“Duhhhhh…hello Arch!”

Sometime back on the Old-Time Radio Digest, an interesting hypothetical question was tossed into the discussion: what old-time radio series do you wish there were more episodes available? My first choice right off the bat was Fred Allen (natch); any extra Allen is like a hot fudge sundae to me. My other pick was Duffy’s Tavern—the series that many writers and fans consider one of the all-time great radio comedy shows has many shows extant, but they all seem to be from 1949-51, at a time when the program had reached its nadir.

Duffy’s star and creator, Ed Gardner, “outsourced” the popular sitcom to Puerto Rico at the beginning of the 1949-50 season, in order to take advantage of a hefty tax break offered as an incentive to set up industry there. Listening to shows from that period, they pretty much have that odious “canned” quality, and also sound as if they were recorded for a buck ninety-eight. The program was further compromised when series regular Eddie Green (as Eddie the waiter) passed away in 1950—he was replaced by Ed “Fats” Pichon and later Bert “The Mad Russian” Gordon and Arthur Treacher, but it just wasn’t the same. Still, the programs continued to attract guest stars; the celebrities no doubt thrilled at the prospect of a working vacation.

I listened to a CD of two Duffy’s Tavern programs last night, and…well, I’ll give you the bad news first. The premiere broadcast (October 5, 1951) of the show’s last season features Boris Karloff as its guest and all I can say is…I hope his vacation was nice. He’s been given the most atrocious material to work with; the comedy sounding as if someone swiped some jokes from old Bazooka gum wrappers. (I know Karloff’s been in some real stinkeroo movies, but I honestly felt embarrassed for the man after listening to this show.) The show’s opening and closing theme are played on an accordion, and even Clifton Finnegan (Charlie Cantor) is missing from this program until the last minute, when he’s used as the punchline to a script that was mediocre to start with. (A brief bright spot: Pichon does a nice version of “Honeysuckle Rose”; otherwise, avoid this entry like the plague.)

The second broadcast is from May 26, 1948, and while it’s a vast improvement over the Karloff debacle, it’s still not as amusing as some other shows that I’ve heard. Actor Rex Harrison is guest in a program that finds Archie falling in love with a Vassar graduate named Barbara Maxwell; he plans to marry the gal with both brains and beauty, only he hasn’t gotten around to springing that on her yet:

EDDIE: Hey, Mister Archie…ain’t you makin’ a mistake havin’ your girl down here at the same time as Rex Harrison?
ARCHIE: I ain’t worried, Eddie—what’s he got that I ain’t got?
EDDIE: Oh…looks…
ARCHIE: Go on…
EDDIE: Talent…
ARCHIE: Go on…
EDDIE: Intelligence…
ARCHIE: Go on…
EDDIE: Fame…
ARCHIE: Yeah…but what has he got that would appeal to a dame?
EDDIE: Money…
ARCHIE (after a pause): That’s right…I never thought of that…

Harrison, who at the time had films like Anna and the King of Siam (1946) and The Foxes of Harrow (1947) to his credit, proves to be game for the traditional guest-star-insults-the-flea-infested-dive-repartee:

ARCHIE: Hey, it’s a funny thing, you know…here you and me is, havin’ tea together and it was just a while back that our ancestors fought a war over the stuff…but, I always say—bygones will be bygones…well, down the hatch…
REX: Hmm…uh, Archie…this tea…
ARCHIE: What about it?
REX: What are you trying to do, start another war?
EDDIE: Yeah! He’s even usin’ the same tea!
ARCHIE: Eddie, it’s loose talk like that that sinks ships…uh, how did you happen to come down here to Duffy’s Tavern, Rex…?
REX: Well, after all, it’s a world-famous place…
ARCHIE: Well, thank you…
REX: …yes, why even in London people warned me against eating here…
ARCHIE: Mr. Harrison—a lot of pride has gone into makin’ Duffy’s Tavern what it is…
REX: But with the lack of customers, how do you manage to stay in business?
ARCHIE: We’re too proud to declare bankruptcy…

Archie’s “dream girl” eventually arrives and the bartender attempts to pass himself off as an intellectual, with poor success—so he decides to enlist the help of the suave, sophisticated Harrison as his “Uncle Rex.” Unfortunately for Archie, Harrison has spent the entire day conversing with Finnegan, and much of his imbecility seems to have rubbed off on him; a trait which Barbara finds irresistible, and the two stroll out of the tavern together, leaving Archie low man on the totem pole once again.