the world’s greatest violinists…
ROCHESTER: Oh come now, boss—you play the violin as good as he does…
JACK (slightly embarrassed): No I don’t, Rochester…no…
ROCHESTER: Oh yes you do…
JACK: I do not!
ROCHESTER: Well, I think so…
JACK: Rochester, you’ve never even heard Isaac Stern…
ROCHESTER: Well, take advantage of it, boss—take advantage!!!

Before finding their seats, Jack informs Mary that he needs to pay Stern a visit backstage:

JACK: When I heard you were giving a concert in Los Angeles, I sent you money for two tickets, knowing that you’d get me the best seats available…
STERN: Oh yes, yes, Mr. Benny…I have the tickets right here…here you are…
JACK: Thanks…wait a minute…these tickets are a dollar-ten…I distinctly remember sending you…
STERN (interrupting): I did my best, Mr. Benny, but the house was sold out…and they didn’t have any more seats available at the price you requested…
JACK: Oh…
STERN: So I added thirty cents of my own money, and… (the audience’s laughter and applause drowns him out at this point)
JACK: Well, thank you very much, Mr. Stern—I hope I didn’t impose on you too much…you see, you being a concert violinist, naturally I felt that we…have something in common (laughs) yes, sir…
STERN: We have something in common?
MARY: Yes…Jack’s violin has four strings, too…
JACK: Mary (Mary laughs) Mary, please…
MARY: Jack, give Mr. Stern the thirty cents you owe him and let’s go…
JACK: Oh yes, yes…just a minute (SFX: clink of coins) here you are…ten, twenty, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty…there you are, Mr. Stern…
STERN: Thank you…
MARY: Okay, Jack—put on your shoe and let’s go…

Jack and Mary are, as you may have already guessed, seated in the mezzanine (a French word meaning “nosebleed”)—and Jack spots the Colmans sitting below:

BENITA: Ronnie…isn’t that Jack Benny up there, trying to get our attention?
RONNIE: Yes, it’s embarrassing…but don’t look up…
BENITA: Maybe we should at least wave to him…after all, he is our next-door neighbor…
RONNIE: Benita…that is a situation which the housing shortage prevents me from doing anything about…
BENITA: He’s going to so much trouble to attract your attention…he’s dropping little bits of paper…no! He’s dropping peanut shells…
RONNIE: If he spits—there’s going to be trouble…oh, what’s he doing way up there, anyway?
BENITA: Well, perhaps his doctor recommended a higher altitude…
RONNIE: Where he’s sitting, it’s cheaper than the Alps…
BENITA: It’s higher, too…
RONNIE: So it is…
BENITA: Well anyway, dear—he won’t be throwing any more peanuts…
RONNIE: Oh? How do you know?
BENITA: I just got hit on the head with the bag…

Colman also reads the winning entry of the six-week “I Can’t Stand Jack Benny Because…” contest, which ended the previous week—the prize was $10,000 in Victory Bonds, and it was judged by such notables as Goodman Ace, Peter Lorre and (natch) Fred Allen. The winning entry, as submitted by Carroll P. Craig, Sr.:

He fills the air with boasts and brags
And obsolete, obnoxious gags
The way he plays his violin
Is music's most obnoxious sin
His cowardice alone, indeed
Is matched by his obnoxious greed
And all the things that he portrays
Show up my own obnoxious ways

Colman accurately points out that the poetic entry proves “the things we find fault with in others are the same things we tolerate in ourselves.” I can think of no finer testament to a man who made the world laugh for close to half a century on radio and television, and who continues to do so today.