“Your money or your life…”

March 28, 1948: The Jack Benny Program introduces a gag that will achieve both radio and television immortality; a joke that the comedian considered “my masterpiece of stingy jokes” and “the finest joke I ever performed on radio”:

CROOK: Hey Bud…Bud!
JACK: Huh?
CROOK: Got a match?
JACK: Match? Yes, I have one right here…
CROOK: Don’t move, this is a stick-up…
JACK: What?
CROOK: You heard me…
JACK: Mister…mister, put down that gun…
CROOK: Shaddap…now come on…your money or your life! (There is a pause, as the audience laughs) Look, Bud—I said your money or your life…
JACK: I’m thinking it over!!!

For years, many old-time radio books and sources reported that this classic routine got the longest audience response in the history of the show, but listening to it today it’s obvious that that claim is widely exaggerated; the laugh lasts only about six seconds, though it could have been longer had Benny chosen to “milk” the gag (however, he was concerned about the show running over). From the start of the program, you’d never know that it was destined for greatness; it begins with Jack’s grumbling about having to do Rochester’s chores (“That’s the last time I play gin rummy with you,” he tells Rochester on the phone.), and then the doorbell rings. Jack answers the door, forgetting that he’s still wearing a dust cap and apron, and he finds not only Dennis Day but a package waiting as well:

DENNIS: Gee, look—it’s a picture script from Warner Brothers…
JACK: Well, thank goodness…I’ve been waiting for it all week…
DENNIS: …and here’s a letter with it from Harry Warner…
JACK: A letter from Harry Warner? What does he say?
DENNIS: He says, “Dear Jack…enclosed find script and contract for your next picture as agreed upon…and that’s the last time I’ll play gin rummy with you…”

The script is for a Western film entitled “Bad Man of Bullock’s Basement,” which Jack is convinced that had he done the film last year, he would have copped a Best Actor Oscar instead of neighbor Ronald Colman. (“If you’d made it in that dust cap and apron you’d had won it instead of Loretta Young,” cracks Rochester.) Dennis suggests that Jack ask Colman to appear in the film in a supporting role, so Benny journeys next door to pay his neighbors a visit; naturally, Ronnie and Benita are less than thrilled:

RONNIE: I still feel that this is a trick—he’s over here to borrow something…
BENITA: Oh, why do you always suspect that, Ronnie?
RONNIE: Well, he already has my electric shaver, portable radio, phonograph, bridge lamp, cocktail shaker, electric blanket, fountain pen, tuxedo—and Wednesday night was the last straw…
BENITA: Why? What happened?
RONNIE: He told me he was going to the Palladium, his girlfriend had to work—and he wanted to borrow you…
BENITA: Why didn’t you tell me? I haven’t done the shimmy in years…

Both Ronald and Benita “audition” with Jack’s script (this is actually the weakest part of the broadcast, mining laughs mostly from the sophisticated Colmans speaking in Western drawls) but Colman takes a pass. On his way out, Jack asks Ronnie if he can “borrow” the Oscar to show Rochester. (Benita: “Darling, why did you agree to let him take the Oscar home?” Ronald: “It might as well be with the rest of my things.”) Jack is then held up by the robber, who hightails it with Jack’s wallet and Colman’s Oscar.

In The Jack Benny Show, a splendid book with anecdotes from writer Milt Josefsberg, he discusses the origin of “your money or your life”:

As we started to write the scene with the holdup man, I paced the floor while [John] Tackaberry reclined on the sofa. We threw a few tentative lines at each other, none worthy of discussion. Then I thought of a funny feed line but couldn’t get a suitable punch to finish it. I told this to “Tack,” saying, “Suppose we have the crook pull the classic threat on Jack, ‘Your money or your life.’ Jack will get screams just staring at the crook and the audience—and if we get a good snapper on it, it’ll be great.”

Tackaberry seemingly ignored me. I kept thinking of lines and discarding them as mediocre or worse. Finally one line seemed better than the rest, and I threw it at him, half-confidently: “Look, John, the crook says, ‘Your money or your life,’ and Jack stares at him and then at the audience, and then the crook repeats it and says, ‘Come on, you heard me—your money or your life?’ and Jack says ‘You mean I have a choice?’”

Now frankly that wasn’t too bad of an answer, but Tackaberry made no comment, good or bad. I got angry and yelled, “Dammit, if you don’t like my lines, throw a couple of your own. Don’t just lay there on your fat butt daydreaming. There’s got to be a great answer to ‘Your money or your life.’”

In reply, Tackaberry angrily snapped at me, “I’m thinking it over.”

In a split second we were both hysterical. We knew we could never top that.

As funny as the March 28, 1948 program is, the following week’s show is even funnier, because every time Jack relates the story, he embellishes it more and more:

CROOK: Hey, Bud…Bud!
JACK: Huh?
CROOK: You got a match?
JACK: Yes…I have one right here…
CROOK: Don’t make a move, this is a stick-up…
JACK: A stick-up? (angry) Put down that gun or I’ll thrash you…to within an inch…of your life! Put it down, I say…
CROOK: Now, now…now…now just a second, mister…don’t you come any cl-closer…
JACK: So you think you can scare me with a gun—why, I’ll break your arm…
CROOK: Look, mister…I didn’t want to do this, but I had to…I had to get money for my wife and children!
JACK: Well, you didn’t have to pull a gun on me…if you wanted money, all you had to do was ask…I’m gonna take that gun away from you, and you’ll see that…
CROOK: Now, look…I’m warning you, don’t you come any closer…all right, you asked for it…take that…
(SFX: punch)
JACK: Oh yeah? Well, you take that…and that!
MARY (interrupting Jack’s flashback): Uh, Jack…what were you doing to the crook when you said “Take that…and that!”?
ROCHESTER: He was handin’ him his wallet and the Oscar…

Later, Jack’s story has two thugs that approach him, and are so intimidated by Benny that they have to call in additional members of their “gang,” who enter in a marching style reminiscent of the classic opening of Gangbusters. While Jack continues to wring his hands over just what he’s going to tell Ronald Colman, Phil comes in with hat and hand, wanting to borrow $10,000 to purchase a ranch:

PHIL: Aw, wait a minute, Jackson—I don’t like askin’ ya, but I went to the bank and they turned me down…now if you turn me down, too, well…well, I’ll…well, I’ll just have to go to Alice…
JACK: Well, Phil, I…I’d like to help you, but…
PHIL: Now wait a minute, Jackson—I ain’t askin’ ya to give me nothin’…we’ll make it a regular business deal like when you loaned me money before…I’ll sign papers for the loan, pay ya interest and everything…
JACK: Well, are you…are you willing to put up security?
PHIL: Yeah, but…not like last time, we missed the kids…

The writers’ original idea for the stolen Oscar story arc was to have a different Academy Award® winner appear on the show each week, and Jack would borrow their Oscar—always leaving him one Oscar short. On this show, having been informed by Ronnie that he and Benita are throwing a party and that he wants to show off the Oscar, Jack and Mary drive out to Bing Crosby’s place—Crosby’s Oscar for Going My Way (1944) is kept in his trophy room:

JACK: Now, Bing…how about going to the Trophy Room?
BING: Oh yes, the Trophy Room…right down this hall… (SFX: walking, sudden stop) Here, Mary…I’ll lift you over…
MARY: No, I’ll just…walk around him…
JACK: Hmm…fine place for a horse to sleep…I can’t understand (SFX: horse whinny, sound of hooves clopping) Bing! I was stepping over him and he got up! Help me off!
BING: Ah, don’t worry, Jackson…he can’t stand up long…
JACK: What? (SFX: fall to ground) I guess you’re right…poor ol’ thing…
BING: Yeah, the veterinarian said he was gonna die yesterday…but none of my horses ever finish on time…

(snip)

JACK: Well, look, Bing—the trophy I’m most interested in is the Oscar you won for Going My Way…
MARY: Yes, we’d love to see that one, Bing…
BING: Oh…the Oscar…why didn’t you say so, I’ll get it for ya… (SFX: footsteps, pounding on door) Lenny! You in there?
LENNY: Yeah, Pop…whaddya want?
BING: You’ll have to give me my Oscar…
LENNY: I can’t right now, I’m takin’ a bath!
BING: Oh, for heaven’s sake…why don’t you use something else for a stopper?

(snip)

JACK: Hmm…well, I’m really anxious to see the Oscar, Bing…but we can wait until your boy gets through with his bath…
BING: He’ll be through in a minute…
MARY: Say, Bing…
BING: Hmm?
MARY: …while we’re waiting, how about singing a song for us?
JACK: Oh, Mary…Bing doesn’t want to sing…
BING: I do, too!

And of course, the Old Groaner doesn’t disappoint, regaling the audience with a rendition of Haunted Heart. But the big musical treat on this broadcast comes not from Bing, but from the Ink Spots, the popular vocal group who transform their mega-hit If I Didn’t Care into a commercial for Lucky Strikes. This proved so popular that they later returned to Jack’s program for a reprise of the parody on February 12, 1950, prompting Milt Josefsberg to observe that “the Ink Spots finished to the loudest applause I ever heard a commercial get.”