“Light up a Lucky—it’s light-up time…”

I’m nearly finished with Radio Spirits’ Ultimate Jack Benny Collection, and I must say, the programs chosen for this set have all been doggone good ones. The accompanying booklet, written by none other than Anthony “Texas Tony” Tollin, is also superb—and served as an essential research tool for some of these posts. I listened to CD #19 last night at work, and while the first broadcast on the disc was great, the second was…eh…

It’s from December 12, 1954, and it features Jack preparing for a trip to his frequent vacation spot, Palm Springs. Rochester is helping him pack, but the two men are bending over backwards not to mention the trip to Jack’s parrot, Polly (voiced by the one and only Mel Blanc). They resort to spelling it out: “P-A-L-M-S-P-R-I-N-G-S,” which the fine feathered friend thinks is shorthand for “vacuum cleaner.” Of course, Polly hears a radio announcer spelling it out and the jig is pretty much up.

Polly was originally conceived as a one-shot character on the Benny broadcasts, but proved so funny and successful that the bird was added as a regular running gag. Milt Josefsberg elucidates on the origins of Polly in his book The Jack Benny Show:

At first we had the parrot saying the wildest things, but Jack, who was an excellent editor, made us cut down. He had an inviolable rule that the parrot must never say or ad-lib things it made up. It could only use words that it actually heard someone say. However, since most of the things said about Jack were insulting, there was no shortage of laugh-getting lines for Polly’s busy beak.

Tollin describes this show as “Mel Blanc’s finest hour” as Polly, but I’m sure I’ve heard funnier programs—nevertheless, there are a few good sequences in this show, beginning with this exchange between Jack and Dennis Day:

DENNIS: Oh, say, Mr. Benny—is it all right if I take my mother to Palm Springs with me?
JACK: Well…
DENNIS: She’s already bought a French bathing suit…
JACK: Your mother? That’s ridiculous…
DENNIS: Oh no, it isn’t—this morning, she tried it on and my father said she really looked French…
JACK: Really?
DENNIS: Yeah… (pause) Mr. Benny…who’s General DeGaulle?

I also liked this one with Jack and Mary, partially because it provides an amusing “boomerang,” and particularly the Strike It Rich reference:

JACK: Say, Mary…what beautiful luggage! Where’d you get it?
MARY: I bought it! Last week I got two hundred dollars on a quiz program…
JACK: No kidding…on a quiz program?
MARY: Uh-huh…I was picked out of the whole studio audience because I worked for you…
JACK: Ah ha! You see, Mary…doesn’t hurt being on my program…what question did you have to answer for them to give you two hundred dollars?
MARY: No question…they just felt sorry for me…
JACK: Hmm…
MARY: The Heart Line call was food for a month…

Later on the program, we hear the “boomerang” as an announcement on the Maxwell’s radio:

ANNOUNCER: …for our next number, we will hear the Sportsmen Quartet…we were supposed to have the Ink Spots, but we felt sorry for the Sportsmen…

Bob Crosby also makes an appearance on the program, recycling the “Waste King” joke from September 24, 1950. Crosby had landed the gig as the Benny show “bandleader” at the beginning of the 1952-53 season, replacing Phil Harris—to this day, there has been much speculation as to why Harris departed, with some arguing that it was a matter of economics and others gossiping about a feud between Phil and Jack. Harris would continue for two more years with his own sitcom with wife Alice Faye, and it was about that time that the character of “Frankie Remley” disappeared from their show, forcing actor Elliott Lewis to use his real name.

I really enjoyed the first show on this disc, however—a funny holiday-themed broadcast from December 5, 1954. In addition to his numerous stooge roles (Polly, Professor LeBlanc, etc.), Mel Blanc also had a recurring part as a department store clerk driven to distraction by Jack’s indecisiveness and penny-pinching shopping methods. He first appeared in a December 8, 1946 broadcast, and nearly eight years later, he finds himself plagued with nightmares, as he is awakened by his wife Beatrice (Bea Benaderet):

MELVYN: …that same nightmare…I always have it this time of year, Beatrice…
BEATRICE: Uh…about that blue-eyed old man that comes to the store for his Christmas shopping?
MELVYN: Yeah…only this dream was worse…I looked at his hands, and instead of fingers, he had shoelaces…on one hand, the fingernails were plastic tips…and on the other hand was metal tips…why do I always have to dream about him???
BEATRICE: Now, Mel, control yourself…maybe he won’t come into the store this year…
MELVYN: Oh, he’ll come, he’ll come…he’s been comin’ in and drivin’ me nuts for over fifteen years…
BEATRICE: Well, don’t worry about it—maybe he’s mellowed…maybe he’ll be kinder now that he’s getting old…
MELVYN: He was old fifteen years ago!!!

Sure enough, faster than you can say “L.S.M.F.T.,” Jack gets a tip that his announcer, Don Wilson, has taken up painting as a hobby—and makes tracks for the store’s art department:

JACK: Oh, clerk…clerk!!!
MELVYN: Yes, sir—what can I…urrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhh!!!! It’s you again!!!
JACK: Huh?
MELVYN: How do you find me every year??? You got radar or somethin’???
JACK: What are you talking about?
MELVYN (to himself): Gee…he doesn’t recognize me…maybe everything’s gonna be okay…
JACK: What are you mumbling about, clerk?
MELVYN: Oh, nuttin’…nuttin’… (brightening) What can I do for you, sir?

(snip)

MELVYN (to himself): Gee…he didn’t even recognize me…and he didn’t give me the least bit of trouble…in fact, he was real sweet… (singing) “Oh boy, I’m lucky…I’ll say I’m lucky…this is my lucky day…” There…there, that looks pretty… (SFX: walking) Here you are sir, that’ll be ten and a quarter, includin’ tax…
JACK: Ten and a quarter? Gee, that seems like a lot to pay for just a few paints…
MELVYN: Well, not when you consider what you’re gettin’…most people don’t mind payin’ the extra money for oil paints…they last so much longer than the watercolors…
(pause)
JACK: Oh…you have watercolors, too?
MELVYN: Me and my big stupid mouth…

Jack encounters the usual cast of stooges in this episode, from Mr. Kitzel (Artie Auerbach) to the tout (Sheldon Leonard, who does a funny Lucky Strike commercial with Benny)—but he also shares some dialogue with the show’s arranger, Mahlon Merrick, who was pretty much the real bandleader on the program. Merrick asks Jack if he can recommend a good bartender for a New Year’s bash he’s throwing:

JACK: Well, now that’s the silliest thing, Mahl—spending good money on a bartender…why don’t you get one of the boys in your band? I mean, get Frank Remley…nobody knows more about drinks than he does…
MAHLON: No, I wouldn’t try that again, Jack—he was the bartender at the last party I gave…
JACK: Well—what happened?
MAHLON: Well, the first guest to arrive walked up and ordered a scotch and soda…
JACK: Uh-huh…
MAHLON: Remley bent down…got the scotch…never came up again…

And to prove my firm belief that the characters on the Benny program were so strongly ingrained in the minds of the audience that they need not be physically present to get the big laughs, Dennis attempts to purchase a Christmas gift for his mother, assisted by a salesgirl (Veola Vonn, a.k.a. Mrs. Frank Nelson):

SALESGIRL: Well, a negligee’s always a suitable gift…now, here’s a lovely one that I’m sure would please your mother…
DENNIS: No…she wouldn’t like that one…she never wears anything with a low neckline…
SALESGIRL: Oh? Is she modest?
DENNIS: No, she’s tattooed…
SALESGIRL: Well…here’s something that might suit your mother more…
DENNIS: Gee, that looks nice…only I’d like it in a brighter color…you see, my father is always depressed, and bright colors cheer him up…
SALESGIRL: Oh…well, we have a large selection of colors…but tell me, what size does your mother wear?
DENNIS: Gee, I don’t know…but…she’s about as tall as you are…
SALESGIRL: Oh—does she have my build?
DENNIS: If she did, my father wouldn’t need cheering up…

As the episode progresses, Jack wavers back and forth between watercolors and oil paints—to the point where Melvyn the clerk has a nervous breakdown, and Beatrice agrees to take her husband’s place while he has a nice lie down. Unfortunately, her resolve proves to be no stronger when it comes to dealing with old-time radio’s most beloved skinflint, and she, too, is ready for the rubber room—complete with that wonderful Benaderet Betty Rubble-laugh. (I forget who said it, but a wag once described her laugh as one “that could shatter a picture tube.”)