“It’s a losin’ fight!”

Last night at work, I checked in with one of my favorite old-time radio comedies, The Life of Riley; it’s a favorite due primarily to my fondness for the show’s star, William Bendix, a first-rate character actor whose films include The Glass Key (1942) and The Blue Dahlia (1946) (both of which starred his off-screen pal, Alan Ladd). But Chester A. Riley—the well-meaning (but incredibly dumb) blue-collar patriarch of an average American family—was literally the role Bendix was born to play. Sometimes, when I catch him in a movie, it’s like I expect him to turn to the camera and mutter “What a revoltin’ development this is!” (Come to think of it, he does do that in one movie: 1947’s Where There’s Life, in which he plays Bob Hope’s would-be brother-in-law.)

In a program originally heard over NBC Radio on November 30, 1946, we find Bendix as Riley limping—yes, limping—home with his wife Peg (Paula Winslowe) by his side; Riley had tried to hurdle a fence and ended up hurting his leg in the process. And if that’s not bad enough, Riley has also spotted the car of one Simon Vanderhopper (Warren Mills) outside the Riley residence—Simon being daughter Babs’ boyfriend and Riley’s bête noire:

RILEY: I thought I told you I don’t want that no-good loafer goin’ around with Babs…
PEG: Oh, Riley—Simon’s a nice boy…
RILEY: Ahh…some nice boy…twenty-one years old and he still chews bubble gum…
PEG: So what? If he likes bubble gum…
RILEY: Well, he don’t have to keep moochin’ it from me…

(snip)

PEG: Now be sensible…suppose Babs does like Simon a little? That isn’t a catastrophe…
RILEY: Oh, that’s what you say…you once started off likin’ me a little—and now we’re married…
PEG: What are you talkin’ about? Do you know what “catastrophe” means?
RILEY: That’s beside the point…once and for all, I…hey…they’re not on the porch…look!
PEG: Well, they’re probably in the house…
RILEY: That’s just it—Simon’s in the house with Babs…alone!
PEG: Well, suppose they are alone—what of it?
RILEY: I can see you’ve never been a boy…
PEG: Riley…don’t be an old fogey…why, when you were courtin’ me my father left us alone in the living room…because he understood young people…he saw eye-to-eye with the younger generation…
RILEY: Listen, the only time I ever saw eye-to-eye with your father was through a keyhole…

Riley throws Simon out, and refuses to let Babs (Barbara Eiler) go out anymore with him, but he softens considerably when he’s introduced to Simon’s uncle, Dr. Lucius Vanderhopper (Fred Shields). He relents and lets Simon keep his date with Babs, mainly to cadge some free medical advice for his injured leg from Dr. V, but “V,” unbeknownst to Riley, stands for “veterinarian”—the good medico is actually a horse doctor. Thinking that the injury Riley is babbling about belongs to a horse, he prescribes liniment and a diet for Riley’s condition—which attracts the attention of his undertaker pal, Digby “Digger” O’Dell (John Brown):

DIGGER: Would you care to join me, Riley?
RILEY: Uh…no, no, I gotta get home, I…just came out to get some stuff for a diet a doctor gave me…you see, I got a sprain in my leg…
DIGGER: A diet for a sprain?
RILEY: Yeah, I got it all written down here…here it is, right here…
DIGGER: Let me see…hmm…hmmm! A doctor recommended this? He must be a quack…
RILEY: A quack? Honest? You think he’s givin’ me the business?
DIGGER: Judging by this…he’s giving me the business…

The “diet” consists of oats, apples and an hourly lump of sugar—which would naturally puzzle, not to mention concern, an individual of average intelligence. (Then again, this is Riley were talking about.) Of course, the simple misunderstanding is eventually worked out and Riley lives to bumble another day. In the second broadcast (12/03/48), Peg walks in on a lecture that Riley is giving son Junior (Scotty Beckett):

RILEY: Wait’ll ya hear this, Peg…and you always said Junior was the kind of a kid I was when I was a boy…well, where do you think he was this afternoon?
PEG (horrified) Junior! You went to the burlesque show!
JUNIOR: Ah no, Mom—I was over at my math teacher’s house…
PEG: Oh…well, what’s so terrible about that, Riley?
RILEY: He was rakin’ her leaves—and ask him why…
JUNIOR: Well, I…I still don’t see the harm…I haven’t been doin’ so well in math, and she lives over in the next block…so I figured if I could rake leaves for her, I’d stand a better chance of gettin’ a good mark…
RILEY: Bribery! Out and out bribery! Here I raise a boy, and I have hopes that someday he’ll turn out to be a banker, or a doctor, or an engineer…and what do I get? A politician!

Riley stresses to Junior the importance on getting by on one’s own mettle, and Peg backs her husband to the hilt. But she soon learns that what’s sauce for the gosling ain’t necessarily sauce for the gander:

RILEY: I’m sorry I yelled, Peg, but that kid’s gotta learn…
PEG (sighing): You’re right, dear…for once…
RILEY: Like I said to Gillis only this afternoon…”Gillis,” I said…
PEG: Where were you this afternoon?
RILEY: Over at my boss’ house, fixin’ his roof…
PEG: Well, that’s good…we can use the extra money…
RILEY: You bet we can…too bad we ain’t gettin’ any…
PEG: You’re not?
RILEY: Oh, no—I’m just doin’ him a favor…you see, there’s an openin’ for a foreman’s job at the plant, so I figured…
PEG: Chester Riley! After the speech you just made to Junior…you have the nerve to stand there and tell me you went to your boss’ house to fix the roof? Just so you could get in “good” with him? How could you???
RILEY (sheepishly): It was easy…
PEG: Oh, I can’t understand ya, Riley…
RILEY: Lemme explain, Peg…the boss happened to drop this remark about a leak in his roof, so Gillis offered to work on it…and bein’ that Gillis is my best friend, I offered to help him…not that I care about the foreman’s job, I…just don’t want Gillis to get it…you…you see?
PEG: You bet I see…boot-lickin’, that’s what it is…and what’s more, the roof of this house has been leakin’ for six months…why don’t you fix that?
RILEY: What for? The boss don’t live here…
PEG: Oh, aren’t you ashamed of yourself…don’t you feel like a hypocrite? After that big lecture you gave Junior (mimicking him) don’t use pull…don’t use influence…work, depend on your ability…
RILEY: Well…my case is different…
PEG: Why is it different?
RILEY: Well…you…why…uh…I ain’t got no ability! Hah! Thought you had me trapped, huh?

Riley does begin to regret cozying up to the boss (Alan Reed), so he and Gillis (John Brown) print up a bill and plan to hand it to him—but they chicken out at the last minute. However, the secretary tells them that Stevenson is looking for two tickets to Saturday’s ballgame, and that the person who can get them can write his own ticket as the new foreman—pitting both Riley and Gillis against one another as they desperately try to score an extra ticket.

John Brown is the other reason why I’m a big Riley fan; the veteran radio actor, who also appeared on Fred Allen’s program, A Date With Judy and The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet, can make even the weakest Life of Riley amusing in his riotous role as “Digger” O’Dell. He has one of OTR’s most distinctive and easily-identified voices, something I learned one night while watching a DVD of Strangers on a Train (1951). Brown has a small but crucial role in the film as the inebriated professor who’s traveling by train with Guy Haines (Farley Granger) at the same time Haines is allegedly murdering his wife (Kasey Rogers)—but is later unable to provide him with a much-needed alibi.