“If I had to choose only one bit as being the funniest, that’s the one I would have to pick…”

The title of this particular Jack Benny post comes from a line the comedian wrote in a letter to Hank Grant of The Hollywood Reporter; Grant had requested that Benny contribute what he (Jack) thought were some of the most memorable bits on the program. Now, I’m not entirely convinced that this is the funniest of all of the Benny show gags, but you certainly can’t argue with the fact that it got a bigger audience response than the celebrated “Your money or your life” joke. To set the scene, announcer Don Wilson—whose character on the show often served as sort of a “know-it-all”—is discussing opera with this broadcast’s guest star, singer Dorothy Kirsten of the Metropolitan Opera:

DON: Oh, Miss Kirsten—I wanted to tell you that I saw you in Madame Butterfly Wednesday afternoon and I thought your performance was simply magnificent…
DOROTHY: Well, that’s awfully kind of you, Mr. Wilson—but who could help singing Puccini? It’s so expressive, particularly the last act starting with the allegro vivacissimo…
DON: Well, that’s being very modest, Miss Kirsten, but not every singer has the necessary bel canto and flexibility of the range to cope with the high tessitura of that first act…
DOROTHY: Well, Mr. Wilson—didn’t you think in the aria “Un Bel Di Vedremo” that the strings played the con molto exceptionally fine, with great sostenendo?
JACK: Well, I thought…
MARY: Oh, SHUT UP…

I clocked the response (and I could be off a second or two, because I didn’t have a proper stopwatch) at about twenty-two seconds, which is not too shabby, laugh-wise. Why it received the response it did is still a head-scratcher, unless folks were so used to hearing Verna Felton (as Mrs. Day) say it to Jack so often (although she put a little more “oomph” into it: “Ehhhhhhhhh shut up!”) that when it came out of Mary, it was just that much funnier.

This April 25, 1948 broadcast finds Jack newly returned from two weeks in Palm Springs, and as he's having breakfast, Rochester pulls down the shades in the kitchen, for fear that Ronald Colman will spot Jack and learn that he has returned home:

JACK: He’s still mad about my losing his Oscar, isn’t he?
ROCHESTER: Mad? Yesterday he came over and got one of our lawnmowers…
JACK: Well…that’s all right…
ROCHESTER: I know, but he mowed half his lawn before he put the flag down on the meter…

Jack, of course, has to find some way to get to the studio, since it’s Sunday—and Rochester suggests that he don the outfit he wore in the 1941 comedy Charley’s Aunt:

JACK: Rochester, how do I look in my Charley’s Aunt costume?
ROCHESTER: Well, let me see…you’ve got the wig on straight, and your curls tumble down over your forehead in a tantalizing manner…
JACK: Thank you…thank you, Rochester…
ROCHESTER: Your mascara is just heavy enough to accentuate the blue in your eyes…
JACK: Good, good…
ROCHESTER: Uh…your lips have the red glow of a summer sun as it slowly sinks into the peaceful Pacific…
JACK: Well!
ROCHESTER: And your…uh-oh…
JACK: What’s the matter?
ROCHESTER: You better pull up your shoulder strap…your hair on your chest is showing…

Jack makes his way down the street (Mary has been told by Rochester to meet Benny at the corner) and bumps right into Ronnie—who, not recognizing his nemesis, helps him across the street (“Well, thanks again, Mr. Colman—you’re my favorite Oscar…I mean, actor! You’re my favorite actor!”) Jack climbs into the back seat of Mary’s car, who finds his charade a bit ridiculous:

JACK: Come on, Mary, let’s go…
MARY: Jack! You’re not going to the studio dressed as Charley’s Aunt, are you?
JACK: No, no, Mary…I have my suit on underneath…I’ll slip the dress off while you’re driving…
MARY: No…no, Jack…don’t take it off…I want to remember you just the way you are…
JACK: What?
MARY: …the way your curls tumble down over your forehead in a tantalizing manner…
JACK: Say! Rochester said the same thing!
MARY: …and your mascara is just heavy enough to accentuate the blue in your eyes…
JACK: That’s funny—he said that, too…
MARY: …and your lips have the red glow of a summer sun as it slowly sinks into the La Brea Tar Pits…
JACK: Mary…
MARY: I’ll bet he didn’t think of that one…

Arriving at the studio, Jack runs into his all-around voice-man, Mel Blanc:

MEL: Hello, Jack—are you gonna use me on your show today?
JACK: No…no, Mel…I spent too much money in Palm Springs…maybe next week, huh? So long, Mel…
MEL: So long! (in Porky Pig voice) Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks!
JACK: Gee, he’s a clever guy…it’s a shame he won’t work cheaper…

After supervising a run-through with Dennis’ song, Jack, Phil and Dennis are joined by Mary, who’s just got back some snapshots taken during their stay in Palm Springs:

MARY: Here’s a picture of me taken near the pool in my bathing suit…
PHIL: Hey, lemme see that, Livvy…
MARY: Here you are…
PHIL: Well scudda hoo, scudda hay! (laughs) Say, that’s really a gorgeous bathing suit…
MARY: Oh, it’s nothing…
JACK: That he can see…believe me…
MARY: …and Phil—here’s one of Jack in his bathing trunks…
PHIL: Let me have a peek at that… (laughing) oh no…no…oh, no…no…
JACK: What are you laughing at?
PHIL: You look like a spider with four legs missing…
JACK: All right, Phil, you can stop fizzing…
DENNIS: Say, Mary—can I see that picture of Mr. Benny?
MARY: Here you are, Dennis…
DENNIS: Gee…I don’t know what Phil was laughing at…
JACK: Thanks, kid…
DENNIS: …for a spider you look pretty good…

At this point in the proceedings, Don brings out Dorothy Kirsten, the guest—who will sing on the show, accompanied by the Sportsmen Quartet. Jack asks Don what this will cost him and when Don whispers the amount in his ear, he blanches and remarks, “She gets more than Mel Blanc!” But it’s money well-spent, Kirsten and the Sportsmen do a Lucky Strike commercial to the Quartet from Riggoletto; one of the most memorable of the Lucky Strike parodies (and also one of the most controversial: several hundred opera fans wrote in letters of protest over its bastardization).

The second Benny Program broadcast that I listened to last night was originally broadcast the following week (May 2, 1948); it begins with announcer Wilson offering nothing but effusive praise for his boss Benny. Yes, you guessed it—it’s option time for the cast, and Don has raised an objection or two:

JACK: Anyway, the raise I offered you is as high as I can go—now what do you say?
DON: I can’t sign the contract now, I’ll have to talk it over with the little woman…
JACK: Oh, you and the little woman…haven’t you got a mind of your own?
DON: Yes! But I respect my wife’s opinion…I’m very devoted to her…
JACK: I see…
DON: After all, I’m at home with her every day except Sunday…
JACK: Well, I can fix that, too…

Dennis has sent in a note announcing that he’s going to be a no-show (his mother won’t let him appear until she’s had an opportunity to discuss his new contract with Benny) on the program, so Don suggests that Jack ask Frank Sinatra to help out, seeing as Frankie is in a nearby studio rehearsing for a special. Mary goes on over and after Sinatra rehearses But Beautiful, Mary explains the reason why she’s there:

MARY: Say, Frank…I came over to ask you to step over to our studio…Jack would like to see you…
FRANK: That’s a coincidence…I was just goin’ over to see him myself…yeah, I’m a little peeved at him—he’s ruining my singing on the Hit Parade…
MARY: Well, I don’t understand…how could Jack hurt your singing?
FRANK: I can’t hit those high notes anymore…he puts too much starch in my collars…
MARY: Oh…well, that’s Rochester’s fault…Jack’s specialty is rough-dry…
FRANK: Well, that isn’t my only complaint, Mary…yesterday, my bundle of laundry came and two of my handkerchiefs were missing…and they were the handkerchiefs Crosby gave me for my birthday…
MARY: Well, how do you know they were the handkerchiefs Bing gave you?
FRANK: They had chloroform on them…

Jack and Frank haggle over Sinatra’s fee for singing on the show, with Jack naturally wanting something a little…oh, cheaper (Frank: “Well, for ten bucks, I can blow my nose in C-sharp…”) and Rochester calls Jack to remind him that Sinatra has an Oscar, which he won for the 1945 short The House I Live In:

JACK: Gee, I wonder if he’d lend it to me…
ROCHESTER: He might, if he hasn’t thrown it away…
JACK: Now why in the world would he throw an Oscar away?
ROCHESTER: Could be jealousy—it weighs more than he does…

Before Jack can get Frankie to agree to the loan of his Oscar, however—Sinatra is sucked up into a vacuum cleaner by a studio janitor. (Yeah, I thought it was pretty lame, too.) The story arc of “the stolen Oscar” would finally reach its denouement in the following week's show (May 9, 1948), by the way. As it turns out, Ronnie’s irritation at Jack’s constant borrowing forced him to hire the “crook” responsible for holding Jack up—he’s none other than the Colman’s faithful chauffeur, meaning that the statuette has been with its rightful owner all along.

"Presented each week and every week...'til it's over Over There!"

It would appear that I was perhaps a bit too hasty in posting that yesterday's Elgin Christmas Party broadcast of December 25, 1944 was the best Christmas program I’ve listened to so far this month. Now I have to ransack my vocabulary for superlatives to describe the December 25, 1945 Command Performance show I treated myself to earlier this evening.

Command Performance was once lauded as “the best wartime program in America” by Time magazine, but I think I would eliminate the “wartime” part; it is one of the best programs, period. Not too shabby for a show that many Americans weren't able to hear its first-time around—the reason being that the show was produced exclusively for “the men and women of the United States Armed Forces around the world” and broadcast over the Armed Forces Radio Service (AFRS). This star-studded variety program, featuring a glittering roster of top-name performers, debuted over AFRS on March 1, 1942, with a lineup that included Eddie Cantor, Bea Wain, Merle Oberon, and Joe Louis. The show was created by Louis G. Cowan (creator of such radio quiz show hits as The Quiz Kids and Stop the Music) at the behest of the War Department, who wanted to find a suitable format to present "American radio" to the troops overseas. Cowan decided to let the G.I. audience “choose” their own entertainment, in the form of requests—examples include a song by Frank Sinatra, a “fiddle duel” between Jack Benny and Jascha Heifetz, or even a long, lingering sigh from actress Carole Landis. Celebrities donated their time, gratis, to support the war effort and the program—and it was once estimated that the talent budget for a comparable civilian effort of Command Performance would cost $75,000 weekly.

Perhaps Command Performance’s best-known broadcast is a show that originally aired February 5, 1945; a “comic-strip operetta” entitled “Dick Tracy in B-Flat; or For Goodness Sake, Isn’t He Ever Going to Marry Tess Trueheart?” with Bing Crosby (as Dick Tracy), Dinah Shore (Tess Trueheart), Harry Von Zell (Old Judge Hooper), Jerry Colonna (Chief of Police), Bob Hope (Flat Top), Frank Morgan (Vitamin Flintheart), Jimmy Durante (Mole), Judy Garland (Snowflake), the Andrews Sisters (the Summer Sisters), Frank Sinatra (Shaky), and Cass Daley (Gravel Gertie). The show is every bit as impressive as its cast, with some first-rate parodies of then-popular songs and hilarious fluffs and ad-libs thrown in to boot.

The Christmas broadcast of December 25, 1945 is equally top-notch; in addition to appearances from Crosby, Shore, Colonna, Hope, Durante, Garland, Sinatra, and Daley the show features Mel Blanc (as Private Sad Sack), Ed Gardner (Archie from Duffy’s Tavern), Harry James, Kay Kyser, Francis Langford, Herbert Marshall, Johnny Mercer, the Pied Pipers, and Ginny Simms. (Something tells me that that $75,000, even adjusted for inflation, couldn’t even begin to put together an equally star-studded extravaganza today.) Among the highlights of this program are an insult contest between Bing and Frank (the two crooners had a mock “rivalry” at that particular point in time); a hillbilly skit set in Kansas with Hope, Crosby, Mercer, and Garland (when Judy points out to Johnny that there are no hills in Kansas he changes it to a “flatbilly” skit); and some wonderful old tunes, particularly Bing’s “On the Atcheson, Topeka and the Santa Fe” (written by Mercer) and a great “Two O’Clock Jump” by Harry James and his orchestra.

Some of my favorite bits:

BING CROSBY: But you say this is going to be a masquerade party, huh? What are you coming as, really?

BOB: I’m coming as The Thin Man…

BING: The Thin Man? Everybody’ll think you’ve got Asta under your vest-a…but still, I’m just in a dither…I don’t know how I should appear…

BOB: Well, why don’t you make up as one of your own horses…then you wouldn’t even have to show…

(snip)

BING: Are you going to Bob’s party?

DINAH SHORE: Yes, Bing, I am…as a matter of fact, Bob suggested we have a progressive party—you know, at my house we have the hors d’oeurves, turkey, cranberry sauce, dressing, vegetables, dessert, coffee, and brandy…and then we all go over to Bob’s house…

BING: What for…to burp?

(snip)

BOB: Harry, I suppose you’ll be at my party tonight…

HARRY JAMES: Well, Bob, I don’t know if I can make it…

BOB: Oh, Harry, you gotta be there…

HARRY: I don’t know…I’m awfully busy…

BOB: Harry, the party just can’t go on if you’re not there…

HARRY: Well, gee, Bob…I’d like to come…

BOB: But you must, Harry, you must…you’re my best friend, my closest companion…there’s no one I like better…please come…

HARRY: Well, I don’t know if I can…

BOB: Well, okay, if you can’t make it…send your wife…

For the Hollywood gossip-impaired, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that at the time, Mrs. Harry James also went by the name of Betty Grable.

JIMMY DURANTE: It was lucky I met you tonight, Herbert…you don’t mind if I call you by your maiden name…?

HERBERT MARSHALL: No…no, please do…

JIMMY: You know, Bob Hope is going to give a big party tonight…

HERBERT: Yes…I understand it’s going to be quite a soiree…

JIMMY: That’s all right…I’ll leave before the cops come…by the way, Mr. Marshall…you being British, and coming from a long line of Brits…makes you just the man I’m looking for…I may have a job for you…

HERBERT: A job?

JIMMY: Yes…I need a valet…

HERBERT: You mean a…?

JIMMY: Yes…I want you to be my gentlemen’s gentleman…

HERBERT: No, it won’t work…we’re short one gentleman…

(snip)

ARCHIE (Ed Gardner): Uh, Mr. Hope, I heard you’re throwin’ a Christmas party so I says to meself, I says “Archie, why don’t you help Hope out and get him some talent?” And not just plain first-rate talent, you know…

BOB HOPE: Better than that?

ARCHIE: Second-rate…

BOB: So you want to get me some entertainment for my party, eh, Archie?

ARCHIE: Yeah, for an allotment, of course…you know, you ain’t talkin’ to no bum…

BOB: We live and learn…

ARCHIE: Yeah…now, I could get you a certain person who’s in great demand at parties…

BOB: Oh, you can…well, who is he?

ARCHIE: I can get you Bing Crosby…

BOB: You mean my straight man in the movies?

ARCHIE: Yeah…the fella they all laugh at…the guy’s a very good singer, you know…quite a career this Crosby’s had…he studied for eight years before he found out he couldn’t sing and…by that time, he was too famous to quit…

(snip)

KAY KYSER: I don’t know how I’m gonna come to your party, Bob, if I can’t find a girl…

BOB: Oh, Kay, don’t worry, there’s a girl waiting for you in some nook or cranny…

CASS DALEY: Well, whaddya know? Men!!! Wahoo!!!

BOB: It’s Cass Daley!

CASS: Loooove men…!!!

KAY: Well, there’s one from the cranny…

BOB: Here’s where I kill two birds with one stone…say, Kay, you want a nice, pure girl, don’t you?

KAY: I sure do…

BOB: And Cass, you want a nice, simple fella, don’t you?

CASS: I do…

BOB: I now pronounce you pure and simple…

KAY: Oh, well…maybe we can still have fun…after all, beauty is only skin deep…

CASS: Yeah…who peeled you?

(snip)

FRANK SINATRA: So only thirteen-year-old girls like me, huh?

BOB: That’s what I hear…

FRANK: All this stuff about thirteen-year-olds and me is just plain propaganda…I know one beautiful movie star who goes for me and she isn’t thirteen, either…

BOB: Really? I didn’t know Lassie cared…

FRANK: Well, she does!

BOB: Yeah, come to think of it, Frank—why shouldn’t Lassie love you? It’s a great thrill for a dog, hearing a pile of bones sing…

FRANK (after a pause): You been talking to Crosby lately, boy?

BOB: Well, after all, Frankie—the guy works at the same studio with me, I gotta talk to him sometime…you see, he has the key to the washroom…

FRANK: I thought Crosby was behind all this…why does he insult me that way? Why, I wouldn’t hurt a fly…

BOB: Not even if you sat on one…

FRANK: Honest, Bob…I don’t know why Bing should treat me like this…why, I’ve never said anything but the nicest things about that…fat, old gentleman…

BOB: Frankie, look, this is Christmas…the time for goodwill and brotherly love…you shouldn’t call Bing a fat, old gentleman…

FRANK: Well…he’s fat, isn’t he?

BOB: Um…yes…

FRANK: He’s old, isn’t he?

BOB: Um…yes…

FRANK: He’s a gent…

BOB (cutting him off) See how wrong you are?

This is really a first-rate production, with outstanding music and some hilarious comedy (including much of the ad-libbing that was prevalent on the previous Elgin show), and concludes with some good old-fashioned Christmas caroling, courtesy of Judy Garland, Dinah Shore, Francis Langford, Ginny Simms and Der Bingle. Ken Carpenter is the announcer for the holiday proceedings. (Talk about a busy guy!)

Although the peak of Command Performance’s popularity was during wartime, the program continued on AFRS until March 14, 1950; it is estimated that there nearly a total of 400 shows and specials were produced. An attempt was made to make lightning strike twice with a civilian version of the program called Request Performance, which began over CBS Radio Sunday nights on October 7, 1945. Again, the format was similar—audiences would request personalities such as horror film star Boris Karloff performing in a comedy sketch; one request had Phil Harris and wife Alice Faye appearing together for the first time on radio, which may very well have laid the groundwork for their popular radio sitcom that began in the fall of 1946. But with only $15,000 budgeted for talent every week, the program fell short of matching the star wattage of its AFRS sister and it closed its doors April 21, 1946.

The most frequent guest star of Command Performance was Bing Crosby, who appeared on the program a total of 29 times (Bob Hope was second with 26). It’s only fitting, I guess, that Crosby also benefited in one small way from the popular program. Many of the most popular shows on the American airwaves were shipped over to AFRS during the war so that they could be heard by the troops, and sophisticated editing techniques were used to eliminate the commercials and other unnecessary references for the G.I. crowd. These early editing efforts no doubt encouraged Crosby to jump ship from NBC to ABC, where he started his own prerecorded series, Philco Radio Time.

”…that footloose and fancy-free young gentleman…”

By the time Rocky Fortune, a comedic adventure series starring singer-actor Frank Sinatra, debuted over NBC on October 6, 1953 the career of Ol’ Blue Eyes had pretty much hit rock bottom. Born in Hoboken, NJ in 1917, Sinatra had rocketed to national prominence as a singer with Harry James’ band, then as the vocalist for Tommy Dorsey’s musical aggregation. By 1943, Frank was a teenage heartthrob; making hit records, attracting a devoted fan base of “bobby-soxers,” and appearing on radio shows like Your Hit Parade and his very own Songs by Sinatra.

But by 1950, that was just mist in the memory. The bobby-sox craze had ended, and Sinatra’s public image had become tarnished by an endless parade of wives, fights and much-too-cozy relationships with gangsters. His recent films (like Double Dynamite and Meet Danny Wilson) were doing tepid box-office, and it wasn’t until a plum supporting role in From Here to Eternity (1953) that he would find his career rejuvenated.

In the meantime—well, a man’s gotta eat. Frank essayed on radio the role of one Rocky Fortune, the protagonist of a self-titled series about a jack-of-all-trades who often found himself in various misadventures while employed. If he accepted a job at a museum, he would discover a body in a sarcophagus; a truck-driving job would necessitate him hauling nitro-glycerin over bumpy roads (shades of The Wages of Fear).

I listened to two episodes of this program last night while carrying out my menial duties at work; the first broadcast, dated February 23, 1954, is entitled “The Organ Grinder.” Rocky receives a call from a pal who informs him that a former wrestler nicknamed “The Grinder” is out for revenge, because Rocky and friend provided the crucial testimony that sent the wrestler to jail, as Fortune relates to a friend on the force, Hamilton Finger:

ROCKY: I just had a call from Midge Moore…

FINGER: So? Who’s Midge Moore?

ROCKY: You remember about five years ago when there was an ex-wrestler named Carl The Grinder?

FINGER: Sure…you had something to do with sendin’ him up, didn’t ya?

ROCKY: Yeah…Midge Moore and me was comin’ home from a bar one night when we see this ape beatin’ up an old peddler, tryin’ to rob him…we yell for the cops and we testified against him at the trial…

FINGER: Wasn’t that a fourth offense?

ROCKY: Yeah, he went up for the rest of his natural…only before he went, he swore he was gonna kill three guys…Midge Moore, me, and Harry Bowman…

FINGER: Yeah, that’s right…Bowman was the assistant D.A. who sent him up…he went rotten, didn’t he?

ROCKY: Like a dead lox in a steam bath…he’s in charge of political corruption in the Fourth Ward…

FINGER: So what about this call from Midge Moore?

ROCKY: He says The Grinder called him…

FINGER: You don’t say…where from?

ROCKY: Not from the state university…

FINGER: Oh, that’s a big help…

ROCKY: You’re playin’ coy, Sarge…

FINGER: Well, yeah…as a matter of fact I am…The Grinder busted out this mornin’…we just got an APB on it a couple of minutes ago…

ROCKY: Holy Moses…

FINGER: You don’t look so good, Rock…

ROCKY: You should see me in my other suit…the one they’re gonna bury me in after Carl the Grinder gets through with me…

Rocky decides he needs to be off like a prom dress—but he stops by Midge’s place first to check on his friend; he finds him quite dead, courtesy of a broken neck supplied by “The Grinder.” On his way out, he runs into a woman named Mary—who just so happens to be Mrs. Grinder—and she warns him that Carl is looking for him; Rocky then instructs her to seek protection from the police. Arriving at his apartment, Rocky is stunned to discover a small gathering throwing a party inside—and his attempt to make a break for it is stopped by a muscular goon named Moose. Moose is working for Fourth Ward councilman Harry Bowman, who tells Fortune that the party is being held in his honor:

ROCKY: Listen, Harry…I appreciate your publicity gag but you’ll have to find another schnook…this boy’s leavin’ town and if you ain’t heard, I’d advise you to do the same thing…

HARRY: Why?

ROCKY: Carl the Grinder busted out of Dannemora Prison…he’s got a list with three names: Midge, me and you—in that order…and if you don’t think he means business, try lookin’ Midge Moore in the face…you’ll hafta stand behind him ‘cause that’s the way his head faces now…so call off the celebration and let me get my suitcase…

HARRY: Just a minute…

ROCKY: Yeah?

HARRY: You ain’t goin’ anyplace, my friend…

ROCKY: I just told you…

HARRY: You don’t have to tell me…I got a phone call from The Grinder this morning…

ROCKY: Then what’s all this jazz about? Let’s get under a rock!

HARRY: Me, maybe…but not you…

ROCKY: Listen, you moron…this bum’s loaded for bear and he don’t…hey…I think I’m beginning to get the picture…

HARRY: Yeah…smart boy…

ROCKY: I’ve been duck hunting…

HARRY: Good…then you know it takes a decoy to catch a live duck…Carl the Grinder is the live duck…

ROCKY: …and I’m the decoy…

MOOSE: He’s clever…

ROCKY: Only one thing…

HARRY: Yeah?

ROCKY: To hunt ducks, you use a wooden decoy…

HARRY: Oh, we’re out of wood…so we’re using you…

ROCKY: What happens if I get killed?

HARRY: Tough.

ROCKY: What happens if I don’t?

HARRY: I figure it this way, Rock old man…you’re next on the list…just want to make sure The Grinder finds you so I’m givin’ ya a little publicity…if he shows and kills you, my boys take care of him…in the meantime, I’m leavin’ town for a short spell…take care of him, Moose…see that he enjoys the party…so long, mallard…

Moose informs Rocky that his party is moving across town to the local firehouse for a dinner in his honor; but as the henchman is escorting him to a waiting car, he is nearly shot and killed by a photographer who just might be The Grinder. At the banquet, Rocky gives Moose the slip by duping the goon into thinking his food has been poisoned; he attempts to beat a hasty retreat but is being followed by Ivan—the Russian chauffeur that was hired to drive Rocky and crew to the firehouse. Rocky suspects the chauffeur may be The Grinder, and as Ivan chases after him, Rocky hides in one of the rooms in the firehouse where a tall fireman with a handlebar moustache assists our hero by dispatching Ivan to the happy hunting grounds:

FIREMAN: I had to hit your friend…

ROCKY: You didn’t hit him, John…you killed him…

FIREMAN: No kiddin’…I must have used the pointed end of the axe…

ROCKY: Let’s pull off that phony beard and get a look at him…

FIREMAN: Yeah…I’d like to see what Carl the Grinder looks like myself…

(SFX: tearing sounds)

ROCKY: One…two…(he stops)

FIREMAN: What’s wrong, pal?

ROCKY: Hey, this ain’t Carl the Grinder…

FIREMAN: Who is it?

ROCKY: Harry Bowman!

FIREMAN: The guy that used to be the assistant D.A.?

ROCKY: Yeah, he was usin’ me for a clay pigeon…I guess he wanted to hang on and see what happens so he put on a fake beard and a phony accent…

FIREMAN: That’s the guy that sent The Grinder up the river, ain’t it?

ROCKY: That’s the guy…now The Grinder’s only got one to go…me…

FIREMAN: You, huh?

ROCKY: Yeah…it’s too bad you cheated him out of Bowman…

FIREMAN: Oh, I didn’t cheat him, pal…I just changed the battin’ order a little…

ROCKY: Yeah, I guess you put another (realization sets in) hey…

FIREMAN: Yeah, pal?

ROCKY: Who…who are you?

FIREMAN: Let me take off the handlebars, pal (SFX: tearing) there ya are…

ROCKY: The Grinder!

GRINDER: Yeah, the Grinder! I figured since you was gonna be at the firehouse, I’d…I’d make like a fireman! I didn’t think it was gonna be this easy…

ROCKY: I didn’t think it was gonna be this hard...

GRINDER: Move back…

ROCKY: A pleasure…

GRINDER: I’m gonna do this with my bare hands, Fortune…the way I did Midge Moore!

ROCKY: You’re gonna have to catch me…

(SFX: running)

GRINDER: Shall we dance? You’re trapped, Rocky…like a rat in a corner!

(SFX: more running)

ROCKY: You wouldn’t like to sit this one out, would ya?

GRINDER: Uh uh…

ROCKY: Well, I guess there’s nothing much left to do but throw my Sunday punch (SFX: punch, pause) Must be Monday…nothin’ happened…

Just as The Grinder is about to twist Rocky’s head and neck like a childproof aspirin bottle cap, Finger arrives just in time to kill The Grinder—having been tipped off to Rocky’s plight by Mary, The Grinder’s better half.

Rocky Fortune’s scripts were penned by Ernest Kinoy and George Lefferts, two members of NBC’s writing staff who are probably better known today in OTR circles for writing/adapting many of the scripts for the network’s groundbreaking science-fiction series Dimension X (1950-51) and its sister series, X Minus One (1955-58). While I disagree with radio historian John Dunning’s analysis that the show was “undistinguished” (the series is fairly entertaining, and the writing nicely captures Sinatra’s “ring-a-ding-ding” dialogue style), I have no quibble with his assertion that Frank sounded as if he was phoning it in. (Chairman of the Bored, if you will.)

The second broadcast, “Rocket Racket” (3/23/54), is a goofy outing with Rocky being recruited as a guinea pig for an experimental rocket launch—which in actuality is an attempt by two evildoers to bilk an oil millionaire out of $5 million. (Lefferts—who wrote both “Organ Grinder” and this episode—manages to sneak in a sly reference to Dimension X.) The week after this episode, Sinatra made his final appearance as Rocky Fortune—he was now the recipient of a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role as Maggio in From Here to Eternity, and he had no place else to go but up.