Thirty-Nine and Holding

This month’s Jack Benny salute rolls on with an October 27, 1946 broadcast that features one of the show’s funniest “bloopers.” Announcer Don Wilson takes the listener back to previous week just as last week’s show has ended, which featured a spoof on the radio show The Whistler (“The Fiddler”):

MARY: I’ll never forget the look on your face when you opened the door where you thought the murderer was and found the Quartet instead…
JACK: Ah yes, them…you know, Mary, those guys are driving me nuts…I wish there was some way I could get rid of them…if I could just…say! I’ve got it!
MARY: Oh no, Jack—where would you hide the bodies?
JACK: I wasn’t thinking of that…anyway, I gotta figure out some way…
MARY: Jack…let’s stop in the drugstore for a snack…
JACK: Well…look, Mary—it’s only five o’clock…if you wait ‘til later, I’ll take you out and buy you a full-course dinner…
MARY: I’m no gambler, I’ll take a sandwich now…

They enter the drugstore, and are waited on by—who else?—Jack’s sardonic nemesis, Frank Nelson ("Yesssssssss???"). In placing their orders, Mary asks for a “chiss sweese” (Swiss cheese) sandwich, which breaks up both the audience and the cast. (The writers, who never missed an opportunity to capitalize on the cast’s fluffs, worked in several “chiss sweese” gags in subsequent broadcasts.) Jack and Mary are soon joined by his gang—Dennis Day, Don Wilson and Phil Harris. When Phil complains about Jack leaving without paying the check, Jack shoots back: “You and Dennis can split it—you’ve both got shows of your own now.”

Jack returns home, and he’s still disgruntled about the Sportsmen:

JACK: That quartet that sings the commercials drives me crazy…
ROCHESTER: Boss, I think it’s nice to have music with the commercials…
JACK: Rochester—all Wilson has to say is: L.S.M.F.T…L.S.M.F.T…Lucky Strike means fine tobacco…yes, Lucky Strikes means fine tobacco…so round, so firm, so fully packed…so free and easy on the draw…that’s all he has to say, and people will walk down to the nearest store and buy Lucky Strikes…
ROCHESTER: I know…but if you do it with music, they’ll dance down…

Jack decides to call it an early night, and he drifts off to sleep with the radio, only to have a wild and wacky dream in which he murders the Quartet and is put on trial. I love the Benny shows that feature dream sequences, since they have this Kafkaesque nuttiness about them; this one is extremely funny, allowing the entire cast to participate and do jokes based on the catchphrases (“To each his own,” “Eastern Columbia, Broadway and Ninth,” and “Greenberg’s on third”) that were popular on the program at that time:

JACK: Dennis…Dennis, you…my lawyer?
DENNIS: Certainly…don’t you remember, you hired me for thirty-five dollars a week…
JACK: But…but, kid…I only hired you to sing on my radio program…
DENNIS: Yes, but in the fine print of my contract, it says I have to be your lawyer when I’m not mowing your lawn…

(snip)

PHIL: Hiya, Jackson…
JACK: Phil…Phil, what are you doing here?
PHIL: I’m the district attorney…and I ain’t gonna rest until you’re executed…
JACK: Phil, you’re the district attorney? You’ve got two shows now…

The second show on this CD showcases a joke that in many ways captures the essential essence of the Jack Benny character; namely, Jack’s narcissistic and self-deluded assertion that he was only thirty-nine years old. In his book, The Jack Benny Show, writer Milt Josefsberg explains the joke’s origins:

Jack wasn’t always thirty-nine. When we first fibbed about his age on the radio, his birth certificate indicated that he was in his fifties, but we made him thirty-six. The only reason for selecting this figure was because we could have him hammily say, “I’m thirty-six—a perfect thirty-six.”

Jack remained thirty-six years old for three years, which is one less than my wife did. He became thirty-seven with much flourish. Then on his next birthday we had a line, not on our radio program, but given to the press by Jack: “Thirty-seven is such a nice age I’ve decided to hold it over for another year.” And he did. Thirty-eight lasted longer because we were fast approaching forty, a figure we were loath to reach. After trying on the age of thirty-eight for size and liking it, we stayed with it for a few years, and then we hit the final age, thirty-nine.

So this Febuary 15, 1948 celebrates the big “three-nine”—though Don points out that the events on the show occur the day before (since February 14th—Valentine’s Day—was the actual date of Benny’s birthday). Everyone is planning a party for him, beginning with the Beverly Hills Beavers—a kids’ club whose raison d’etre seemed to be to boost Jack’s fragile ego:

CLIFF: Well, I’m a new member of the Beavers…and I’d like to know who Jack Benny is…
STEVIE: Are you kidding? Don’t you know who Jack Benny is?
CLIFF: No, who is he?
JOY: Who is Jack Benny…he’s only the greatest fullback that Yale ever had…
STEVIE: He quit football because he was afraid to hurting his hands…that would stop him from playing the violin…
JOY: That’s right, Cliff…Mr. Benny is one of the world’s greatest violinists…
CLIFF: Well, if he’s the world’s greatest violinist, how come I’ve never heard of him?
STEVIE: Well, that’s because he’s so modest…he goes under the name of Jascha Heifetz…

The action then switches over to Mary’s residence, as she also makes party plans with help from her maid Pauline (Doris Singleton). Josefsberg observes in his book that originally, the writers wanted to get across the point that Pauline was a little man-crazy, and a joke was written that her favorite dream was “to be a bar of soap in the Brooklyn Dodgers locker room.” This gag, however, did not go over real well with the censor, and they were forced to change “bar of soap” to “Dixie cup.” Mary has ordered a cake for Jack with thirty-nine candles (“…and arrange them in the shape of a question mark.”), but Pauline remains skeptical:

PAULINE: Say, Miss Livingstone…how old is Mr. Benny really?
MARY: Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t tell you…see, Mr. Benny and I have an agreement that saves us both a lot of embarrassment…
PAULINE: An agreement?
MARY: Yes…I never tell anyone his age and he never tells anyone my salary…
PAULINE: But…but, Miss Livingstone…if Mr. Benny pays you so little…how can you afford this nice apartment and all your nice clothes and everything?
MARY: My mother writes for Bob Hope…

We then find ourselves in a pool parlor where Phil Harris and Mel Blanc are shooting a game of pool—Phil tells Mel that the party will be at his place, since he’s just filled his swimming pool. (When Mel points out that it’s a little cold for swimming, Phil informs him that you don’t notice it after you dive in because it’s filled with bourbon.) Then, it’s off to eavesdrop on Dennis Day and his mother (Verna Felton), who’s also maintaining a healthy skepticism on Benny’s age:

VERNA: How old is Mr. Benny today?
DENNIS: Thirty-nine…
VERNA: Thirty-nine indeed…why, I remember seeing him in a vaudeville act with Al Jolson when they introduced the song “Sonny Boy…”
DENNIS: How long ago was that?
VERNA: I don’t remember…but Benny was singing, and Jolson was climbing up his knee…

At home, Jack is brooding, convinced that everyone has forgotten his birthday—and Rochester isn’t much help, although he has a feeling something is troubling Jack (“There’s a rainbow in your little blue eyes.”) Mary calls Rochester to let him know that the gang is on its way over to throw Jack a surprise party (“Well, bring some food with you—the time lock doesn’t open the icebox until six in the morning.”) and Rochester manages to get Jack out of the house. Dejected and angry (“I’ve got a good notion to fire every one of them…if I had any talent, I would...”), Jack takes a walk and then finds solace in a movie theater that’s showing The Horn Blows at Midnight, and he stays there for close to four hours:

MANAGER: I beg your pardon, mister…
JACK: Huh?
MANAGER: I’m the manager of this theater…we’ve shown you The Horn Blows at Midnight three times…now will you please go home so we can close up?
JACK: Okay, okay—by the way, mister…the girl at the box office told me you haven’t sold a ticket all week…
MANAGER: That’s quite true…
JACK: Well, if that’s true, how come there’s someone sitting in almost every seat in this theater?
MANAGER: We rent it out as a storage room to a mortuary…
JACK: A mortuary? You mean all the people in those seats are…that’s amazing!
MANAGER: I’ll say it’s amazing…yesterday, in the middle of the picture three of ‘em got up and walked out…

After waiting around for Jack, Mary and the others end up having to leave, and Jack finds a dark, empty house on his return (though he does get a singing telegram from his sister via a phone call). The next morning, however, Rochester tells his boss about the surprise party and Jack is weeps with joy (“Why, Boss—that rainbow’s comin’ back in your little blue eyes.”)