“Something go wrong, Mr. Conklin?”

On the list of my favorite old-time radio sitcoms, Our Miss Brooks ranks pretty darn high. The sitcom, a staple of both CBS radio and television from 1948-57, starred veteran character actress Eve Arden as the tart-tongued schoolmarm who taught English at Madison High School. It’s hard to believe that the role of Connie Brooks wasn’t written especially for Arden, whose memorable movie turns include Cover Girl (1944) and Mildred Pierce (1945) (that line about “alligators eat their young” never fails to break me up); actresses Shirley Booth, Joan Blondell and Lucille Ball were all offered the part before Eve reluctantly acquiesced.

There are so many wonderful elements in Our Miss Brooks that it’s often difficult to know where to begin. The scripts by writer-director-creator Al Lewis are always first-rate, and the acting talent involved equally so. Gale Gordon’s Osgood Conklin (Madison’s stack-blowing principal) may just very well be his finest acting role, both in radio and television. I’m also always impressed with Jeff Chandler—visually, he is unlike the character of bashful biologist Philip Boynton in so many ways (Robert Rockwell, who was the television version of Boynton, never really captured a lot of the comic nuance Chandler possessed) but vocally, he was always spot-on. Add to this list Jane Morgan, Gloria McMillan, Leonard Smith and Dick Crenna, and you have a dream cast that makes each installment of Brooks a sheer delight for the ears. (My sister and I went to see the movie Hot Shots! Part Deux when it came out in theaters, and I remember her hiding under her seat in embarrassment at the sound of my cackling when I heard Crenna’s character’s name: Denton Walters.)

In the first (March 6, 1949) of two episodes that I took along to work last evening, we find our Miss Brooks once again lamenting the fact that the attention she bestows upon Mr. Boynton is pretty much a one-way street. “For a fellow who spends so much time studying life,” she observes, “he certainly manages to get very little on him.” It’s Saturday morning, and she’s enlisted the services of Walter Denton to give her a lift to Antoine’s; she and Mr. B are attending the faculty dance that evening, and she’s getting dolled up for the occasion:

WALTER: If it’s too cool for you, Miss Brooks, I can put up the top…
MISS BROOKS: The top? Where is that?
WALTER: In the back—on the floor…
MISS BROOKS: No thanks, Walter…it doesn’t matter how my hair looks now…Antoine’ll change me into something believable…I appreciate you give me this lift today, Walter…
WALTER: Oh, it’s a pleasure, Miss Brooks—a pleasure and a privilege…because I’m so found of you both as a person and a teacher…you know, that’s one thing about Madison High…they sure got some wonderful teachers…now, take Mr. Boynton…
MISS BROOKS: Granted…
WALTER: He sure is tops…I ran into him the other night at the movies…incidentally, he was with another member of the faculty…Miss Enright…
MISS BROOKS: Please, Walter…not so soon after breakfast…
WALTER: Oh, I forgot…you and Miss Enright aren’t exactly stuck on each other…
MISS BROOKS: That, Walter, is an understatement…now let’s just forget about it, shall we?
WALTER: Sure, I’ll be happy to forget about her…I never think about her much, anyway…
MISS BROOKS: Fine… (pause) Walter…
WALTER: Yeah?
MISS BROOKS: Was she sitting close to Mr. Boynton?
WALTER: Who?
MISS BROOKS: The lady we decided to forget about…
WALTER: Well, I can practically give you a blow-by-blow because I sat right behind them in the movie…
MISS BROOKS: And what’s your report, G-2?
WALTER: They were so dull I spent half of my time watching the picture…
MISS BROOKS: You should have asked for your money back…
WALTER: Of course, she did whisper a couple of things into his ear but I couldn’t hear what they were very well…she has a funny way of purring when she talks…
MISS BROOKS: There’s nothing funny about it…to her, purring comes naturally…
WALTER: Of course, she tried to hold Mr. Boynton’s hand once or twice but she didn’t quite make it…
MISS BROOKS: Why not?
WALTER: Most of the time, he had it in a bag of popcorn…

Actress Mary Jane Croft played Daisy Enright, Miss Brooks’ fierce rival for Mr. Boynton’s affections, and I apologize for leaving her off the list of the fine actors in the second paragraph—Croft had this delightfully catty quality that really fleshed out the character and made her a force to be reckoned with. As a matter of fact, she is the topic of discussion between Connie and the salon’s owner, Antoine (Frank Nelson):

ANTOINE: One of my best customers is a teacher…in fact, she has an appointment here in a few minutes…a Miss Enright—do you know her?
MISS BROOKS: Yes, we both teach English at Madison…
ANTOINE: Oh! Then you and Miss Enright have something in common…
MISS BROOKS: I suppose you could call him that, yes…
ANTOINE: Oh, she’s a wonderful person…very active in the Parent-Teacher’s Association and all sorts of civic functions…what do you think of her?
MISS BROOKS: She’s fine…good teacher…
ANTOINE: Confidentially, I don’t like her either…and even though I should be grateful for the new customers I get through her connections, I can’t help feeling that she’s very overbearing…that’s my honest opinion, and when it comes to people—I believe that honesty is the best policy…
(SFX: Bell, door opens)
MISS ENRIGHT: Well, here I am, Antoine…
ANTOINE: Miss Enright! How wonderful to see you!
MISS BROOKS: Your policy just lapsed…

Miss Enright blackmails Antoine into “tarting up” Miss Brooks, transforming her into something out of one of those photos from places like Glamour Shots in modern day shopping malls. The comedy results from the numerous trips Miss Brooks makes back and forth to the salon (she misconstrues a remark made by Boynton that he doesn’t care for that kind of woman when actually it kind of makes him a little “frisky”).

The second episode was even funnier, with one sequence literally making me laugh so hard I cried—it’s from January 15, 1950 and entitled “Cure That Habit, Incorporated.” Friday the 13th finds merry prankster Walter filling out an application in Mr. Conklin’s name to the titular organization (a place that assists individuals to overcome alcoholism), but Conklin has enough trouble—he’s developed a wicked case of hiccups caused by stress and the knowledge that school superintendent Mr. Michaels (Francis X. Bushman of Ben-Hur fame) is planning a visit. Conklin has asked school athlete/half-wit Stretch Snodgrass to straighten up his office in anticipation of the superintendent’s arrival, and that’s when Stretch discovers that the bullfrog, snake and kittens in his jacket are loose in Conklin’s cubbyhole:

MR. CONKLIN: Well, let’s see how the place looks…
MISS BROOKS: Mr. Conklin…
MR. CONKLIN: Ah…you’ve done a very nice job, Stretch…
STRETCH: Well, thanks, Mr. Conklin, but…
MR. CONKLIN: …you can run along now…Miss Brooks, you will stay here and help me find some papers…
MISS BROOKS: Yes, sir…
STRETCH: But, Mr. Conklin…
MR. CONKLIN: I’ve already thanked you, Snodgrass…now go…
STRETCH: Yes, sir…
(SFX: door slams)
MR. CONKLIN: Now then, Miss Brooks…I’ve been trying to locate the semi-annual report I made to the board of education six months ago…will you kindly look in the top drawer of my desk while I try the closet here…?
MISS BROOKS: Very well, Mr. Conklin… (SFX: drawer opens, cat meows, drawer closes) Uh…it’s not in there…
MR. CONKLIN: You hardly looked, Miss Brooks…
MISS BROOKS: I saw enough…
MR. CONKLIN: Well, it’s not in here, either…oh, it must be in this drawer—let me look for myself… (SFX: drawer opens, cat meows, drawer closes) You were right, Miss Brooks—there’s nothing in there but a cat…well, maybe it’s in this other drawer… (SFX: drawer opens, cat meows, drawer closes) No…just another cat…well, in that case, I’ll simply have—JUST ANOTHER CAT?!!! Miss Brooks, what are these two cats doing in my desk???
MISS BROOKS: Maybe they’re looking for the report, too…they might have strayed in through an open window, Mr. Conklin—I’ll have them removed at once…
MR. CONKLIN: Well, see that you do! But first, go look in my filing cabinet…
MISS BROOKS: Yes, sir…
(SFX: walking)
MR. CONKLIN: Look under letter “B”…
MISS BROOKS: Yes, sir… (SFX: drawer opens, bullfrog sound) (to bullfrog) What are you doing in here? You should be filed under “F”… (SFX: drawer closes) It’s not in here, Mr. Conklin…
MR. CONKLIN: Well, it must be somewhere…let me look… (SFX: drawer opens) Oh, what’s in this batch…let’s see…one letter from Boys Town…my Beaver Patrol badge…one communication from the board… (SFX: bullfrog sound) one frog…an invitation to the Elks’ barbecue…another notice of a board meeting…a letter from ONE FROG!!! Miss Brooks, there’s a frog hopping around in my filing cabinet!!!
MISS BROOKS: A frog?
MR. CONKLIN: Yes, he’s jumping all over the place!!! What’ll I do, Miss Brooks?
MISS BROOKS: Why don’t you hit him with the snake that’s crawling on your coat lapel?
MR. CONKLIN: That’s a good idea…I’ll just take this snake and then I’ll TAKE THIS SNAKE?!!!
MISS BROOKS: Here, Mr. Conklin…just file him under “S”…

Conklin has to be taken to the nurse’s office (the snake has bit him, but it’s only a harmless milk snake) and the excitement brings on his hiccups again. Stretch tries to help him out by administering a radical “spinning-him-around-in-his-swivel-chair” remedy, which leaves Conklin dizzy, disoriented and hiccupping all the same. Connie and Stretch get him back to the office, just in time for him to meet with Mr. Michaels and another visitor—a concerned parent who’s president of Cure That Habit, Inc. The “animals-in-the-office” scene isn’t all that funny on paper, but listening to Gordon’s vocal inflections and immaculate timing makes the episode a genuine gut-buster.