“Just a love nest, cozy and warm…”

Of all the husband-and-wife comedy teams on radio—Jim and Marian Jordan (Fibber McGee & Molly), Ozzie and Harriet Nelson, Goodman and Jane Ace, just to name a few—no coupling produced more love, laughter, and affection that George Burns & Gracie Allen. The comedic couple—consisting of a daffy housewife and her ever-patient husband—made listeners (and later TV viewers) laugh for nearly thirty years.

Both Gracie and George caught the show business bug early on in their respective childhoods—Gracie, born in 1902, appeared with her father Edward’s song-and-dance act at the tender age of three, and also danced on tour with her older sisters when she was fourteen. George (b. 1896), at the age of seven, began singing on street corners and in saloons in New York City as a member of the Peewee Quartet. As he became older, George was not the most successful vaudevillian to ever trod the boards, but he was definitely the most determined. He did a variety of acts (including trick roller skating) under a variety of names on stage: “After playing a theater I would have to change my name,” he later recalled. “The booker would never give me another job if he knew who I was.”

George and Gracie crossed paths in vaudeville in 1923; he was dissolving his partnership with Billy Lorraine, and she was proposing that the two of them team up for an act. At first, Burns was the comic and Allen the straight-woman—but when audiences howled at Gracie’s straight lines and maintained dead silence during George’s punch-lines, Burns reversed the two roles, making the team a unqualified success.

The two were married on January 7, 1926, after three years of traveling on the vaudeville circuit. Two years later, they hit the big time with an engagement at New York’s prestigious Palace Theatre. Burns & Allen became fixtures on the Broadway stage after that, and in 1931 embarked on a 26-week-tour in England; it was here they established their broadcast credentials with a 15–week-series over the BBC. George quickly realized that radio would be the perfect medium for their talents; but upon their return to America, found that no one was exactly kicking in doors for their services. An audition for Grape Nuts led the agency executive to remark that Gracie’s voice was “too squeaky” for radio.

But later that year, help came in the form of an invitation from their fellow vaudeville pal Eddie Cantor to appear on his popular Chase and Sanborn Hour. The only problem was—the invitation was extended to Gracie only; Cantor would play the part of Gracie’s straight-man. Miffed at the snub, George agreed to the arrangement—on the condition that he be allowed to write his wife’s material. Gracie turned out to be a sensation on Eddie’s November 15 broadcast, and she stole the show. Both she and George were then invited to appear on The Fleischmann Hour with star Rudy Vallee, and after that triumph were hired for The Robert Burns (no relation to George) Panatella Program in February of 1932. Burns and Allen would take over the CBS program when star Guy Lombardo jumped ship to NBC.

Burns and Allen enjoyed enormous success on radio throughout the 1930s, appearing on various programs sponsored by White Owl, Campbell Soups, Chesterfield and Grape Nuts (apparently they had backtracked on that whole “squeaky” thing). But by the early 40s George couldn’t help but observe that their ratings had begun to slide. Numerous attempts were made to boost the listenership, but nothing seemed to work until George woke up in the middle of the night and realized that the problem was with their format. Since 1932, George and Gracie’s programs consisted of variations on their vaudeville flirtation act, where Gracie usually made eyes at either the guest stars or bandleaders on their show. As Burns succinctly put it, “We were too old for our jokes.” So in 1942, Burns and the writers revamped the program into a domestic situation comedy format, and it is this arrangement that is best-remembered by many OTR fans—particularly their popular Thursday night program Maxwell House Coffee Time for NBC from 1945-49.

The October 3, 1946 broadcast of Coffee Time is a typically funny Burns and Allen outing, and they are joined by guest star Eddie Cantor on this show. The program kicks off as George and Gracie are returning home from an evening out at the movies; from the dialogue and date of the show I would assume that they’ve just finished seeing The Big Sleep (1946):

GEORGE: How did you like the picture, Gracie?

GRACIE: I loved it! Mmm…the way that Humphrey Bogart handles women…

GEORGE: Bogart’s loaded with sex appeal, all right…

GRACIE: Yeah…you know, George, whenever I see him in person he reminds me of you…

GEORGE: He does?

GRACIE: Uh-huh…he always says, “How’s George?”

GEORGE: Bogey’s my pal…

GRACIE: How did you like Lauren Bacall?

GEORGE: Dynamite…they’re married, aren’t they?

GRACIE: Yeah…but gee, they sure don’t act like it…

GEORGE: Yeah, I’d like to talk to Bogart someday…

GRACIE: What about?

GEORGE: Well, a man is naturally curious to know what it’s like to be married to a gorgeous, seductive siren…

GRACIE: Well…I don’t think our marriage is any of his business…

Gracie asks George if they might take a romantic stroll through the park instead of catching the bus home, but George appears a bit reluctant:

GRACIE: I want you to be romantic…like Humphrey Bogart…

GEORGE: Every time I take you to a picture you want me to act like the hero…I wish I’d seen the “Lassie” picture…

GRACIE: So do I…then you’d love to walk in the park…

George finally relents, and as they walk through the park, reminiscing about past romantic experiences, they spot the park bench where George and Gracie first kissed:

GEORGE: Hey, look…there’s a bum asleep on our bench…

EDDIE (snores, then talks in his sleep): Oh, this bench is hard…

GEORGE: The light here is pretty dim but…I think it’s Eddie Cantor…

GRACIE: Oh, don’t be ridiculous…do you think this bum is the King of Show Business? The greatest comedian alive today? The man who makes millions laugh?

GEORGE: No…I think this bum is Eddie Cantor…

GRACIE: Look, George…I’ll prove that you’re wrong…I’ll bend down real close to him and pretend that I’m a nurse…

GEORGE: A nurse?

GRACIE: Yeah, listen…”It’s another girl, Mr. Cantor.”

EDDIE (waking up, yelling) Oh no! Not that! No!

GRACIE: George, you were right…it’s Eddie…

During Cantor’s lengthy broadcast career, the fact that he was the father of five girls—but no boys—was recycled over and over again as sure-fire joke fodder on his program--and others as well. In fact, the girls are the reason why he’s sleeping on the bench—two of his daughters have moved back home (with their husbands); forcing him out on the streets and unable to secure lodgings due to the housing shortage. Gracie concocts a plan: if they can marry off one of Eddie’s single daughters to Meredith Willson (the orchestra leader for Maxwell House Coffee Time), Eddie will be restored to his rightful place in the Cantor home:

EDDIE: Now, just a minute…as much as I want to go back home, I can’t let my little girl marry just anyone…you don’t do these things…I have to know all about this Meredith Willson…where is he from? What does he do? What’s his background? What does he look like? How old is he?

GRACIE: Well, he’s a man about…

EDDIE (interrupting): That’s enough! He’ll do!

Gracie and Eddie immediately set the plan in motion—and Gracie suggests that a romantic backdrop be the proper setting for Meredith’s proposal:

GRACIE: Fortunately, right in this room we have the world’s most romantic singer…

EDDIE: That’s right! (sings) “Oh ho…put your arms around me, honey…”

GRACIE (interrupting): Oh, no…no, Eddie…I…I didn’t mean you…I meant my husband, “Sugar Throat…”

EDDIE: “Sugar Throat”?

GRACIE: Yes…

GEORGE (warbling): “They say that falling in love is…wonderful…it’s wonderful…so they say…”

GRACIE: Ah…that’ll make Meredith propose…

EDDIE: Yeah…a thing like that could replace the shotgun…

There’s just one flaw in Gracie’s scheme: Meredith is incredibly bashful, and is going to have a difficult time popping the question to Cantor’s daughter Janet (who is chosen simply because she has the most comfortable bed):

MEREDITH: I just get so embarrassed…during the war, when they had women clerks in the clothing stores I had a terrible time…

EDDIE: You did?

MEREDITH: Until Japan surrendered, I went without underwear…

So Cantor and the Burnses attempt to coach Willson in the art of proposing:

EDDIE: I’ll explain all about getting married right from the beginning…first, the man and the woman go down to the city hall…they take out a marriage license, and the man pays for it…

GRACIE: He does? George…?

GEORGE (sharply): I paid you back later…

EDDIE: Well, let’s go ahead…after they’ve got the license, the man and the woman go to a jewelry store and pick out a wedding ring, which the man also pays for…

GRACIE: He does? George!

GEORGE: You’ll get it, you’ll get it…

EDDIE: Now, Meredith…next comes the wedding ceremony…you stand up in front of a preacher…he pronounces the proper words…and then you kiss…

MEREDITH: Even if he’s a complete stranger?

EDDIE: Bride, you kiss the bride…

MEREDITH: Oh…

EDDIE: Now you’re man and wife…you go home…and the groom carries the bride across the threshold…

GRACIE: He does? George!!!

GEORGE: You were carried across!

GRACIE: Yes, but my mother did it!

And of course, no Burns and Allen broadcast would be complete without a walk-on from Mel Blanc’s perennially “cheerful” Happy Postman:

GRACIE: …You see, Meredith Willson is getting married…

POSTMAN: Ohhh…he’s so young to suffer…don’t let him do it…

GRACIE: Oh, he’s marrying a very nice girl…Eddie Cantor’s youngest daughter…

POSTMAN: Really?

GRACIE: Yes. Meredith is getting the fifth…

POSTMAN: Well…if he’s smart, he’ll drink every drop of it…

In the end, it’s Janet who ends up doing the proposing—and Gracie’s scheme to solve the housing shortage starts to unravel when an influx of wedding guests means that the sleeping arrangements will have to be modified. The episode concludes with Eddie back on his park bench—joined by George, Gracie, Meredith and the Postman.

After relocating to CBS in 1949 with a show for Amnident Toothpaste, George & Gracie left radio behind for a weekly TV series airing on the same network beginning October 12, 1950. This hugely popular comedy show would last eight seasons—and perhaps would have run longer had it not been for Gracie’s insistence that she was quitting the show to retire. Most Burns and Allen fans remember the couple from their TV show, but having sampled generous portions of both programs from both mediums, I have to say that the radio version was vastly superior for any number of reasons. One of which was that the frequent appearances of guest stars on a weekly basis disappeared during the later years of the television run; another was the ill-advised introduction of real-life son Ronnie Burns to the cast (I just couldn’t see the Burnses with a son, for some odd reason--it was like something out of The Twilight Zone). 

But I suppose my main objection is that I never thought of George and Gracie as visual comedians; they were funny people who said funny things, which is why they were perfect for radio. Listening to their old shows today, I am impressed with the well-constructed wittiness of the program’s scripts (Paul Henning, the creator of The Beverly Hillbillies and Petticoat Junction, was one of the show’s writers during the 1940s) and the innovative use of guest stars (one March 31, 1949 broadcast that explores Jack Benny’s parsimonious origins is an absolute riot). If you’re only familiar with George and Gracie through the TV show, I think you’ll discover that their old-time radio shows are a rare treat indeed.