“Be Happy—Go Lucky!”

The December 3, 1950 broadcast of The Jack Benny Program recycled an earlier script (from March 11, 1945) in which Jack relates how he “found” Rochester (Eddie Anderson). (Both shows feature Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll as Amos ‘n’ Andy, as Roch was driving a cab for them at the time.) But the 1950 show contains one of the classic bloopers of the show—Mary, in attempting to say “grease rack,” turns it into “grass reek.” (The writers had quite a heyday with that little beaut on shows to follow.)

As announcer Don Wilson opens the show, we learn that Jack was up for a prestigious award honoring the greatest performer in television—which he unfortunately loses to “Mr. Television” himself, Milton Berle. So his cast attempts to cheer him up:

DON: But Jack, I still think that even though you did only one program in TV, you should have been selected as television’s greatest star…
JACK: Well, Don…
MARY: I agree with Don, Jack…not only did you look youthful and handsome, but you’re a master showman…
JACK: Oh, Mary…
DON: Why Jack, I thought your timing was absolutely…
PHIL (interrupting): Hold it, kids…I know Christmas is coming, but let’s not get panicky…
JACK: Oh, so that’s it…using flattery to get Christmas presents…Phil, I’m surprised you didn’t go along with them…
PHIL: Why should I butter you up for a lousy pair of shoelaces?
JACK: Wait a minute, Phil…I’ll admit that three years ago, I gave Don Wilson a pair of shoelaces for Christmas…but I only did that for a gag…
DON: Well, I’m ready for another gag…they broke this morning…

Next, Mary gets a phone call from her sister Babe—Babe, at least on the radio show, was a fictional man-chaser and described as not being too terribly attractive. (In real life, Mary actually did have a sister named Babe—who didn’t seem to mind being the subject of the show's barbs.) She was frequently given offbeat occupations, like "lady wrestler" and "deep sea diver":

MARY (on phone): Uh, Babe—what are you doing in California? (pause) Uh…you have to go to San Francisco…so soon? (pause) Well, it seems like they just painted that bridge…
JACK: Mary…
MARY (still on phone): Well, tell me, Babe—if you’re going to San Francisco, what are you doing here in Los Angeles? (pause) Lawsuit? (pause) You’re gonna sue Phil Harris? But why? (pause) Oh, Babe—I’m sure he doesn’t mean you when he sings about “The Thing…” (pause) Your picture’s on the music?

Phil Harris and the band treat the audience to a rendition of The Thing, a novelty tune (boom boom boom) that reached #1 on the pop charts in 1950 and 1951. It was probably the biggest hit of Harris' career, which included other great novelty hits like The Preacher and the Bear, The Darktown Poker Club, Smoke! Smoke! Smoke That Cigarette, and The Old Master Painter. His best-known song is probably his signature hit, That’s What I Like About the South—a song which became a running gag during the Benny program’s 1947-48 season. (Phil performed the song on many occasions, but I’m particularly fond of a Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show broadcast from February 12, 1950—he sings it as if it was the first time, it really cooks.) After Harris finishes the song, the Sportsmen Quartet give it the Lucky Strike commercial treatment, which is equally amusing and fun.

Jack’s flashback as to his first encounter with Rochester is prefaced by an envelope he’s received containing some questions he’s to be asked by a radio interviewer. He asks Mary to help him with a brief run-through:

MARY: Here’s the first question…tell me, Mr. Benny—where were you born?
JACK: Uh, Waukegan, Illinois…February 14, 1911…well…go ahead, Mary—ask me the next question…
MARY (long pause): Well…all right…Mr. Benny, we’ve seen many pictures of you in a sailor suit…what year did you enter the Navy?
JACK: 1917…go ahead, Mary—next question…
MARY: Uh…wait a minute, Jack…you were born in 1911 and went into the Navy in 1917?
JACK: Yes…next question…
PHIL: Now hold it, Jackson…if you were born in 1911 and went into the Navy in 1917, you would have been only six years old…
JACK: Next question, Mary…
DON: Jack, how could you possibly get into the Navy when you were only six years old?
JACK: I had a tough draft board and shut up!!!

The second broadcast, from April 15, 1951—is one of my particular favorites: Jack gets a visit from two IRS agents, Collins (Joseph Kearns) and Thompson (Will Wright), who are flabbergasted as to how the comedian could only declare seventeen dollars spent on entertainment on his 1950 tax return:

COLLINS: It’s unbelievable, Herb…unbelievable…
THOMPSON: In all the years I’ve been with the Internal Revenue Department, I’ve never come across anything like this…have you?
COLLINS: Only once…I checked over a man’s return and for that year, he only spent twenty-two dollars on entertainment…
THOMPSON: Was he in show business?
COLLINS: No, he was a prisoner at San Quentin…in solitary, yet…

The two men are particularly flummoxed by an item that indicates Jack spent $3.90 taking Ronnie and Benita Colman to the Mocaimbo (Jack helpfully points out that Mary went, too). Benny suggests that the two agents journey next door and verify the amount with the Colmans:

(SFX: door opens)
RONNIE: Yes?
THOMPSON: Are you Mr. Ronald Colman?
RONNIE: Yes, I am…
COLLINS: Well, we’re from the office of the Collector of Internal Revenue…
RONNIE: Yipe!
COLLINS: Now…now, calm down, Mr. Colman…it’s not in reference to you that we’re here…
THOMPSON: It’s, uh, concerning the income tax return of your neighbor, Jack Benny…
RONNIE (brightening): Good, good!
COLLINS: I’m afraid you don’t understand…you see, last year Mr. Benny earned $375,000…
RONNIE: $375,000?
COLLINS: Yes…and according to his return, he spent seventeen dollars on entertainment…
RONNIE: That much?
COLLINS: But, Mr. Colman—only seventeen dollars!
RONNIE: Well, why would he have to spend more? He borrows everything from us…
THOMPSON: Well, uh…we’d like to come in and talk to you…
RONNIE: Well, of course…of course…
(SFX: door closes)
BENITA (off): Who is it, Ronnie?
RONNIE: It’s two men from the income tax department…
BENITA (off): Yipe!

Colman is all too eager to help the two gentlemen out (“Now…when are you sending Mr. Benny to jail?”) and so he relates the story of how Jack managed to spend the $3.90. The four of them have been taking a turn on the dance floor, with Mary dancing with Ronnie and Jack with Benita (Jack: “I have never enjoyed waltzing so much.” Benita: “It’s a shame the band was playing a rhumba.”). Mary has to sit the next dance out (she cracks that she’s still helping out at the May Company on Saturdays) and she strikes up a conversation with Colman:

MARY: Say, Ronnie—do you mind if I ask you something personal?
RONNIE: Personal?
MARY: Yes, I keep hearing rumors that…well, that you don’t like Jack too much…
RONNIE: Well…
MARY: Oh, I know he has his faults, but…he means well…
RONNIE: Well, maybe so…but why can’t he mean well to somebody else? If it were Jack alone, it might not be so bad…but it’s those ridiculous people that are on the show with you…
MARY: What do you mean?
RONNIE: Well, that…Phil Harris person…it’s amazing the character he plays on the radio…does he carry on like that in real life?
MARY: Shall we look under the table and see?
RONNIE: Oh (laughing)…come now, Mary… (laughing) you’re making that up…
MARY: Yes, but the odds are in my favor…

Meanwhile, on the dance floor:

BENITA: Oh, Jack—wait a second! You better get your handkerchief…I accidentally smeared some lipstick on your lapel…
JACK: Oh, that’s all right—I’ll wipe it off when we get to the table…
BENITA: No, no, no…if Ronnie sees it, he’ll be terribly angry…
JACK: Oh…I didn’t know Ronnie was jealous…
BENITA: He’s not…but it’s his tuxedo…

The exchanges transcribed here just scratch the surface of a really funny broadcast—particularly when Jack once again tangles with his nemesis Frank Nelson (as a very surly waiter). The IRS plot went over so well that the Benny show writers recycled it nearly a year later (March 16, 1952), with Professor LeBlanc (Mel Blanc) the subject of inquiry by the IRS men (this time they share the same name as the actors, Kearns and Wright).