“Hiya, rube!”

As Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s Jack Benny project rolls on, we take the WABAC machine to September 24, 1950 for an episode that features another one of the show’s best-remembered routines. The opening of this particular show is kind of clever; announcer Don Wilson has started the weekly introduction but is cut off quickly by Jack:

JACK: Hold it, Don! Don, hold it! Hold it, hold it…wait a minute, Phil…hold it! Hold it! Hold it, everybody…
DON: What’s the matter, Jack?
JACK: Look, we’ll be on the air in a few minutes and the opening is still not right…now rehearse it again…
DON: But, Jack—I read the opening like I always do…
JACK: Oh, it isn’t you, Don…it’s the music!
PHIL: And what, pray tell, is wrong with the music?
JACK: The same thing, pray tell, that’s been wrong with it for fifteen years…Phil, it’s too loud…nobody can hear Don! I can tell you now, Phil—you’ll never get anywhere with that kind of blasting…
PHIL: Look, Jackson—now listen to me…I’ve got a Cadillac, a yacht and a mansion in Encino…show me one “Clair de Lune” man who can top that…
JACK: Phil, I know you have a Cadillac, a yacht and a mansion…but what did your music have to do with getting all those things?
PHIL: My band played “Here Comes the Bride”…I looked at that little blonde standing beside me, said “I do,” and they were mine, all mine…
JACK: He admits it, yet…
MARY: Jack…we’ll be on the air in a minute, so why upset yourself?
JACK: But, Mary…
MARY: Well, Phil has a lot of bad musicians and there’s nothing you can do about it…
PHIL: Wait a minute! Hold it a minute, May Company Maisie…let’s get something straightened out—what do you mean about bad musicians? For your information, Liv—my string section used to be with Whiteman and some of my boys were with Dorsey…
MARY: Well, I’m talking about the fellas who were with King…
JACK: Wayne King?
MARY: No, Waste King—they used to install them…

Sam Hearn, who was a Benny show regular during the 30s and early 40s as Schlepperman, appears in this broadcast as Benny’s friend from rural Calabasas, who heckles him from the "audience." Hearn bobbles a line that prompts a funny ad-lib from Jack: “If you hadn’t muffed that line, you’d have got a bigger laugh, too.” The show’s sketch involves a salute to California’s centennial; it’s the 100th anniversary of the state’s joining the Union (prompting Phil to remark, “That Petrillo is really on his toes, ain’t he?”)

Jack and Phil play a couple of prospectors during California’s Gold Rush in 1849, and the highlight of the sketch is the famous “Si-Sy-Sue” routine, which was used many, many times on the program. Mel Blanc would play a character (referred to by the writers as “the little Mexican”) who gave short, curt replies to Jack’s questions in such a way that often times the comedian would experience difficulty keeping a straight face. The routine doesn’t really read all that funny; it’s Blanc’s vocal intonations that give the sequence its punch. In this version, Mary gets in on the routine, too:

JACK: Hello, girlie…are you the singer in this saloon?
MARY: Si.
JACK: You sing here every night?
MARY: Si.
JACK: Are you single?
MARY: Si.
JACK: What’s your name?
MARY: Sue.
JACK: Sue?
MARY: Si.
JACK: Well, say, Sue…after your show tonight, how about goin’ out with me? We could have a lot of fun together…
MARY: Do not get fresh with me, senor…the bartender, he is my brother…
JACK: Aw, you’re kiddin’ (to bartender) Hey, bartender!
MEL: Si.
JACK: Can I talk to you a minute?
MEL: Si.
JACK: Are you her brother?
MEL: Si.
JACK: What’s your name?
MEL: Sy.
JACK: Sy?
MEL: Si.
JACK: Well, look, Sy…I wanna go out with your sister, see?
MEL: She’s Sue.
JACK: I know she’s Sue…I heard Sue say so…
MEL: What did you say, senor?
(SFX: gunshot, scream, fall to floor)
JACK (narrating): I killed Sy…it was easier than reading that line again…

The beauty of the “Si-Si-Sue” gag was its endless workability; it was used in a spoof of “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre” on May 1, 1949 and a take-off on “Wings of the Hawk” October 18, 1953. The second show (October 22, 1950) finds Jack preparing for his television debut by packing for a plane trip to New York:

JACK: Now, let’s see…I’ll be gone for twelve days…I’ll need two pairs of shorts…two shirts…two pairs of socks…two handkerchiefs…and a box of Duz…close the bag, Rochester…
ROCHESTER: Yes, sir…
MARY: Uh, wait a minute, Jack…you’re going to be gone twelve days and that’s all you’re taking?
JACK: Mary, I’m going by plane—I have to be careful about the weight…you know, they charge you extra if your luggage weighs over forty pounds…it’s seventy-nine cents a pound to New York…unless you get off at Chicago, then it’s fifty-seven cents…or Kansas City, it’s forty-six cents…
MARY: Why don’t you go to New York and send your clothes to Albuquerque?
JACK: Say, may…oh stop, will ya?
MARY: But Jack, aren’t you taking any extra suits?
JACK: Certainly! I’m taking my blue serge, my tweed, my herringbone, my pin-stripe and my gabardine…
MARY: That’s five suits…I don’t see any of them in the bag…
ROCHESTER: He’s wearin’ ‘em—they don’t weigh the passengers…

And of course, if he’s going to be in New York—there’ll be nothing but the finest in luxurious accommodations for our star:

MARY: By the way, Jack…you haven’t told me where you’ll be staying while you’re in New York…
JACK: The same place, Mary—the Acme Plaza Hotel…I always stay there…
MARY: Oh my goodness, Jack…after the long lecture I gave you last week about being cheap, why must you always stay at an awful joint like the Acme Plaza?
JACK: I’ll tell you why, Mary…for sentimental reasons…many years ago, when I was trying to get a start in vaudeville…and I had no place to stay and nothing to eat…and I couldn’t find a job…the Acme Plaza let me stay there and fed me for nothing…they did that because they knew I was unemployed…
MARY: Well…gee, Jack…I didn’t know that…if they’re that nice, next time I go to New York I’m going to stay there, too…
JACK: Okay, but…don’t tell them I’m working now…

This show is interesting because it takes many of the standard “railroad station” gags used by the Benny writers and updates them to an airport background. Jack encounters both Mr. Kitzel (Artie Auerbach) and Sheldon Leonard’s racetrack tout (“Hey Bud…Bud…c’mere…”), and of course, it wouldn’t be complete without Mel Blanc’s public address system announcements:

MEL: Flight number nineteen now loading at gate five for Anaheim, Azusa and Cuc…amonga…attention, passengers getting off at Cucamonga…watch your step, we do not stop there…

…nor would it be complete without Jack confronting his nemesis, Frank Nelson (as the airline ticket agent):

JACK: Anyway, I’m on flight number twelve…is that usually a smooth trip?
FRANK: They’re all very smooth…
JACK: Oh…then I won’t get sick?
FRANK: No—but whoever sits next to you will…
JACK: Now just a minute! I’ve taken about all I’m gonna take from you! Now give me your number—I’m gonna have you fired!!!
FRANK (upset): Oh, please…please don’t…I’m sorry I offended you…don’t get me fired…I have a big family to support…if I’m out of work, my wife and five children will starve…
JACK: Well…all right then, I won’t report you…but I’ll bet you’re just making the whole thing up…
FRANK: Oooooooooh, am I!!!
JACK: Well, that does it—I’d punch you right in the nose if I didn’t have to take off five coats…

Jack’s first TV show included Don Wilson, Rochester, Mel Blanc, the Sportsmen Quartet and “Mr. Kitzel,” with special guest star Dinah Shore. In his first television season, he did a total of two programs (talk about not wanting to get your feet wet), but the debut program had one of the best Benny lines: “I’d give a million dollars to know what I look like.”