“That’s what I like about the South…”

I’m sure it hasn’t gone by without casual notice that in most of my write-ups on the Ultimate Jack Benny Collection CDs, I kind of gravitate toward the jokes involving Phil Harris and/or his musicians. I fully confess my bias here; I think Harris was an incredible talent—his timing was peerless, often matching that of his celebrated “boss,” Jack Benny, and though his character of a flashy, egotistical, hard-drinking playboy would no doubt be intolerable in real life, he infused it with a certain charm and lovability.

Phil received a spin-off in 1946 with The Fitch Bandwagon, and for two years—starring with his actress-singer wife, Alice Faye—it followed The Jack Benny Program and was a monster hit. In the fall of 1948, the program was retitled The Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show (sponsored by Rexall Drugs), but soon its largess of following Benny would dissipate—Jack moved to CBS in January 1949, and Harris & Faye found themselves competing in a time slot against Amos ‘n’ Andy. Fortunately, the show managed to stick around until 1954, and it stands out today as one of the all-time great sitcoms—with superb supporting talent and a wisecracking, sarcastic sensibility about it that makes it very accessible to modern-day audiences.

The only problem with Harris’ show is that the qualities he so flagrantly flaunted on the Benny program were sort of toned down on his own series; since he was married with children, I guess the decision was made that the Harris of Jack Benny Show fame probably should be made a better role model. Again, a solution to this came in the form of introducing Frankie Remley, Phil’s left-handed guitarist in his band, to the proceedings. Frank Remley was an actual member of Harris’ group, and though he was often referred to and joked about on Benny’s program, his fictional exploits were acted out on a weekly basis by radio’s Renaissance man himself, Elliott Lewis.

I listened to a couple of shows last night, the first from January 16, 1949. Phil is upset that the Benny Goodman and Guy Lombardo bands have been invited to play at Truman’s inaugural ball—and he’s been left out:

ALICE: Phil, maybe the President doesn’t like the way your musicians play…
PHIL: And what’s wrong with the way my musicians play?
ALICE: Well, first of all…sit down, Father—this is going to take a little time…you see, in the first place…
PHIL: Never mind, never mind…there ain’t nothin’ wrong with my band…my boys are good musicians and they’re a fine, representative group…
ALICE: Yes—but what do they represent? I don’t think they’d fit in with the surroundings of the President’s ball…they’re the strangest-looking group I’ve ever seen…
PHIL: What are you talkin’ about? They’re a fine-lookin’ bunch of men, and terrific musicians…when I formed my band, I imported my boys from all over the world…
ALICE: I know, I know…Frank Buck brought back four of them…
PHIL: That is a base canard…those guys would be right at home in Washington…I bet you wouldn’t be able to tell ‘em from the diplomats…
ALICE: Phil, this is going to be a formal affair, and your boys would have to dress…
PHIL: They’d be willin’ to dress…
ALICE: Do they have tails?
PHIL: A few of ‘em have, but if they wear long trousers (audience laughter and applause drowns him out, he then ad-libs) I wanted to stop there…I wanted to stop…

Some of the ad-libbing on the Harris-Faye show could be both funny and wild; earlier on Alice mispronounces “Indonesia” as “Indonosia,” prompting Phil to suggest that the two of them switch parts. Meanwhile, Phil’s feeling pretty dejected at being left out, and when Frankie comes by, he suggests that Phil call the White House and sweet-talk his way into being invited. Frankie also comes up with the brainstorm that Phil pose as a “nuclear physicist” who’s working on an “atomic bomb”—which leads to a call from an FBI agent (played by Frank Lovejoy, who intones “This is your FBI…”). Phil’s nemesis, grocery boy Julius Abbruzio (Walter Tetley), torments Phil by talking on the extension and calling him “comrade” and Lovejoy a “Cossack.”

At the end of this broadcast, Harris breaks in with the news from a “telegram” that invited him, Alice and the band to play at the inaugural ball—and from the way Phil announces it, he’s pretty convincing in conveying that it’s all spontaneous. However, I learned sometime back via a phone conversation with Terry Salomonson that there was nothing spontaneous about it—Terry has the Harris-Faye show scripts, and the announcement is right there in black-and-white. (Terry is currently at work on restoring all of the Harris-Faye shows, having obtained the transcriptions from their estate some time ago.)

The second show is from the following week (January 23), and features Phil and the family in Washington, D.C.:

PHIL: What do you kids mean, you ain’t excited? This is a great honor! It ain’t everybody that gets invited to the President’s inaugereal…
ALICE: Phil…Phil, the word is inaugural…
PHIL: I’m usin’ the past imperfect gender…no, you kids oughta be thrilled about visiting the capital of the United States…
LITTLE ALICE: Why?
PHIL: Why? Why, Washington is famous for its historical landmarks…where else can you see the Smithsonian Institute, the White House, the Lincoln Memorial, Grant’s Tomb and the George Washington Bridge?
ALICE: Not to mention the Sphinx and the Eiffel Tower…
PHIL: Honey, look—you’re confused…please…them are the places we saw in London…now, let me educate the children and you keep working on “Indonosia”…

As a member of the band, Frankie has come along for the ride—but he’s upset and jealous of the fact that he won’t be allowed to attend the inaugural ball. He manages to sabotage Phil’s dress suit and so the two of them decide to sneak into Phil’s brother-in-law Willie’s room to steal his:

FRANKIE: Hey, Curly—are you sure this is Willie’s room?
PHIL: Certainly, can’t you tell? He would have it locked…
FRANKIE: I feel awful silly climbing in through the transom…
PHIL: Get up there…and quiet!!! Quiet, now…all right, all together let’s…jump down into the room…
FRANKIE: Here we go…
(SFX: bodies drop to floor)
FRED: Well, what these Republicans won’t do to get a room in Washington…
PHIL: Hey, it’s Fred Allen!
(Audience applause)
FRED: Well, if it isn’t Phil “Don’t put an olive in it, it soaks up the good stuff” Harris…Phil, what is the idea of coming into my room through the transom?
PHIL: Well, I’m sorry, Fred…
FRED: …I don’t mind you being a little high, but this is ridiculous…tell me, Phil—what are you doing in Washington?
PHIL: I was invited to the inaugereal ball…
FRED: Oh…the inaugereal ball, huh…an “r” left over from the oyster season? Tell me, how are things in California, Phil?
PHIL: Ah, they’re great, Fred, great…hey! That reminds me, the old man sent his regards…
FRED: The, uh, old man???
PHIL: Yeah…Jackson…you know, Jack Benny!
FRED: Oh—is he still alive? Oh, that’s right…of course, he is…I remember reading about the new business he started during the snowstorm out in Beverly Hills…
PHIL: What business?
FRED: Well, Benny was putting butter on snowballs and selling for oranges out there…
PHIL (laughing) Hey, that’s terrific, Fred…you’ve got a sensational sense of humor…
FRED: You think so really?
PHIL: …hasn’t he, Frankie?
FRANKIE: I can take him or leave him…
FRED: Phil…Phil, who is this Good Humor man with the pistachio expression?
PHIL: Well, Fred—don’t you know who this is?
FRED: No, but there are only two kinds of people who look like that, Phil…those with sour stomachs and sponsors…
PHIL: No, no, no, Fred—this is Frankie Remley…
FRED: Oh…how are ya, Frankie?
FRANKIE: Oh, I’m all right—but what’s the matter with you?
FRED: Well…nothing’s the matter with me…why?
FRANKIE: Are those bags under your eyes or are you breaking in a saddle for Roy Rogers?

If you’re wondering, “Gee, Iv—is this one of your favorite Harris-Faye shows because it features your comedy hero, Fred Allen?” then you’re definitely no stranger to this blog. Sadly, five months later Allen would throw in the towel on his own show—leaving a definite void in radio comedy.

“Hmmmmmm…”

As I continued with this month’s Jack Benny project, I listened to a pair of 1946 programs earlier on today, starting with the inaugural broadcast of the 1946-47 season from September 26, 1946. The show introduces several running gags that would be repeated in subsequent shows, the best-known of which was the introduction of Jack’s new vocal group, The Sportsmen Quartet.

Benny and announcer Don Wilson had a long history of ribbing the show’s sponsor, and the Quartet was hired to perform singing commercials for Jack’s benefactor, Lucky Strike. Benny fans are no doubt aware that the American Tobacco Company’s spots had a tendency to be loud, repetitive and obnoxious, so the introduction of the Sportsmen in a series of commercials (often musical parodies like Shortnin’ Bread and Slow Boat to China) added a dose of much-needed levity to the Jack Benny Program broadcasts. They also became part of a continuing story arc on the program, as Jack would become increasingly exasperated (“Wait a minute…wait a minute…wait a minute…wait a minute!!!”) with them, lending itself to a sort of mock “feud.” Later, Jack would fire the group—one hilarious broadcast (March 16, 1947) has him trying to hire a “new” quartet which consists of the show’s tenor vocalist, Dennis Day, and guest stars Andy Russell, Dick Haymes and Bing Crosby.

For the record, the Sportsmen consisted of five members, only they rotated from week-to-week. They were Marty Spurzel, Bill Days, Max Smith, John Rorig and Thurl Ravenscroft—Ravenscroft achieved a little immortality of his own as the voice of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes mascot Tony the Tiger. According to the show’s producer, Hilliard Marks, “I thought I had allowed enough times for laughs, but I had not anticipated the prolonged reaction [that] the Quartet received from the studio audience.” This is indeed so, as the program is cut off in the middle of a closing routine with Jack and NBC telephone operator Mabel (Sara Berner).

Another running gag introduced on this broadcast is the news that cast members Phil Harris and Dennis Day have landed their own spin-off shows:

DON: Say, Mary…Mary, are you glad to be back on the program again?
MARY: I sure am…
JACK: I am, too—but you know, Mary, I must admit I’m a little nervous about the opening show…
MARY: Jack, if you think you’re nervous, what about Phil Harris? He has two opening shows today…
JACK: Well, as a rule I’m not… (long pause) what? What did you say?
MARY: Phil has two opening shows, yours and The Fitch Bandwagon…he has his own program…
JACK: Phil has his own program? Gee, I didn’t know that…hmm…that’s gratitude for you…the least he could have done is let me know…could have dropped me a postcard…
MARY: Called you up…
JACK: No, my phone’s disconnected during the summer…hmm…his own program…Phil…gosh, Mary—what can Phil do for a full half-hour?
MARY: I don’t know, but if he adds two more choruses to “That’s What I Like About the South,” he’s in…
JACK: I can’t get over it…so Phil has his own program…
MARY: Do you mind?
JACK: Of course not…I like to see people get ahead…I want everyone to be a success…in fact, I’d even like to see Dennis Day get his own show…
MARY: He has…
JACK (exploding): What??? Mary, did I hear you correctly?
MARY: If that thing in your ear is connected, you did…

Jack’s radio persona suggests forest green envy at both Harris and Day’s solo efforts, but the truth is that he was strongly supportive, particularly in the case of Harris’ The Fitch Bandwagon (which became The Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show under sponsor Rexall Drugs in 1948). Phil’s program followed the Benny show at 7:30pm on Sunday nights, and so in order to allow Harris to “warm up” for his own show Jack instructed his writers to feature Phil only in the first half of his show.

PHIL: Hiya Jackson! Hello, folks—don’t feel low…you’ll soon hear Harris on his very own show! And hallelujah! (as the audience applauds) Lay that beautiful launch program applause on me…make me know it, make me know it…
JACK: Phil! Phil, Mary told me all about it…and I’d like to have a little talk with you about your own show…
PHIL: Sorry, Jack…I ain’t usin’ no stooges…
JACK: I don’t want to talk to you about that…yet…I only want to know one thing…you’ve been with me for nine years…why did you go out and take another show?
PHIL (in the style of the “L.S.M.F.T.” chant): M-O…N-E-Y…M-O…N-E-Y…
JACK: So that’s why, eh…well, that’s the trouble with you, Phil—all you think about is money…women and money…
PHIL: Well, I don’t know of a better parlay—do you, Bub?

Dennis arrives late for the program (it is explained that he’s rehearsing for his new Thursday night show for Colgate), and so Jack reads him a similar riot act:

JACK: Listen, Dennis—there’s something I want to talk to you about…why did you go out and get your own program without consulting me?
DENNIS: Well…
JACK: …and after I’ve done for you…I found you when you were just a kid…I groomed you for radio…I gave you your big chance…I let you sing on the air, every Sunday…I’ve been doing this for you kid, for—for eight years…now why did you go out and take another show?
DENNIS: I was hungry…

On later broadcasts—if time permitted—Benny would plug both Harris and Day’s programs, though after Jack moved to CBS in January 1949 he was strangely silent on the Harris-Faye show while continuing to promote A Day in the Life of Dennis Day. This could be due to the fact that while Benny was now on CBS, Phil and Alice remained at NBC—and CBS probably wasn’t too enthused at the thought of listeners switching over after Jack’s program, particularly since the popular Amos ‘n’ Andy followed at 7:30pm.

JACK: Fine season I’m gonna have…Phil’s got his own show, Dennis has his own show…I don’t know why they had to go out and get their own programs, anyway…
MARY: But, Jack—what are you so mad at them for? Don Wilson has four shows, and you’re not mad at him…
JACK: He pays me commission…

The second show I previewed, originally heard over NBC Radio October 20, 1946, showcases a hilarious spoof of the hit radio mystery radio program The Whistler. I’ve often marveled at how a program that was broadcast for West Coast listeners managed to achieve both notoriety and appeal nationwide as well. For example, Columbia Pictures produced a series of eight B-noirs based on the show from 1944-48, all save the last entry starring Richard Dix. Famed horror director-producer William Castle worked on these movies (The Whistler, The Mark of the Whistler) earlier in his career; some would argue (like myself) that they represent some of his best work.

But what makes the October 20 broadcast interesting is the participation of the real Whistler, actor-announcer Bill Forman. Benny scribe George Balzer explains:

I was chosen to play the role since I could do the whistle. Right before the broadcast, I ran into [Whistler star] Bill Forman in the hallway, and suggested to Jack that we hire radio’s real Whistler to do his famous opening on our show, since Forman was willing to do the part for scale and it wouldn’t cost any more than having me do it. We didn’t know that Forman didn’t do the whistling himself on his show, so I ended up doing the Whistler anyway and Jack had to pay both of us.

Jack and the gang do a splendid job with the spoof, retitled “The Fiddler” (Jack: “I am the Fiddler…I play by night…they won’t let me play in the daytime…”). Mary and Dennis play Gwendolyn and Griffith Park (groan), a married couple whose relationship will soon be shattered since Gwen is fooling around with Griffith’s pal Kilroy (played by Phil):

MARY: Gee, Kilroy—you and I could be so happy together…if it wasn’t for my husband…
JACK (filter mike): Ah, now you’re on the right track…well…go ahead, why don’t you kill your husband!!!
MARY: Kilroy! I just got an idea!
PHIL: So did I!
BOTH: Let’s kill Griffith!
MARY: It must be love, we said it together…
JACK (filter mike): That’s it! That’s it! Now we’re getting somewhere…go ahead…go ahead, kill him!
PHIL: Gwendolyn…I know just how to kill your husband…we’ll take him down to Union Station and throw him under the wheels of a passing train…
MARY: But at Union Station, all those people will see us!
PHIL: So what? They’ll think it’s a stunt for Truth or Consequences!
JACK (filter mike): Sure…you can get away with it…and you’ll get a box of Duz besides…

Jack and his writers revived “The Fiddler” on his February 26, 1950 broadcast, which probably made more sense since both shows were on CBS by this time (trying to goad Dennis into killing his wife, Jack cracks: “Hurry up…or we’ll be in the middle of Amos ‘n’ Andy…”), and the spoof also turned up on one of Jack’s television shows. To tie up all the loose ends, I should also point out that the announcer on Phil Harris and Alice Faye’s program from 1948-54 was none other than the Whistler himself, Bill Forman.

”Good health to all from Rexall!”

One of the interesting tidbits that I came across in Chuck Schaden’s latest book, Speaking of Radio, was an interview with Alice Faye who—along with her bandleader husband Phil Harris—starred in one of old-time radio’s most hilarious sitcoms, The Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show. Faye reveals to Schaden that during the show’s run: “I wasn’t too happy, but I enjoyed it.”

I didn’t particularly like to work with my husband. I don’t believe in wives and husbands working together, but that’s just my opinion. I worked with him, but we didn’t hit it off too well while we were working together. He’s a little rough.

Since Harris and Faye’s comedy show is among my personal favorites, I was genuinely surprised to learn this—but at the same time, I can sort of understand why she felt this way. The Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show really should have been called “The Phil Harris-Frankie Remley Show”, since Alice was usually shut out of the program's shenanigans, forced to play straight-woman to her husband and his left-handed guitarist sidekick.

Phil Harris had been appearing on The Jack Benny Program since 1936 as the show’s bandleader, but his comedic talents and timing are what really made him a mainstay. His brash, obnoxious personality—a flashy, vain Southerner who loved fast cars, fast booze, and fast women—provided a hysterical counterpoint to the Benny character, who liked to think of himself as a ladies’ man although the reality was very much the opposite. Harris had married actress-singer Alice Faye in 1941—Faye was a major motion picture star who specialized in musicals, and many of the films she had made for 20th Century-Fox (On the Avenue, Alexander’s Ragtime Band) were huge hits at the box-office.

In 1946, Harris was offered his own program on Sunday nights, in the prime time-slot after Jack Benny and before Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy. The F.W. Fitch Shampoo Company, observing that domestic comedies like The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet were gaining inroads among listening audiences, pitched the idea of a similar comedy to Phil and Alice. On September 29, 1946, Phil Harris and Alice Faye became the official headliners of NBC’s The Fitch Bandwagon. Since Harris’ show followed the Benny program, the show often began with Phil saying, “So long, Jackson!” and would follow him on his way home from work, concentrating on many of the wise guys he would meet on the way. Most of the show’s action, however, concentrated on Harris’ home life with his wife and two daughters (Alice, Jr. and Phyllis).

For Harris’ new show, his hard-drinking playboy image was toned down somewhat; I assume it was due to the fact that he was now playing a father figure (of sorts) and that that type of carousing behavior would be frowned upon by blue-nosed listeners. Phil instead became sort of an illiterate stumblebum, and his former Jack Benny traits manifested themselves in the form of his best friend Frankie Remley—a character who was in actuality a real person, a guitarist with Harris’ band. Remley had been frequently joked about on Jack Benny’s show but never actually appeared on the program, and during the development of the Harris-Faye show, the real Remley was to originally play himself. It was quickly determined that this arrangement was not working, and so actor Elliott Lewis was brought to portray Remley.

Lewis was no stranger to radio, in fact, he had made many appearances on The Jack Benny Program (although, strangely enough, none as Remley). The comedic timing between Lewis and Harris was simply sensational; a rare magic that, as Schaden mentions in his book, was very similar to the chemistry between Jackie Gleason and Art Carney in The Honeymooners. Remley was sort of a Cosmo Kramer for the 1940s—half-entrepreneur, half-con artist—who generally managed week-after-week to get Phil up to his neck in hot water as a result of some lunatic, half-baked scheme.

So it shouldn’t be too surprising that Alice felt like a third wheel on her own program—although, I really should amend that to fourth wheel. Sometime later on the program, another character was introduced—a smart-mouthed, wisecracking grocery delivery boy named Julius Abbruzio, played by actor Walter Tetley as sort of a tougher, Brooklynese version of the Leroy Forrester character Tetley did on The Great Gildersleeve. Julius more generally than not found himself a patsy in Phil and Remley’s schemes and the interaction between the three characters was the recipe for top-notch comedy.

At the beginning of the 1948-49 season, the show’s title became The Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show, as the Harrises had switched to a new sponsor, the Rexall Drug Company. They had also, by this time, obtained two new writers—Ray Singer and Dick Chevillat—who reached new highs in comedy dialogue with an obnoxious, sarcastic approach that still remains fresh to contemporary ears. The Christmas show I listened to last night, originally broadcast over NBC on December 25, 1949, has Alice praising the girls on their good behavior:

ALICE: Now you’ve been particularly good, Baby Alice—and I’m sure Santa Claus will bring you lots of presents tonight…

LIL’ ALICE: I hope so, Mommy…

ALICE: …and as for you, honey, you’ve been just as good as Alice…you’ve been going to bed early, putting your toys away, and eating all your food…the only thing is, you…you haven’t been drinking all your milk…

PHIL: Well, I try, but you know how that stuff gags me…

Little Alice goes into the next room to see where her sister has wandered off to, and finds Phyllis struggling with her inner demons:

LIL’ ALICE: Phyllis…Phyllis! Mommy wants you to come and…Phyllis! What are you doing with those crayons?

PHYLLIS: I’m going to draw a picture on the wall…

LIL’ ALICE: Don’t do that…you know we gotta be good until tonight…

PHYLLIS: But I’ve been good for three weeks now…Alice, it’s an awful strain…

LIL’ ALICE: I know…but it’s only a few more hours…don’t crack up now…you’ve been so good for so long…

PHYLLIS: I know…but as Daddy always says, “It ain’t been easy, Clyde…”

The girls ask Phil and Alice for permission to stay up on Christmas Eve in time to watch Santa Claus arrive; Phil—perhaps a bit hastily—gives them the okay:

ALICE: Aw, Phil…why did you promise the children that? Now if they don’t see Santa they’ll be very disappointed…

PHIL: But they’re gonna see him…’cause I’m gonna dress up like Santa and come down the chimney…they won’t be able to tell me from the real one…

LIL’ ALICE (from the other room): Daddy…!!!

PHIL: Yes, dear?

LIL’ ALICE: Don’t you dress up and make believe you’re Santa like last year…boy, was that corny…

PHIL: Hmm…you know somethin’, Alice…I still can’t figure out how they knew it was me last year…what did I do that was wrong?

ALICE: Well, for one thing, you were supposed to come in singing “Jingle Bells”…

PHIL: I did!

ALICE: Yes, I know…but those lyrics…I can still hear them…”Ham hocks, turnip greens, they melt right in your mouth…a-candied yams and a-hominy grits and that’s-what-I-like-about-the-South…ah yeah!”

After much discussion of the topic, Alice suggests that they get Jack Benny’s announcer Don Wilson to play the part of Kris Kringle, but Remley is none-too-excited about that plan:

REMLEY: Where’s Alice?

PHIL: Oh, she’s inside callin’ Don Wilson—you see, the kids want to see Santa Claus tonight, so…we’re askin’ Don to play it…

REMLEY: Why are you gettin’ Don Wilson to play Santa?

PHIL: Well, what else am I gonna do?

REMLEY: Well, let them stay up and see the real Santa Claus…

PHIL: Yeah, but I don’t know what time he’s comin’ and (pause)…can I have that again, Herman?

REMLEY: Why don’t you let the kids see the real Santa Claus?

PHIL (after a pause): You better get some sleep, kid…

REMLEY: So, you’re another one of those cynics, huh…a wise guy who don’t believe…

PHIL: You do?

REMLEY: Of course…just because you’ve never seen him don’t mean he’s not there…you must realize, Curly, that there are some things in life that are inexplicable…there exists certain psychic phenomena that are ethereal and beyond the comprehension of we mere mortals…don’t you agree?

PHIL: Oh…induminably…

REMLEY: Curly, you can take my word for it…the real guy will show up…I see him every Christmas…

PHIL: That don’t prove nothin’…that proves absolutely nothin’…you see a lot of things nobody else sees…

Alice reports to Phil that Don is not going to be able to play the part of St. Nick, but Wilson assures Alice that he’ll be able to ask one of his actor friends to foot the bill. All it will cost Phil is ten dollars, but money is no object when it comes to making his kids happy. Shortly after 10:00pm that Christmas Eve evening, the doorbell rings and Phil opens the door:

PHIL: Hello, Santa Claus!

JACK BENNY: Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas and where’s my ten dollars?

ALICE: Jack Benny! Come on in, Jack…

(SFX: door closes)

PHIL: Hey, Jackson—what are you doin’ here?

JACK: Well, Don Wilson happened to mention that you were in the market for a Santa Claus, and you were paying fifteen dollars…so I thought I might as well pick up the twenty and…

PHIL: Wait a minute, wait a minute! The fee is ten dollars…but, Jackson…since when do you have to go around playin’ Santa Claus for money?

JACK: Oh, Phil, please…I’m not doing it just for the money…there are other reasons…I’m doing it because…uh…well, then there’s…uh…oh, I could go on naming reasons like that all night…

When Jack discovers that he’s doing the Santa bit for the children’s benefit and not Phil’s, he decides to be charitable and do it for only $7.50…then he decides he’ll settle for just a nice Christmas gift, “anything that Alice can afford.” But Phil has his doubts about whether his boss can pass muster as St. Nick, and decides to put him to the test:

REMLEY: This impersonation is preposterous…Santa Claus won’t like this…besides, you’ll never be able to fool the kids…

JACK: Oh, I don’t know…with this costume and bag of toys over my shoulder, I shouldn’t have any trouble…

PHIL: No, but it would be awful if you wouldn’t…if you don’t fool them, Jackson, and they…aw gee, if there was only some kid we could try you out on just to see if you could fool them, and…

JULIUS (from other room) Miss Faye, where are ya? I brung something for youse…!!!

PHIL: Julius…! Hey, Frankie, that’s just the kid we need (to Julius)…Hey, come on in here, Julius! (to Jack) Now look, Jackson…if you can fool this kid you can fool anybody…

JACK: Ah, don’t worry, Phil…I’ll just sit in this chair here and you watch his reaction when he sees me…

PHIL: Okay, Dad, and I certainly hope…

JULIUS: Whaddya want, Mr. Harris…I come over to…hey, Mr. Harris…don’tcha feel a little chilly?

PHIL: No, why?

JULIUS: You left your red flannels lyin’ on that chair…

(snip)

PHIL: Julius, don’t you recognize Santa Claus when you see him?

JULIUS: This is Santa Claus?

JACK: That’s right, son…I’m

Old St.

Nick…

JULIUS (yelling): They can’t do this to us little kids! In the name of juvenile humanity, I protest this flagrant disregard…

JACK: Oh shut up! Now sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas or I’ll break every bone in your body! (ad-libs) That’s the kind of a Santa Claus I am…

JULIUS: Get away from me, you impostor you! You’re nothin’ but a fake!

JACK: I am not!

JULIUS: Oh no? What would I find if I lifted up that white wig?

JACK: A brown one!

Phil is not discouraged by this test run, though, declaring that Julius is too old and too much of a wise-guy to be fooled by Jack, and so Phyllis and Little Alice are brought downstairs for a meet-and-greet with Santa:

JACK: Ho-ho-ho…Merry Christmas and…hello again, this is Santa Claus talking…come here, children and tell me how you like ol’ Santa…

LIL’ ALICE: We like you fine, Santa…you’re just like we pictured you…

PHYLLIS: Yes, but…Santa…?

JACK: What is it, my child?

PHYLLIS: You look awfully old…

JACK: Ho-ho-ho…I am, little girl…after all, I’m Santa Claus and I’ve lived for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years…

PHYLLIS: How old are you?

JACK: Thirty-nine…

Jack-as-Santa passes out gifts to the Harris children, and makes a dramatic exit (Remley: “The big ham…”)—though Phil and Alice are chagrined to find out that the two girls knew it was Benny the entire time (Phyllis: “I expected him to take out his violin and play ‘Love in Bloom’.”). Phil is forced to admit to the kids that Santa will probably be arriving too late for them to see him, and he starts to tell them the story of “The Night Before Christmas” as consolation. While reciting the poem, Phil begins to hear sleigh bells, as do Alice and Remley. The children are delighted to see Santa Claus arrive, although the adults are unable to see him—in fact, Phil begins to doubt his sanity until he notices that the milk and cookies Remley put out for St. Nick have mysteriously disappeared…

In her chat with Chuck Schaden, Alice Faye laments the fact that The Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show never made the leap to television, a sentiment that I, for one, also share:

Phil wouldn’t do it. I’m sorry, I think that’s one thing I really am sorry for, that we didn’t go into television. He didn’t want to do it. He couldn’t see another family show on TV.

But fortunately for us, the series lives on through the magic of old-time radio; particularly due to the fact that long-time OTR dealer-researcher Terry Salomonson was able to acquire all of the Harris-Faye transcriptions through their estate. I had the good fortune to chat with Terry via phone a few months back, and he was telling me about all the “goodies” he was able to obtain—not only all of the Fitch Bandwagon and Harris-Faye programs, but those shows on which Phil and Alice guest starred, and of course, the appearances Phil made on The Jack Benny Program. Terry is in the process of digitally restoring these shows, and even has a few of them for sale on his website. As a person who’s bought a few, the audio is simply incredible—and the wit and sarcasm of this fine show continues to entertain today.