“Good night, folks—see you in the fall…”

Last night at work, I finished up April’s Jack Benny project with the last CD in Radio Spirits’ Ultimate Jack Benny Collection. The first of these two broadcasts, from March 6, 1955, has Danny Kaye as Jack’s guest star, and the second is Benny’s final radio show (May 22, 1955).

In its final radio years, The Jack Benny Program still remained popular and entertaining, but the show had loss a good deal of its luster—often possessing a going-through-the-paces staleness that contrasts sharply with the late 30’s/mid 40’s broadcasts, when Jack was at the peak of his powers. Many of these later shows utilized an endless recycling of earlier scripts and gags, and new comic innovations were truly few and far between. But this is all a minor quibble—funny is funny, and in the show’s defense, its flaws are noticeable only because modern-day listeners can listen to an entire season in one sitting and delineate the repetition.

But back to the March 6, 1955 broadcast—in which Mary informs Jack’s cast that Warner Brothers has floated up a trial balloon of making a motion picture based on Benny’s life story:

JACK (haughtily): Well…hello, everybody…hello, Donald…
DON: Hello, Jack!
JACK: Hello, Dennis my lad…
DENNIS: Hello…
JACK: Mahlon…
MAHLON: Hello…
JACK: How do you do, Miss Livingstone…
MARY: Take off that monocle…
JACK: It’s not a monocle…I broke my bifocals and managed to save one focal…here, Donald—take my gloves and cane…thank kew! There…
DENNIS: Gloves and cane…oh boy, are you snooty!
MARY: Dennis, the gloves are snooty…the cane is necessary…
JACK: Go ahead, go ahead…have your little fun…but you’ll all apologize when you know what’s happened to me…
DENNIS: Oh, we know…we know…
DON: Yeah…yes, Jack…Mary told us Warner Brothers are going to make a picture about your life…
JACK: Yes, sir! The same studio that made the life of Emile Zola…the life of Louis Pasteur…the life of Mark Twain…and now, the life of Jack Benny…they’re going to trace my entire career and include everyone that’s played a part in it…
DENNIS: Gee—I hope they change the names to protect the innocent…

Jack asks Mary to go with him to “take a meeting” with studio head Jack Warner, resulting in one of my all-time favorite Benny gags, as they encounter a little resistance at the studio gate:

JACK: Hey, mister—what’s the big idea of shooting at us???
MEL: You took the space reserved for Mr. Jack Warner…
JACK: Oh, yes…he always was touchy about that…but look, fella—I’m Jack Benny, and I’ve got an appointment with…
MEL (interrupting): Jack Benny?
JACK: Yes…
MEL: The one that starred in The Horn Blows at Midnight?
JACK: That’s right…I did that for Warner Brothers fifteen years ago…did you see it?
MEL: See it? I directed it!!!

Waiting for Warner in his outer office (Benny’s real-life daughter Joan plays Warner’s secretary), Jack and Mary encounter Danny Kaye, who’s also waiting to see the studio head. Jack is seething because of Danny’s phenomenal "hat trick" with the film successes Knock On Wood (1954), White Christmas (1954), and the previewed-but-not-yet-released The Court Jester (1956, one of the funniest motion picture comedies of all time):

MARY: You know, Jack—I can’t understand it…every time somebody makes a little progress, you get sore at ‘em…
JACK: I do not…
MARY: You do, too…when Lassie got her own television show, you were so mad you bit her…
JACK (mimicking her): I bit her, I bit her…I snarled at her once, and you make a big thing out of it…

Jack’s “jealousy” towards Danny is pretty much of the manufactured variety; Benny possessed a great deal of admiration for both Kaye and his talent, almost to the point of idolatry, as Milt Josefsberg writes in The Jack Benny Show:

While Jack thought that George Burns was the greatest comedian in the world, he thought that Danny Kaye was the greatest everything in the world. He once said, “If Danny set his mind to playing golf, he’d be another Ben Hogan. If he seriously tried to be an opera singer, he’d run Enrico Caruso a close second.” And Jack was one of the first to extol Danny’s virtues as a chef in the Escoffier tradition, which is strange because Danny’s most widely known culinary coups are not French, but of the Chinese variety.

The three of them are ushered into Warner’s office, where Jack learns that the studio wants to cast Danny in the role of…Jack Benny. (Jack will play his own father.) A read-through of the script provides some priceless moments:

WARNER: Go ahead, Danny…remember, you’re asking your father for money, and you’re Jack Benny at the age of nine…
DANNY: Yes, sir… (clears throat) Papa…
JACK: Wait a minute! When I was nine years old, I could talk…now read it right…
WARNER: Go ahead, Danny…ask the old man again…
JACK: Hmm…
DANNY: Okay… (clears throat, then with Russian dialect): Poppa…poppa…could I have it four dollars for to buying a violin?
JACK: Just a minute there…what’s the idea of doing Russian?
DANNY: Well, isn’t Waukegan in Russia?
JACK: No! It’s in Illinois! Jeepers!
WARNER: Try it again, Danny…remember, you’re a little country boy…
DANNY: Okay… (as a rube) Hey, Paw…Paw…huh…can I have four, uh, dollars to buy a violin? Huh, Paw, huh???
JACK: Now stop it! Stop it! What do you think I was when I was a kid—a moron?
MARY: And besides, he outgrew it…
JACK: Yes, heavens to Betsy!
WARNER: Danny, you better try it as a city boy…
DANNY: A city boy? Okay… (Brooklynese) Hey, Pop…Pop…can I put da bite on youse for four frogskins ta buy a fiddle? C’mon, Pop—whatcha say, whatcha say?
JACK: Now cut that out!

This broadcast is an example of the extensive recycling that went on at the show during its final years—the script had been previously used for a May 28, 1944 broadcast back when Benny was still pushing Grape Nuts. (I’m a big fan of an October 19, 1952 show that also uses the “life of Jack Benny” theme, which has Jack buying the RKO studios and features real-life 20th Century-Fox mogul Darryl Zanuck as an office boy.)

The final Jack Benny radio broadcast eschews the sentimentality associated with many “final” shows—it’s pretty much a standard, business-as-usual program, though it is mentioned that it’s the last show of the season. Jack spends most of the show being continually frustrated by sound effects man Twombly, played here by Mel Blanc. (For the record, there really was an SFX artist on the show named Twombly; Gene Twombly, who was married to Benny Show supporting player Bea Benaderet.) I liked this exchange between Don, Jack and Mary at the show’s beginning:

DON: Jack’s right, Mary—he deserves a little more respect from us…after all, he’s one of the pioneers in the broadcasting industry…
JACK: You’re darn right…why, when I did my first program there were hardly any radios in the country…
DON: …and darn few people…
JACK (mimicking him) Darn few people, darn few people…plenty of people when I started…
MARY: They may have had feathers in their hair, but they were people…
JACK: Mary—if I were Jackie Gleason, you know what I’d say? “One of these days…one of these days…POW!!! Back to the May Company…”
MARY: If you were Jackie Gleason, I wouldn’t have to go back…

Many of the usual Benny stooges appear in this final broadcast, including Mr. Kitzel (Artie Auerbach) and Mabel (Sara Berner) and Gertrude (Benaderet):

MABEL: So what does he want?
GERTRUDE: He wants I should call the parking lot to let them know he’s leavin’ soon, so they can get his car ready…
MABEL: Well, ain’t he an eager beaver…what’s he in such a hurry about, to get his car?
GERTRUDE: He always does that…it takes fifteen minutes to get the boiler hot…

(snip)

MABEL: Well, you know, everybody can kid Jack about being cheap—but I happen to know he has a generous side, too…
GERTRUDE: What makes you say that?
MABEL: Well, the other night we’re havin’ dinner at the Sportsmen’s Lodge…and you know how most people only leave ten percent of the bill as a tip?
GERTRUDE: Uh-huh?
MABEL: Well, Jack insisted that I leave fifteen…

Finally, as Jack makes preparations for his summer vacation, the show’s writers manage to squeeze in one last toupee joke:

JACK: Well, Rochester—did you pack my new gray suit?
ROCHESTER: No, sir…it’s dirty…I’m gonna send it to the cleaners…
JACK: But I want to wear it tomorrow in Las Vegas…
ROCHESTER: But, boss…that gray suit doesn’t give enough contrast with your golden, curly locks…
JACK: But, Rochester, what can I do? I don’t have any other new suits…
ROCHESTER: I know, but you’ve got other locks…

The only evidence that the curtain is being rung down on an era comes briefly at the show’s end, as Jack thanks the people who make the program possible—and even then, there’s a little lemon to cut the sweetness:

JACK: Ladies and gentlemen…although this is called The Jack Benny Program, I’d like to say that its success is due to the competent people I have working with me…my wonderful cast…the great supporting players I have…my producer, my engineer, my sound man…my capable writers…my fine musicians…
DENNIS: How can you read that stuff? Doesn’t it make you sick?
JACK: Good night, folks—see you in the fall…

But alas, he did not—at least, not on radio. Though his television show would continue on for another ten years, and then multiple specials after that until his passing in 1974, Jack Benny had pretty much folded up his radio tent. The show would be heard over CBS Radio from 1956-58 in reruns, however, titled The Best of Benny and sponsored by Home Insurance Company.

“Light up a Lucky—it’s light-up time…”

I’m nearly finished with Radio Spirits’ Ultimate Jack Benny Collection, and I must say, the programs chosen for this set have all been doggone good ones. The accompanying booklet, written by none other than Anthony “Texas Tony” Tollin, is also superb—and served as an essential research tool for some of these posts. I listened to CD #19 last night at work, and while the first broadcast on the disc was great, the second was…eh…

It’s from December 12, 1954, and it features Jack preparing for a trip to his frequent vacation spot, Palm Springs. Rochester is helping him pack, but the two men are bending over backwards not to mention the trip to Jack’s parrot, Polly (voiced by the one and only Mel Blanc). They resort to spelling it out: “P-A-L-M-S-P-R-I-N-G-S,” which the fine feathered friend thinks is shorthand for “vacuum cleaner.” Of course, Polly hears a radio announcer spelling it out and the jig is pretty much up.

Polly was originally conceived as a one-shot character on the Benny broadcasts, but proved so funny and successful that the bird was added as a regular running gag. Milt Josefsberg elucidates on the origins of Polly in his book The Jack Benny Show:

At first we had the parrot saying the wildest things, but Jack, who was an excellent editor, made us cut down. He had an inviolable rule that the parrot must never say or ad-lib things it made up. It could only use words that it actually heard someone say. However, since most of the things said about Jack were insulting, there was no shortage of laugh-getting lines for Polly’s busy beak.

Tollin describes this show as “Mel Blanc’s finest hour” as Polly, but I’m sure I’ve heard funnier programs—nevertheless, there are a few good sequences in this show, beginning with this exchange between Jack and Dennis Day:

DENNIS: Oh, say, Mr. Benny—is it all right if I take my mother to Palm Springs with me?
JACK: Well…
DENNIS: She’s already bought a French bathing suit…
JACK: Your mother? That’s ridiculous…
DENNIS: Oh no, it isn’t—this morning, she tried it on and my father said she really looked French…
JACK: Really?
DENNIS: Yeah… (pause) Mr. Benny…who’s General DeGaulle?

I also liked this one with Jack and Mary, partially because it provides an amusing “boomerang,” and particularly the Strike It Rich reference:

JACK: Say, Mary…what beautiful luggage! Where’d you get it?
MARY: I bought it! Last week I got two hundred dollars on a quiz program…
JACK: No kidding…on a quiz program?
MARY: Uh-huh…I was picked out of the whole studio audience because I worked for you…
JACK: Ah ha! You see, Mary…doesn’t hurt being on my program…what question did you have to answer for them to give you two hundred dollars?
MARY: No question…they just felt sorry for me…
JACK: Hmm…
MARY: The Heart Line call was food for a month…

Later on the program, we hear the “boomerang” as an announcement on the Maxwell’s radio:

ANNOUNCER: …for our next number, we will hear the Sportsmen Quartet…we were supposed to have the Ink Spots, but we felt sorry for the Sportsmen…

Bob Crosby also makes an appearance on the program, recycling the “Waste King” joke from September 24, 1950. Crosby had landed the gig as the Benny show “bandleader” at the beginning of the 1952-53 season, replacing Phil Harris—to this day, there has been much speculation as to why Harris departed, with some arguing that it was a matter of economics and others gossiping about a feud between Phil and Jack. Harris would continue for two more years with his own sitcom with wife Alice Faye, and it was about that time that the character of “Frankie Remley” disappeared from their show, forcing actor Elliott Lewis to use his real name.

I really enjoyed the first show on this disc, however—a funny holiday-themed broadcast from December 5, 1954. In addition to his numerous stooge roles (Polly, Professor LeBlanc, etc.), Mel Blanc also had a recurring part as a department store clerk driven to distraction by Jack’s indecisiveness and penny-pinching shopping methods. He first appeared in a December 8, 1946 broadcast, and nearly eight years later, he finds himself plagued with nightmares, as he is awakened by his wife Beatrice (Bea Benaderet):

MELVYN: …that same nightmare…I always have it this time of year, Beatrice…
BEATRICE: Uh…about that blue-eyed old man that comes to the store for his Christmas shopping?
MELVYN: Yeah…only this dream was worse…I looked at his hands, and instead of fingers, he had shoelaces…on one hand, the fingernails were plastic tips…and on the other hand was metal tips…why do I always have to dream about him???
BEATRICE: Now, Mel, control yourself…maybe he won’t come into the store this year…
MELVYN: Oh, he’ll come, he’ll come…he’s been comin’ in and drivin’ me nuts for over fifteen years…
BEATRICE: Well, don’t worry about it—maybe he’s mellowed…maybe he’ll be kinder now that he’s getting old…
MELVYN: He was old fifteen years ago!!!

Sure enough, faster than you can say “L.S.M.F.T.,” Jack gets a tip that his announcer, Don Wilson, has taken up painting as a hobby—and makes tracks for the store’s art department:

JACK: Oh, clerk…clerk!!!
MELVYN: Yes, sir—what can I…urrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhh!!!! It’s you again!!!
JACK: Huh?
MELVYN: How do you find me every year??? You got radar or somethin’???
JACK: What are you talking about?
MELVYN (to himself): Gee…he doesn’t recognize me…maybe everything’s gonna be okay…
JACK: What are you mumbling about, clerk?
MELVYN: Oh, nuttin’…nuttin’… (brightening) What can I do for you, sir?

(snip)

MELVYN (to himself): Gee…he didn’t even recognize me…and he didn’t give me the least bit of trouble…in fact, he was real sweet… (singing) “Oh boy, I’m lucky…I’ll say I’m lucky…this is my lucky day…” There…there, that looks pretty… (SFX: walking) Here you are sir, that’ll be ten and a quarter, includin’ tax…
JACK: Ten and a quarter? Gee, that seems like a lot to pay for just a few paints…
MELVYN: Well, not when you consider what you’re gettin’…most people don’t mind payin’ the extra money for oil paints…they last so much longer than the watercolors…
(pause)
JACK: Oh…you have watercolors, too?
MELVYN: Me and my big stupid mouth…

Jack encounters the usual cast of stooges in this episode, from Mr. Kitzel (Artie Auerbach) to the tout (Sheldon Leonard, who does a funny Lucky Strike commercial with Benny)—but he also shares some dialogue with the show’s arranger, Mahlon Merrick, who was pretty much the real bandleader on the program. Merrick asks Jack if he can recommend a good bartender for a New Year’s bash he’s throwing:

JACK: Well, now that’s the silliest thing, Mahl—spending good money on a bartender…why don’t you get one of the boys in your band? I mean, get Frank Remley…nobody knows more about drinks than he does…
MAHLON: No, I wouldn’t try that again, Jack—he was the bartender at the last party I gave…
JACK: Well—what happened?
MAHLON: Well, the first guest to arrive walked up and ordered a scotch and soda…
JACK: Uh-huh…
MAHLON: Remley bent down…got the scotch…never came up again…

And to prove my firm belief that the characters on the Benny program were so strongly ingrained in the minds of the audience that they need not be physically present to get the big laughs, Dennis attempts to purchase a Christmas gift for his mother, assisted by a salesgirl (Veola Vonn, a.k.a. Mrs. Frank Nelson):

SALESGIRL: Well, a negligee’s always a suitable gift…now, here’s a lovely one that I’m sure would please your mother…
DENNIS: No…she wouldn’t like that one…she never wears anything with a low neckline…
SALESGIRL: Oh? Is she modest?
DENNIS: No, she’s tattooed…
SALESGIRL: Well…here’s something that might suit your mother more…
DENNIS: Gee, that looks nice…only I’d like it in a brighter color…you see, my father is always depressed, and bright colors cheer him up…
SALESGIRL: Oh…well, we have a large selection of colors…but tell me, what size does your mother wear?
DENNIS: Gee, I don’t know…but…she’s about as tall as you are…
SALESGIRL: Oh—does she have my build?
DENNIS: If she did, my father wouldn’t need cheering up…

As the episode progresses, Jack wavers back and forth between watercolors and oil paints—to the point where Melvyn the clerk has a nervous breakdown, and Beatrice agrees to take her husband’s place while he has a nice lie down. Unfortunately, her resolve proves to be no stronger when it comes to dealing with old-time radio’s most beloved skinflint, and she, too, is ready for the rubber room—complete with that wonderful Benaderet Betty Rubble-laugh. (I forget who said it, but a wag once described her laugh as one “that could shatter a picture tube.”)

“So my darling, though we’ve parted…come back to whence we’ve started…”

During the 1951-52 season of The Jack Benny Program, a running gag was introduced on the show in the form of song actually written by Jack himself. The song’s title was When You Say “I Beg Your Pardon,” Then I’ll Come Back to You, and many of that season’s shows showcased Jack’s guest stars being rooked into warbling the tune that was—as writer Milt Josefsberg commented—“as lousy as its title.” The gag culminated in a broadcast from March 23, 1952, as Jack attempted to sing his composition at the Academy Awards.

On this March 2, 1952 broadcast, a “Million Dollar Quartet” performs the song—and by that, I do not mean the famed Sun Record sessions with Elvis Presley, Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins and Johnny Cash. This quartet consists of Frank Sinatra, George Burns, Groucho Marx and Danny Kaye:

JACK: …and fellas, I wanna tell you how much I appreciate your coming over to do it…no one but real friends…real pals would give up a Sunday afternoon…just to come over here and do this wonderful song…
GEORGE: Jack?
JACK: What?
GEORGE: Shut up.

I listened to this broadcast while at work last night, and while I’m not sure if it was the East or West Coast broadcast, it was one of the most laid-back and informal shows I’ve ever heard—everyone sounds relaxed, as if they kicked back with a couple of martinis before airtime. Jack announces to Don Wilson that the show is dedicated to the formal opening of the new Tamarisk Country Club in Palm Springs, and Phil Harris (“Hey, pardon me—but does this dull twosome mind if a funny man plays through?”) makes his entrance soon after:

JACK: Say, Phil…Don and I were just talking about Tamarisk—the beautiful new golf course…since you’re such a good golfer, Phil, you’ll love it…
PHIL: Yeah, I know, Jackson…I played in the tournament out there yesterday…it is, it’s a great course…
JACK: I thought I saw you out there yesterday, Phil—you were playing with some of your musicians, weren’t you?
PHIL: No.
JACK: But I saw Remley, Sammy and Fletcher going around the course with you…
PHIL: Yeah, but they weren’t playin’…Remley was carryin’ my bag…
JACK: Well, what was Sammy doing?
PHIL: He was carryin’ Remley…
JACK: Well, what was Fletcher doing?
PHIL: He was carryin’ the stuff that made it necessary for Sammy to carry Remley…
JACK: Oh, yes…Remley is your handicap…
PHIL: He ain’t no water hazard…

Mary is nowhere to be found on this broadcast—maybe she had the night off or something…but it’s apparent that Dennis has been having a great time:

DENNIS: Friday night I went to the Chi Chi and saw Sally Rand…I never laughed so hard in my life…
(pause)
JACK (to Don): You know, Don, the weather here has been so beautiful today, I think I may…
PHIL (interrupting): Wait a minute, wait a minute…hold it…let’s go back here a minute…look, uh…
JACK: Hmm?
PHIL: Didn’t you listen to what this kid just said?
JACK: I listened to it, heard it and ignored it…
PHIL: Well, I ain’t gonna ignore it…Dennis, you went to the Chi Chi and saw Sally Rand’s act?
DENNIS: Uh-huh…
PHIL: The Sally Rand?
DENNIS: Uh-huh…
PHIL: …and when you finally saw Sally Rand’s act, you…uh…laughed?
DENNIS: Yeah—I was sittin’ up so close those fans tickled…
JACK (after a pause): Don’t look to me for sympathy, Phil…

I thought this exchange was pretty funny, too:

JACK: That was “Mistakes,” sung by Dennis Day and accompanied by Phil Harris and his Stumblin’ Tumbleweed Orchestra…and now, folks…
PHIL: Hold it, Melvin…just a minute…just slow up a minute…
JACK: Huh?
PHIL: I mean…look, I don’t mind it so much when we’re at home, but when we’re out of town let’s don’t be makin’ insultin’ remarks about the orchestra, huh?
JACK: Well, Phil—I’ve got a right to make comments about your band…after all, who’s the star of this show?
PHIL: Well, when I see my paycheck, I know it ain’t me…
JACK: Oh, stop complaining…
PHIL: I’m not complainin’, Jackson—it’s just that I’d like to pay income tax like everybody else!

After this show, I previewed a January 25, 1953 show—one that I have more than a passing familiarity with because I listened to it so frequently in my younger days when I first started collecting OTR. (The show was on a two-LP-record set released by Radiola Records in the 1970s entitled The Jack Benny Story. I didn’t learn until years later that large portions of the script had been used for an earlier—and much funnier—broadcast featuring Ronald and Benita Colman.) Jack has planned a day at the racetrack with Mary and Dennis, and while waiting for her to arrive he intercepts a phone call from the telephone company inquiring about an order to put in a second phone:

JACK (to Rochester): What’s this about you ordering a phone in your name?
ROCHESTER: Well, I figured it would be more convenient if we had two phones in the house…
JACK: But that’s silly…my phone should be enough…I talk on it very little, you can use it whenever you want to…
ROCHESTER: I know, but I thought it might be a good idea to have another phone in case of emergencies…
JACK: But why? Suppose there is an emergency, you can use my phone…
ROCHESTER: Yeah, but suppose the house is burning down and I haven’t got any change…
JACK: Gee, I never thought of that…
ROCHESTER: …and besides, I’ll be usin’ the phone a lot from now on…it’s the only way I’ll be able to talk to my girlfriend Susie…
JACK: Why, what’s wrong?
ROCHESTER: Well, her father seems to have taken a dislike to me…
JACK; But I thought you always got along so well with her family—what happened?
ROCHESTER: The other night, Susie and I were sittin’ in the dark on the sofa watchin’ television when her father came in and got awful mad…
JACK: Why should that make him mad?
ROCHESTER: They ain’t got a television set…

Mary arrives, but before she, Jack and Dennis head off to the races Jack has to make a trip to his legendary vault—one of the program’s best-remembered set pieces and first introduced January 7, 1945. Guarding the subterranean safe that contained Jack’s wealth was a man named Ed (Joseph Kearns) who, it would seem, had been watching over Jack’s fortune since the Revolutionary War. (As such, Ed was often a tad out-of-step with modern times.) Benny would open the vault (which would prompt Ed to ask something like “Shall I lie down so you can give me the ether again?”), and a cacophony consisting of sirens, bells and whistles would spew forth, ending with a solitary foghorn (“Beeeeeee-oooooooohhhhh…”). (I vividly remember seeing the summer of 1977 a rare 1960s episode of Jack’s TV show broadcast on CBS that featured the vault, and while it was funny, it couldn’t top the impression left by radio.)

At the racetrack, Jack runs into the usual cast of characters: Mel Blanc as the P.A. announcer, Frank Nelson as the surly waiter, Benny Rubin as the man in the Information booth (“I dunno.”) and Sheldon Leonard as the racetrack tout—who is actually at the racetrack:

JACK: Now, Mary…let’s look over the list of entries for the next race…I wanna see if the…
TOUT: Hey, Bud…Bud!
JACK: Huh?
TOUT: C’mere a minute…
JACK: Me?
TOUT: Yeah…
JACK: What is it?
TOUT: You gonna eat here?
JACK: Yeah…
TOUT: Which table?
JACK: Table one…
TOUT: Uh-uh…
JACK: What?
TOUT: Take number nine…
JACK: Well, look—I’m very happy with table one…
TOUT: Think it over, Bud…number one is a card table…
JACK: A card table?
TOUT: Yeah…if it carries too much weight, its legs will fold…
JACK: Gee, I never thought of that…so you think I oughta take table number nine, huh?
TOUT: Well, certainly…look at the breedin’!
JACK: The breeding?
TOUT: It’s by Birds-Eye Maple outta Grand Rapids…
JACK: Gosh, I didn’t…think they even knew each other…
TOUT: Get wise, Bud—think it over…
JACK: Look, I’m not…wait a minute! This is the first time I’ve run into you at a racetrack…why don’t you give me a tip on a horse?
TOUT: Who knows about horses?

The conclusion to this episode is a pip, and it features Gerald Mohr (The Adventures of Philip Marlowe) playing the part of CBS chairman William Paley (I must have listened to this show dozens of times and I never placed Mohr until I bought this from Radio Spirits). Jack seems so determined to bet on a horse named “Our Fancy” that both Mary and Mr. Paley are convinced Jack has some inside dope (“…if Jack is going to bet five dollars on a horse he must know something…”).

“Be Happy—Go Lucky!”

The December 3, 1950 broadcast of The Jack Benny Program recycled an earlier script (from March 11, 1945) in which Jack relates how he “found” Rochester (Eddie Anderson). (Both shows feature Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll as Amos ‘n’ Andy, as Roch was driving a cab for them at the time.) But the 1950 show contains one of the classic bloopers of the show—Mary, in attempting to say “grease rack,” turns it into “grass reek.” (The writers had quite a heyday with that little beaut on shows to follow.)

As announcer Don Wilson opens the show, we learn that Jack was up for a prestigious award honoring the greatest performer in television—which he unfortunately loses to “Mr. Television” himself, Milton Berle. So his cast attempts to cheer him up:

DON: But Jack, I still think that even though you did only one program in TV, you should have been selected as television’s greatest star…
JACK: Well, Don…
MARY: I agree with Don, Jack…not only did you look youthful and handsome, but you’re a master showman…
JACK: Oh, Mary…
DON: Why Jack, I thought your timing was absolutely…
PHIL (interrupting): Hold it, kids…I know Christmas is coming, but let’s not get panicky…
JACK: Oh, so that’s it…using flattery to get Christmas presents…Phil, I’m surprised you didn’t go along with them…
PHIL: Why should I butter you up for a lousy pair of shoelaces?
JACK: Wait a minute, Phil…I’ll admit that three years ago, I gave Don Wilson a pair of shoelaces for Christmas…but I only did that for a gag…
DON: Well, I’m ready for another gag…they broke this morning…

Next, Mary gets a phone call from her sister Babe—Babe, at least on the radio show, was a fictional man-chaser and described as not being too terribly attractive. (In real life, Mary actually did have a sister named Babe—who didn’t seem to mind being the subject of the show's barbs.) She was frequently given offbeat occupations, like "lady wrestler" and "deep sea diver":

MARY (on phone): Uh, Babe—what are you doing in California? (pause) Uh…you have to go to San Francisco…so soon? (pause) Well, it seems like they just painted that bridge…
JACK: Mary…
MARY (still on phone): Well, tell me, Babe—if you’re going to San Francisco, what are you doing here in Los Angeles? (pause) Lawsuit? (pause) You’re gonna sue Phil Harris? But why? (pause) Oh, Babe—I’m sure he doesn’t mean you when he sings about “The Thing…” (pause) Your picture’s on the music?

Phil Harris and the band treat the audience to a rendition of The Thing, a novelty tune (boom boom boom) that reached #1 on the pop charts in 1950 and 1951. It was probably the biggest hit of Harris' career, which included other great novelty hits like The Preacher and the Bear, The Darktown Poker Club, Smoke! Smoke! Smoke That Cigarette, and The Old Master Painter. His best-known song is probably his signature hit, That’s What I Like About the South—a song which became a running gag during the Benny program’s 1947-48 season. (Phil performed the song on many occasions, but I’m particularly fond of a Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show broadcast from February 12, 1950—he sings it as if it was the first time, it really cooks.) After Harris finishes the song, the Sportsmen Quartet give it the Lucky Strike commercial treatment, which is equally amusing and fun.

Jack’s flashback as to his first encounter with Rochester is prefaced by an envelope he’s received containing some questions he’s to be asked by a radio interviewer. He asks Mary to help him with a brief run-through:

MARY: Here’s the first question…tell me, Mr. Benny—where were you born?
JACK: Uh, Waukegan, Illinois…February 14, 1911…well…go ahead, Mary—ask me the next question…
MARY (long pause): Well…all right…Mr. Benny, we’ve seen many pictures of you in a sailor suit…what year did you enter the Navy?
JACK: 1917…go ahead, Mary—next question…
MARY: Uh…wait a minute, Jack…you were born in 1911 and went into the Navy in 1917?
JACK: Yes…next question…
PHIL: Now hold it, Jackson…if you were born in 1911 and went into the Navy in 1917, you would have been only six years old…
JACK: Next question, Mary…
DON: Jack, how could you possibly get into the Navy when you were only six years old?
JACK: I had a tough draft board and shut up!!!

The second broadcast, from April 15, 1951—is one of my particular favorites: Jack gets a visit from two IRS agents, Collins (Joseph Kearns) and Thompson (Will Wright), who are flabbergasted as to how the comedian could only declare seventeen dollars spent on entertainment on his 1950 tax return:

COLLINS: It’s unbelievable, Herb…unbelievable…
THOMPSON: In all the years I’ve been with the Internal Revenue Department, I’ve never come across anything like this…have you?
COLLINS: Only once…I checked over a man’s return and for that year, he only spent twenty-two dollars on entertainment…
THOMPSON: Was he in show business?
COLLINS: No, he was a prisoner at San Quentin…in solitary, yet…

The two men are particularly flummoxed by an item that indicates Jack spent $3.90 taking Ronnie and Benita Colman to the Mocaimbo (Jack helpfully points out that Mary went, too). Benny suggests that the two agents journey next door and verify the amount with the Colmans:

(SFX: door opens)
RONNIE: Yes?
THOMPSON: Are you Mr. Ronald Colman?
RONNIE: Yes, I am…
COLLINS: Well, we’re from the office of the Collector of Internal Revenue…
RONNIE: Yipe!
COLLINS: Now…now, calm down, Mr. Colman…it’s not in reference to you that we’re here…
THOMPSON: It’s, uh, concerning the income tax return of your neighbor, Jack Benny…
RONNIE (brightening): Good, good!
COLLINS: I’m afraid you don’t understand…you see, last year Mr. Benny earned $375,000…
RONNIE: $375,000?
COLLINS: Yes…and according to his return, he spent seventeen dollars on entertainment…
RONNIE: That much?
COLLINS: But, Mr. Colman—only seventeen dollars!
RONNIE: Well, why would he have to spend more? He borrows everything from us…
THOMPSON: Well, uh…we’d like to come in and talk to you…
RONNIE: Well, of course…of course…
(SFX: door closes)
BENITA (off): Who is it, Ronnie?
RONNIE: It’s two men from the income tax department…
BENITA (off): Yipe!

Colman is all too eager to help the two gentlemen out (“Now…when are you sending Mr. Benny to jail?”) and so he relates the story of how Jack managed to spend the $3.90. The four of them have been taking a turn on the dance floor, with Mary dancing with Ronnie and Jack with Benita (Jack: “I have never enjoyed waltzing so much.” Benita: “It’s a shame the band was playing a rhumba.”). Mary has to sit the next dance out (she cracks that she’s still helping out at the May Company on Saturdays) and she strikes up a conversation with Colman:

MARY: Say, Ronnie—do you mind if I ask you something personal?
RONNIE: Personal?
MARY: Yes, I keep hearing rumors that…well, that you don’t like Jack too much…
RONNIE: Well…
MARY: Oh, I know he has his faults, but…he means well…
RONNIE: Well, maybe so…but why can’t he mean well to somebody else? If it were Jack alone, it might not be so bad…but it’s those ridiculous people that are on the show with you…
MARY: What do you mean?
RONNIE: Well, that…Phil Harris person…it’s amazing the character he plays on the radio…does he carry on like that in real life?
MARY: Shall we look under the table and see?
RONNIE: Oh (laughing)…come now, Mary… (laughing) you’re making that up…
MARY: Yes, but the odds are in my favor…

Meanwhile, on the dance floor:

BENITA: Oh, Jack—wait a second! You better get your handkerchief…I accidentally smeared some lipstick on your lapel…
JACK: Oh, that’s all right—I’ll wipe it off when we get to the table…
BENITA: No, no, no…if Ronnie sees it, he’ll be terribly angry…
JACK: Oh…I didn’t know Ronnie was jealous…
BENITA: He’s not…but it’s his tuxedo…

The exchanges transcribed here just scratch the surface of a really funny broadcast—particularly when Jack once again tangles with his nemesis Frank Nelson (as a very surly waiter). The IRS plot went over so well that the Benny show writers recycled it nearly a year later (March 16, 1952), with Professor LeBlanc (Mel Blanc) the subject of inquiry by the IRS men (this time they share the same name as the actors, Kearns and Wright).

“Hiya, rube!”

As Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s Jack Benny project rolls on, we take the WABAC machine to September 24, 1950 for an episode that features another one of the show’s best-remembered routines. The opening of this particular show is kind of clever; announcer Don Wilson has started the weekly introduction but is cut off quickly by Jack:

JACK: Hold it, Don! Don, hold it! Hold it, hold it…wait a minute, Phil…hold it! Hold it! Hold it, everybody…
DON: What’s the matter, Jack?
JACK: Look, we’ll be on the air in a few minutes and the opening is still not right…now rehearse it again…
DON: But, Jack—I read the opening like I always do…
JACK: Oh, it isn’t you, Don…it’s the music!
PHIL: And what, pray tell, is wrong with the music?
JACK: The same thing, pray tell, that’s been wrong with it for fifteen years…Phil, it’s too loud…nobody can hear Don! I can tell you now, Phil—you’ll never get anywhere with that kind of blasting…
PHIL: Look, Jackson—now listen to me…I’ve got a Cadillac, a yacht and a mansion in Encino…show me one “Clair de Lune” man who can top that…
JACK: Phil, I know you have a Cadillac, a yacht and a mansion…but what did your music have to do with getting all those things?
PHIL: My band played “Here Comes the Bride”…I looked at that little blonde standing beside me, said “I do,” and they were mine, all mine…
JACK: He admits it, yet…
MARY: Jack…we’ll be on the air in a minute, so why upset yourself?
JACK: But, Mary…
MARY: Well, Phil has a lot of bad musicians and there’s nothing you can do about it…
PHIL: Wait a minute! Hold it a minute, May Company Maisie…let’s get something straightened out—what do you mean about bad musicians? For your information, Liv—my string section used to be with Whiteman and some of my boys were with Dorsey…
MARY: Well, I’m talking about the fellas who were with King…
JACK: Wayne King?
MARY: No, Waste King—they used to install them…

Sam Hearn, who was a Benny show regular during the 30s and early 40s as Schlepperman, appears in this broadcast as Benny’s friend from rural Calabasas, who heckles him from the "audience." Hearn bobbles a line that prompts a funny ad-lib from Jack: “If you hadn’t muffed that line, you’d have got a bigger laugh, too.” The show’s sketch involves a salute to California’s centennial; it’s the 100th anniversary of the state’s joining the Union (prompting Phil to remark, “That Petrillo is really on his toes, ain’t he?”)

Jack and Phil play a couple of prospectors during California’s Gold Rush in 1849, and the highlight of the sketch is the famous “Si-Sy-Sue” routine, which was used many, many times on the program. Mel Blanc would play a character (referred to by the writers as “the little Mexican”) who gave short, curt replies to Jack’s questions in such a way that often times the comedian would experience difficulty keeping a straight face. The routine doesn’t really read all that funny; it’s Blanc’s vocal intonations that give the sequence its punch. In this version, Mary gets in on the routine, too:

JACK: Hello, girlie…are you the singer in this saloon?
MARY: Si.
JACK: You sing here every night?
MARY: Si.
JACK: Are you single?
MARY: Si.
JACK: What’s your name?
MARY: Sue.
JACK: Sue?
MARY: Si.
JACK: Well, say, Sue…after your show tonight, how about goin’ out with me? We could have a lot of fun together…
MARY: Do not get fresh with me, senor…the bartender, he is my brother…
JACK: Aw, you’re kiddin’ (to bartender) Hey, bartender!
MEL: Si.
JACK: Can I talk to you a minute?
MEL: Si.
JACK: Are you her brother?
MEL: Si.
JACK: What’s your name?
MEL: Sy.
JACK: Sy?
MEL: Si.
JACK: Well, look, Sy…I wanna go out with your sister, see?
MEL: She’s Sue.
JACK: I know she’s Sue…I heard Sue say so…
MEL: What did you say, senor?
(SFX: gunshot, scream, fall to floor)
JACK (narrating): I killed Sy…it was easier than reading that line again…

The beauty of the “Si-Si-Sue” gag was its endless workability; it was used in a spoof of “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre” on May 1, 1949 and a take-off on “Wings of the Hawk” October 18, 1953. The second show (October 22, 1950) finds Jack preparing for his television debut by packing for a plane trip to New York:

JACK: Now, let’s see…I’ll be gone for twelve days…I’ll need two pairs of shorts…two shirts…two pairs of socks…two handkerchiefs…and a box of Duz…close the bag, Rochester…
ROCHESTER: Yes, sir…
MARY: Uh, wait a minute, Jack…you’re going to be gone twelve days and that’s all you’re taking?
JACK: Mary, I’m going by plane—I have to be careful about the weight…you know, they charge you extra if your luggage weighs over forty pounds…it’s seventy-nine cents a pound to New York…unless you get off at Chicago, then it’s fifty-seven cents…or Kansas City, it’s forty-six cents…
MARY: Why don’t you go to New York and send your clothes to Albuquerque?
JACK: Say, may…oh stop, will ya?
MARY: But Jack, aren’t you taking any extra suits?
JACK: Certainly! I’m taking my blue serge, my tweed, my herringbone, my pin-stripe and my gabardine…
MARY: That’s five suits…I don’t see any of them in the bag…
ROCHESTER: He’s wearin’ ‘em—they don’t weigh the passengers…

And of course, if he’s going to be in New York—there’ll be nothing but the finest in luxurious accommodations for our star:

MARY: By the way, Jack…you haven’t told me where you’ll be staying while you’re in New York…
JACK: The same place, Mary—the Acme Plaza Hotel…I always stay there…
MARY: Oh my goodness, Jack…after the long lecture I gave you last week about being cheap, why must you always stay at an awful joint like the Acme Plaza?
JACK: I’ll tell you why, Mary…for sentimental reasons…many years ago, when I was trying to get a start in vaudeville…and I had no place to stay and nothing to eat…and I couldn’t find a job…the Acme Plaza let me stay there and fed me for nothing…they did that because they knew I was unemployed…
MARY: Well…gee, Jack…I didn’t know that…if they’re that nice, next time I go to New York I’m going to stay there, too…
JACK: Okay, but…don’t tell them I’m working now…

This show is interesting because it takes many of the standard “railroad station” gags used by the Benny writers and updates them to an airport background. Jack encounters both Mr. Kitzel (Artie Auerbach) and Sheldon Leonard’s racetrack tout (“Hey Bud…Bud…c’mere…”), and of course, it wouldn’t be complete without Mel Blanc’s public address system announcements:

MEL: Flight number nineteen now loading at gate five for Anaheim, Azusa and Cuc…amonga…attention, passengers getting off at Cucamonga…watch your step, we do not stop there…

…nor would it be complete without Jack confronting his nemesis, Frank Nelson (as the airline ticket agent):

JACK: Anyway, I’m on flight number twelve…is that usually a smooth trip?
FRANK: They’re all very smooth…
JACK: Oh…then I won’t get sick?
FRANK: No—but whoever sits next to you will…
JACK: Now just a minute! I’ve taken about all I’m gonna take from you! Now give me your number—I’m gonna have you fired!!!
FRANK (upset): Oh, please…please don’t…I’m sorry I offended you…don’t get me fired…I have a big family to support…if I’m out of work, my wife and five children will starve…
JACK: Well…all right then, I won’t report you…but I’ll bet you’re just making the whole thing up…
FRANK: Oooooooooh, am I!!!
JACK: Well, that does it—I’d punch you right in the nose if I didn’t have to take off five coats…

Jack’s first TV show included Don Wilson, Rochester, Mel Blanc, the Sportsmen Quartet and “Mr. Kitzel,” with special guest star Dinah Shore. In his first television season, he did a total of two programs (talk about not wanting to get your feet wet), but the debut program had one of the best Benny lines: “I’d give a million dollars to know what I look like.”

“Holy smoke, that’s meeeeeeeeeee…”

During my formative years, I pretty much vegetated in front of a television set. This explains why many people don’t quite consider me…oh, normal is probably the best word to use, I guess. (On the other hand, I’m usually the first person called on to be a partner in Trivial Pursuit, so six of one, half a dozen of another…)

I’ve watched a lot of Warner Brothers cartoons in my lifetime. So many that I know some of them backwards and forwards, and again, that’s where that “Honey, I don’t think the Shreve is boy is normal” thing crops up again. I’m sure some of you have seen a classic Bugs Bunny cartoon called Rabbit’s Kin (1952), in which the wascally wabbit outsmarts (as if that would be hard to do) a puma named Pete (“Oh, I’ll take a whoooole lotta lumps!”) The uncredited voice of the puma belongs to the one and only Stan Freberg, but Stan cribbed it from a comedian-singer named Frank Fontaine; Fontaine got his big show business break playing a mentally-challenged guy named John L.C. Sivoney, who makes his debut in the first of two Jack Benny broadcasts I listened to last night, originally heard over CBS on April 9, 1950.

When I discuss The Jack Benny Program with fellow fans, I’m often wont to point out that the beauty of the show is that the characters are so ingrained in the minds of the listening audience, the mere mention of them or their attributes is enough generate genuine mirth. To illustrate with an example, here’s an exchange from two of Jack’s prized stooges, Mel Blanc and Sara Berner, who portray a soda jerk and waitress in a drugstore located right near the CBS studios:

MERVYN: Uh-oh…get ready for business…here comes Jack Benny and some of his cast…
FLOSSIE: Oh gee, celebrities…who are they?
MERVYN: Dennis Day, Don Wilson, Phil Harris and Jack Benny…you see? They’re startin’ across the street…
FLOSSIE: Oh, yeah…which one is Jack Benny?
MERVYN: The one who looks like he won’t make it…hey, ya better set a table for ‘em…
FLOSSIE: Okay, Mervyn…gimme four glasses of water…
MERVYN: You’ll only need three…one of ‘em never touches the stuff…

Jack leaves the drugstore, and decides to walk home—when he encounters a panhandler who asks him if he can spare a dime for a cup of coffee. The smallest thing Jack has is fifty cents, so he gives it to him. After chatting with Mr. Kitzel (Artie Auerbach)—he mentions his generosity to the beggar—he arrives home, where he can’t wait to tell Rochester of his good deed for the day as well:

JACK: Oh, say Rochester—on the way home…
ROCHESTER: Uh, excuse me, boss…I want to put these clean dishes away…
JACK: All right…Rochester, you know, on my way home…some poor fellow asked me for a dime…
ROCHESTER: Uh-huh…
JACK: …but I gave him fifty cents! (SFX: crash of dishes) Rochester, why did you drop those dishes? All I said was I gave a man fifty cents… (SFX: more dishes crashing) Rochester! You didn’t have to push that second stack off the drainboard!
ROCHESTER: I didn’t touch ‘em, they jumped off by themselves!!!

The crashing of the dishes becomes this episode’s “boomerang” gag, as Jack readies himself for bed:

JACK: “Dear diary…today, I did a wonderful thing…a needy person asked me for a dime for a cup of coffee and I gave him fifty cents…” (SFX: crash of dishes, running, door opening) Rochester, what happened in the kitchen?
ROCHESTER (off): I don’t know—I’m in bed!!!

Jack is soon fast asleep, and he dreams that a testimonial dinner is being held in his honor of his generosity, presided over by Winston Churchill and featuring tributes from James Cagney, Cary Grant and Ronald Colman. With the exception of Colman (who’s played by Dennis Day), Fontaine displays a amazing talent for mimicry by impersonating the other celebrities, and also performs a routine as Sivoney by telling those assembled that he actually took the fifty cents and bought a sweepstakes ticket. I decided not to transcribe the dialogue here, though, because it’s not the content that makes Sivoney funny, it’s the voice—which sounds vaguely like a combination of Bowery bum and a prize fighter who’s taken too many hits to the head.

Frank returns to Benny’s program on April 30, 1950—which is the second broadcast I previewed last night. He shows up at Jack’s back door looking for food and when Jack tells him there isn’t any in the house. Sivoney remarks that he could have sworn he heard someone plucking a chicken. This is a comical reference to Jack’s violin playing; Benny is scheduled to go on a promotion tour with his instrument soon, and as the shows opens, he’s anxiously awaiting the arrival of his violin teacher, Professor Andre LeBlanc. The last time Jack played his violin in public was before an audience at the London Paladium and he remarks: “I want to get my fingers back in shape.” This prompts Rochester to crack, “Why…what did they do to ‘em?” Finally, the Professor makes his appearance:

JACK: Well! Professor LeBlanc, I’ve been waiting for you…
LEBLANC: Hello, Monsieur Benny…I’m sorry that I am late…
JACK: That’s all right…have you had lunch?
LEBLANC: I never eat before I give you a lesson…
JACK: Oh…shall we go in the den?
LEBLANC: Oui…
JACK: By the way, Professor…I had new hair put on my violin bow…
LEBLANC: Is it good hair?
JACK: Oh, yes…yes, the man at the music store said it won the Kentucky Derby twice…
LEBLANC: Please…I am a violin teacher, not a straight man…

Throughout the lesson, Jack finds himself constantly interrupted by his cast: Mary, Phil, Dennis, etc. In Dennis’ case, however, it’s worth it—Day performs “The Horse Told Me” by digging into his bag of impressions: Jimmy Durante, Ronald Colman, Jerry Colonna and Bert Gordon (“The Mad Russian.”) But all this time, LeBlanc—who would rather undergo root canal than be subjected to Benny’s scraping on the violin—grows more and more impatient:

LEBLANC: Monsieur Benny…please…let us call the lesson finis…
JACK: No, no, no, Professor…I want to be perfect when I start my personal appearance tour…
LEBLANC: This tour you are making…how many places will you appear in?
JACK: Oh, twenty-one different cities…
LEBLANC: Oh, then that should take up the entire summer…
JACK: No, no, Professor…I’m going to appear only one night in each city…
LEBLANC: That I can understand…

The writers also manage to recycle an earlier joke from an April 29, 1945 broadcast—which served, coincidentally, as Professor LeBlanc’s debut—but they add a nice, new twist:

JACK: Oh…uh, tell me, Professor…do you really think you can make a great violinist out of me?
LEBLANC: Well, I think I can do something…but it will take time…how old are you?
JACK: Why?
LEBLANC: How much time have we got left?
JACK: Oh…well, look, Professor—if you don’t feel that you’re capable of teaching me the violin, why do you keep taking money from me?
LEBLANC: I feel that that in itself is an accomplishment…

The fortunes of Frank Fontaine became quite rosy after his appearances on The Jack Benny Program; although an audition program from July 1948 is in OTR circulation, his big break came in the summer of 1952, when his self-titled variety show served as a replacement for CBS Radio’s The Charlie McCarthy Show. Fontaine resurfaced in the early 1960s as well, playing a Sivoney-like character named Crazy Guggenheim on Jackie Gleason’s American Scene Magazine variety program from 1962-66. “Craze” was a denizen of the dive where Joe the Bartender (Gleason) served up drinks, and after performing a comedy sketch, would often do a musical number designed to show audiences he had a pretty impressive set of pipes. An album, Songs I Sing on the Jackie Gleason Show, lasted an entire year on the record charts and spent five weeks at number one in March of 1963.

“One lousy rehearsal—that’s all I ask

I apologize for the brief hiatus on my Jack Benny project yesterday, but I needed a day to sort of get caught up with some activities outside of Thrilling Days of Yesteryear. We (and that’s the royal “we”) resume with a broadcast from January 8, 1950, in which a spoonerism from announcer Don Wilson becomes a beaut of a “boomerang” gag later on in the broadcast:

DON: Ladies and gentlemen, 1949 is gone and forgotten—but to Jack Benny, 1950 will always be remembered—because nineteen-fifty is what he paid for his new suit…and here he is, Jack Benny!
(audience applause)
JACK: Thank you, thank you…hello again, this is Jack Benny talking—and Don, I want to ask you something…how did you know that I bought a new suit?
DON: I heard it on Dreer Pooson’s…
(loud laughter from audience)

What the portly Mr. W meant to say was, “I heard it on Drew Pearson’s broadcast.” Pearson was a political commentator and journalist famous for his column Washington Merry-Go-Round, a feature of the Baltimore Sun newspaper which began in the 1930s and continues on today, written by his protégé Jack Anderson (and Douglas Cohn). Benny has some fun at Don’s expense, ribbing him about a recent announcing award he’s won and displaying utter disbelief that Wilson muffed the line. In actuality, Wilson was one of the show’s most notorious blooper artists; Mel Blanc wrote in his autobiography that he and Bea Benaderet would often place bets on what line the announcer would screw up. One notorious boo-boo had Wilson mangling the Lucky Strike slogan “Be Happy, Go Lucky” to “Be Lucky, Go Happy”—and the bad part about this was, according to writer Milt Josefsberg, is that he “usually made them at the top of his lung capacity.” (The fluffs, however, did inspire the writers—on the next week’s broadcast, they wrote in a series of jokes that had each cast member opening the door to a room that contained Don endlessly repeating “Be Happy, Go Lucky…Be Happy, Go Lucky.”

Jack then jokes around with Phil Harris (I love Jack’s nickname for Phil, “The Bashful Blonde From Elbow Bend”—a play on the 1949 Betty Grable film comedy) and Mary Livingstone, and then receives a phone call from Rochester about a visit from the life insurance agent:

ROCHESTER: The man from the life insurance company was here about that policy you’re takin’ out and he asked me a lot of questions…
JACK: Well, I hope you answered them right…
ROCHESTER: Oh, I did…when he asked me your height, I said five-foot-ten…
JACK: Uh-huh…
ROCHESTER: …your weight, a hundred and sixty-four…
JACK: Uh-huh…
ROCHESTER: …your age, thirty-nine…
JACK: Uh-huh…
ROCHESTER: We had quite a roundtable discussion on that one…
JACK: Wait a minute, Rochester—why should there be any question about my age?
ROCHESTER: Oh, it wasn’t the question…it was the answer we had trouble with…
JACK: Oh…well, I’ll straighten that out when I see him…what other questions were there?
ROCHESTER: Well…the color of your eyes, blue…
JACK: Uh-huh…
ROCHESTER: …the color of your hair, blonde…
JACK: You told him I was a blonde?
ROCHESTER: You must be…I got the red, brown and black ones in the Bendix…
JACK: Oh, yes…what else happened?
ROCHESTER: Well…then I told him what you wanted…and he said that never in the history of the life insurance business has a policy been made out that way…
JACK: Well, didn’t you insist that I want it that way, Rochester?
ROCHESTER: Yeah, but he told me that no matter what you say, you can’t be your own beneficiary…

The second half of this broadcast showcases “Murder at Romanoff’s,” a comedy-mystery spoof that features “Prince” Michael Romanoff, “Rat Pack” restaurateur, and guest stars Frank Sinatra, Rosalind Russell and Gene Kelly. Jack is Captain O’Benny of the Beverly Hills Police, and when he’s notified of a murder at the restaurant, he and his men, O’Day and O’Wilson, arrive at the scene:

JACK: Okay, men—this is Romanoff’s restaurant…that man in that red uniform and gold braid must be the doorman…I’ll ask him (SFX: walking) pardon me, are you the doorman?
DOORMAN: Well, who do you think I am—Dreer Pooson?

It’s one of the loudest and longest laughs in the history of the Benny program (I clocked it at 25 seconds)—but the story behind the laugh line is a fascinating one. The doorman—played by Benny nemesis Frank Nelson—was originally supposed to say: “Well, who do you think I am—Nelson Eddy?” (The Nelson Eddy joke is a reference to the singer-actor’s role as a Canadian Mountie alongside Jeanette McDonald in the 1936 film Rose-Marie.) Milt Josefsberg picks up the story in the book The Jack Benny Show:

The new answer not only undid Jack, but it had the same hysterical effect on the cast, crew, and musicians, all of whom had heard Frank rehearse the regular written line about “Nelson Eddy” and all of them thought “Dreer Pooson” was an ad-lib on his part.

What actually happened was that when Don made his fluff the writers, listening to the program’s proceedings in the control booth, got the happy idea of changing Frank’s line. We quickly motioned to him where he was sitting on stage waiting his turn. We got him into the booth, suggested our change, and he immediately penciled in our new line.

In listening to this show, considered by many to be one of Jack’s funniest, you can see that the “Dreer Pooson” fluff was contagious—Mary muffs one of her lines, and the Sportsman Quartet misses an important sound cue. All Jack can do is ad-lib: “One lousy rehearsal—that’s all I ask…”

In the second of two Benny broadcasts, originally heard over CBS February 12, 1950, Jack is broadcasting from New York, having spent two weeks there. Many of the New York broadcasts often found him staying at the mythical Acme Plaza Hotel, a seedy dive that apparently had Jack’s accommodations below street level. (In this broadcast, Jack and Mary are surprised by Don’s sudden appearance, but it’s not intentional on the announcer’s part—he just happened to fall down an open manhole...) Jack is awakened at 4:00 in the afternoon (his room has no window, so he lost track of the time) and gets a phone call in the hall from Phil:

PHIL: Hiya, Jackson! It’s about time you answered!
JACK: Oh, hello, Phil…did you have any trouble getting this hotel?
PHIL: No, I just dialed BO-7236 and Airwick answered…
JACK: Now cut that out…what’d you call for, anyway?
PHIL: Well, look…we’ll soon be going back to California and I wanted to know if it’s all right with you if Alice and I stopped off at Niagara Falls for a few days…you know, that’s the place to go for a honeymoon…
JACK: But, Phil—you and Alice were married eight years ago…didn’t you go on a honeymoon then?
PHIL: Yeah, but this time we’d like to go without Remley…
JACK: Phil…you took Remley on your honeymoon?
PHIL: Didn’t know it ‘til we got there—somebody tied him to the back of the car…

Then Mary drops in to pay Jack a visit:

JACK: Mary, when you said you’d come right over to this hotel, I wasn’t sure that you would…
MARY: Well, I have a confession to make…I only came out here out of curiosity…
JACK: Oh…
MARY: …and Jack, this Acme Plaza Hotel certainly is different…
JACK: What do you mean, different?
MARY: Well, I waited in the lobby…I asked the clerk for your room and he said it was six floors down…
JACK: All right, so you had to take the elevator…
MARY: Some elevator…they lowered me in a bucket…
JACK: Mary…
MARY: …they got a picture of John L. Lewis in the lobby…
JACK: Mary…
MARY: …some of the bellboys are on a three-day week…
JACK: Oh, stop! Be happy you found the place…you have any trouble?
MARY: No, I was lucky…I got in a cab and said, “Driver, do you know where the Acme Plaza is?” and he said, “Yes, ma’am…I used to live there when I was out of work…”

Since the Sportsmen didn’t make the trip with Jack and his cast (come to think of it, neither did Dennis Day—perhaps he couldn’t get the time off from his other show), the Ink Spots reprise their Lucky Strike commercial parody from April 4, 1948 to the tune of “If I Didn’t Care.” But the real treat on this program is the second half, which salutes the “Allen’s Alley” segment of The Fred Allen Show; on this broadcast, Jack imitates Fred (with a clothespin on his nose) and Mary takes on the role of Portland Hoffa. (Allen was one of the few people Benny actually tried to imitate, usually with hilarious results—one of the classic Benny programs comes from February 8, 1948, in which Jack’s take-off on the film Nightmare Alley ends with a riotous spoof of “Allen’s Alley,”) But Jack and Mary are joined by three Fred Allen Show alumni: Kenny Delmar (as Senator Claghorn), Parker Fennelly (Titus Moody) and Peter Donald (Ajax Cassidy). The fourth member of the Alley is a surprise appearance from Mr. Kitzel (Artie Auerbach), who knows it’s Jack impersonating Fred: “With those blue eyes, you didn’t fool me for one second.”

Paley’s Comic

From January 2, 1949:

DENNIS: Oh, you know, Mr. Benny? Charlie McCarthy starts on CBS today, too…
JACK: No…no, Dennis…now don’t get mixed up…I’m the only one who’s starting today…not Charlie McCarthy…
DENNIS: Well, that’s funny…I heard the doorman say to somebody, “We’ve got that dummy over here now…”

The above exchange is from the first of two Jack Benny Program episodes I listened to last night at work, and the broadcast marks the premiere show that Benny did over CBS Radio. The comedian, a longtime fixture at NBC, had been lured to the network through the machinations of CBS chairman William S. Paley—he had convinced Benny that by selling Amusement Enterprises (Jack’s production company) to CBS, the comedian’s earnings would be taxed at a much lower capital gains rate. Paley made similar pitches to several other NBC stars as well: Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll (Amos ‘n’ Andy), George Burns and Gracie Allen, Edgar Bergen and Red Skelton. These “talent raids” resulted not only in a shoring up of CBS’ prominence in radio (the network soon after featured the slogan “CBS, the stars’ address”) but benefited the network greatly in getting a leg-up into television as well.

This very funny Benny broadcast finds Jack a nervous Nellie, as he’s on his way to his new CBS digs with Mary and Rochester:

ROCHESTER: He’s been a nervous wreck all week, Miz Livingstone…last night he didn’t sleep a wink…he just kept tossing and turning and whimpering like a baby…
MARY: Well, wasn’t there anything you could do for him?
ROCHESTER: I tried everything…I even threw him over my shoulder and burped him twice…
JACK: Oh, Rochester…stop exaggerating…
ROCHESTER: I’m not exaggeratin’, boss…you’ve even been talkin’ in your sleep…
MARY: Talking in his sleep?
ROCHESTER: Yeah…Miz Livingstone, who is William Paley?
MARY: Uh…William Paley’s the head of the Columbia Broadcasting System…why?
ROCHESTER: He has now replaced Hedy Lamarr in Mr. Benny’s dreams…

Arriving at CBS, Jack and Mary bump into Amos ‘n’ Andy in the hallway, and the boys (who were the first to arrive at CBS, in October 1948) wish them the best of luck. (Amos remarks to Andy that even though Benny is a big-time comedian he didn’t say anything funny, prompting Andy to point out that “he ain’t nothin’ without Rochester.”) Jack also decides to take the opportunity to set bandleader Phil Harris straight, seeing as how they’re on a new network and all:

PHIL: Hiya, Jackson! Welcome to Petrillo’s “Inner Sanctum”…
JACK: Look, Phil…Phil, I wanna talk to you…
PHIL: Me?
JACK: Yeah, now…lookit…here it is a new year…we’re starting on a new network…so, Phil…you’ve got to do something about your musicians…
PHIL: Why? What’s wrong with my lads?
JACK: Look, Phil…look…I don’t expect them to wear full-dress suits…I don’t even want to them wear coats or jackets…but for the love of heaven, why don’t they wear ties???
PHIL: Well, Jackson—most of these boys are out on parole, and they don’t want nothin’ ‘round their neck with a knot in it…

One of the highlights of this program is the Lucky Strike commercial, a parody sung to the Frank Loesser-penned Slow Boat to China—Jack sings along with the Sportsmen on this one. (Later, at the show’s close, Jack and Mary do a reprise, singing about CBS’ Sunday night line-up—which consists of Spike Jones, Benny, Amos ‘n’ Andy, The Adventures of Sam Spade and Life With Luigi.) But throughout the show, Jack has been most anxious to meet with chairman Paley, and just before they go “on the air,” he gets a visit from Don Thornberg, the head of the Western Division of CBS:

THORNBERG: Well, I understand you’ve been looking for Mr. Paley…
JACK: Yes…yes, I have…uh…where…where is he?
THORNBERG: Well, Mr. Paley is in New York…he only comes out on urgent business…
JACK: Well, this is…this is rather important, Mr. Thornberg…but…perhaps you can help me, huh?
THORNBERG: Well, I hope so—what is it?
JACK: Well…well…
THORNBERG: Yes, Mr. Benny—what is it?
JACK: Well…do you have the authority to validate my parking lot ticket?

Shortly after this broadcast, rumors began to run rampant in the press that this joke had some basis in reality, and that it was the reason why Benny had decided to leave NBC. Nothing could be further from the truth. Jack was, in fact, very amenable to staying with his longtime network—but the National Broadcasting Company, in its negotiations with the comedian, committed a devastating blunder by allowing an attorney named John Cahill to participate in the proceedings. Cahill was a former U.S. Attorney who had been the prosecutor in a headline-making court case in which Jack and George Burns were accused in 1939 of smuggling jewelry into the United States upon returning home from a European vacation with their wives. Benny held a longstanding grudge against Cahill, whom he felt “persecuted rather than prosecuted me.” With this incident in his background, why NBC would allow Cahill such an active role in the negotiations has never been fully explained, but it was definitely the deal-breaker.

The second show, originally broadcast over CBS September 11, 1949, is another legendary Jack Benny broadcast, which kicks off with a free sightseeing bus tour through Beverly Hills:

DRIVER: And now, folks, across the street to the left, I want you to look at that house nestled among the palm trees…it’s the home of Mr. Orson Welles…this house was conceived, designed, constructed, decorated and furnished by Mr. Welles…the trees grew by themselves…

The bus driver (Frank Nelson) also takes ample time to point out the homes of the stars along the route, particularly in the case of Mary Livingstone:

PAULINE: Oh gosh, Miss Livingstone—you must be pretty excited about going back on the air today…
MARY: Oh, I am, Pauline…it’ll be nice seeing the whole gang again after such a long vacation…
PAULINE: Oh…didn’t you see any of them during the summer?
MARY: Only Mr. Benny…I saw him regularly…
PAULINE: Oh, well…that’s nice…how often did you see Mr. Benny?
MARY: Once a month…when he came for the rent…
PAULINE: Oh…
MARY: We used to sit around and play gin rummy, checkers, ping pong, badminton…
PAULINE: Oh, then it was a social visit, too…
MARY: No…he always stayed until my check cleared the bank…

Before Mary leaves for the studio, Pauline (Doris Singleton) asks her to give Phil Harris a kiss for her. It seems the man-crazy domestic is carrying a torch for the Benny Show bandleader; the night before she even dreamed that she was married to Phil. When Mary asks how Phil’s real wife, Alice Faye, fits into the picture, Pauline cracks, “She was our maid,” and adds, “through the courtesy of 20th Century-Fox.”

Continuing on with the tour, the driver then points out to the passengers the residence of Dennis Day:

VERNA: Now, Dennis…don’t forget what I told you…this season, I want you to get your check from Mr. Benny immediately after each program…
DENNIS: Oh, Mother…I don’t have to do that, I can trust Mr. Benny…
VERNA: Hmmph…I wouldn’t trust that man as far as I threw your father last night…and Dennis—this year, insist that Mr. Benny pay you in American money…there’s no reason why you should have to go to Tijuana each week to cash your check…do you understand?
DENNIS: Oh, si, senor…but Mother, you shouldn’t talk about Mr. Benny like that…he’s one of the best friends I got…
VERNA: Some friend…what has he ever done for you?
DENNIS: Well, what about last year when I had to have that operation and I couldn’t afford it? Didn’t Mr. Benny come to my rescue?
VERNA: Mmm…yes…but I still think you took a chance letting Rochester take out your appendix…

The bus rumbles on, with stops at Phil Harris’ house (Phil commits a beauty of a fluff on one of his lines) and the home of the Sportsmen Quartet, who rehearse the week’s Lucky Strike commercial with announcer Don Wilson, a parody of Hello Beautiful. The group even gets a glimpse of Jack’s residence, and Rochester is on the phone with girlfriend Susie, asking if she’ll go out with him that night:

SUSIE: Yeah, but don’t you have to get dinner for Mr. Benny?
ROCHESTER: No, no…not tonight…you see, this is his opening broadcast…and after the show, he’ll probably take the cast to the Brown Derby for a big…
SUSIE: Rochester? Why’d you stop talkin’?
ROCHESTER: The more I said, the sillier it sounded…

The bus has made its way out of Beverly Hills and into downtown Hollywood. At the program’s 22:15 mark, the driver points out to the passengers the studios of the Columbia Broadcasting System—prompting Jack to remark: “This is where I get off, driver…” (This gets a nearly twenty-second reaction from a clearly convulsed audience.) After this broadcast, Benny received a personal phone call from CBS chairman Paley, who wanted to know how the comedian had “the guts to do such a thing on the opening show of a new season?” It should have been obvious to Paley that Jack’s success stemmed not from telling jokes, but by willing to be the joke. As Benny once remarked, “It’s not important who gets the laugh. When people talk about the show the next day, they won’t remember who delivered the punch line. All they’ll recall is that The Jack Benny Show was funny last night.” And through the magic of old-time radio, it still is.