For most of my life, the Christmas holidays and old-time radio are two pleasures permanently entwined in my psyche. When ever I think of Christmas, old-time radio isn’t far behind. I’m somewhat bewildered as to why this is so, but on further reflection it might stem from the fact that during my childhood, I would listen to radio stations that devoted their broadcast day on Christmas to showcasing these great old programs—notably WBRJ-AM in Marietta, OH (they also featured OTR on New Year’s Day) and WQBE-FM in Charleston, WV. During the original Golden Age of Radio, practically all of the top programs showcased holiday-themed episodes to put their listeners in the festive spirit; and so, this being December, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear will listen to and review some of those classic broadcasts.
Last night, I sampled a pair of shows—the first being The Jack Benny Program from December 8, 1946 . It was customary on Jack’s holiday shows to feature a program in which Jack would drive a department store clerk to distraction through his penny-pinching methods of selecting Christmas gifts for his cast. In this show, Jack attempts to make up his mind on a purchase of shoelaces for his announcer, Don Wilson. The clerk (played by Mel Blanc) becomes more and more frustrated with Jack’s annoying indecisiveness, wanting nothing more than to go home and be with his wife and five kids:
JACK: Mary, when you’re buying a gift for somebody, you don’t rush into things…now, let’s see…if I take the…
(SFX: phone ring)
CLERK: Oh, pardon me…hello? Yes? Oh, thanks…thanks for telling me…goodbye!
JACK: Gee, it’s so hard to…
CLERK: Look, Mister…I wanna go home…I’ve got six kids now!
JACK: Oh…well, congratulations! A new baby…do you mind if I buy something for the little fellow?
CLERK: No…why don’t you buy him a razor?
JACK: A razor?
CLERK: Yeah, by the time you pick it out he’ll be old enough to use it!
JACK: Hmm…that’s an old joke…
MARY: It was new when we came in here…
Jack also labors to find an appropriate gift for his producer:
MARY: Oh, Jack, look…why don’t you get him one of those new canvas golf bags?
JACK: Yeah…he’d love that!
MARY: And it’s only fifteen dollars…
JACK: Oh…gee…I just happened to think…he doesn’t play golf…
MARY: Well, why don’t you give him a nice cocktail shaker?
JACK: Say…that sounds good!
MARY: And it’s only twelve dollars and fifty cents…
JACK: Hmm…I just happened to remember, he doesn’t drink, either…what else can I get him?
MARY: A knife and fork…let’s see you get out of that!
The Jack Benny Program had earlier introduced a recurring character in the form of a racetrack tout that is played on this broadcast by Benny Rubin. (Benny fans know, of course, that the role later became indelibly identified with character actor-future television show producer Sheldon Leonard.):
TOUT: Where ya goin?
JACK: Upstairs…
TOUT: Which elevator you takin’?
JACK: Number five…
TOUT: Uh-uh…
JACK: What?
TOUT: Take number three…it’ll beat five to the top by two and-a-half floors…
JACK: But…but number five is about to go up…
TOUT: I know, I know…but she’s carryin’ too much weight…
JACK: Well, I don’t know…what do you think about number one?
TOUT: Uh-uh…local…can’t go the distance…
One of my favorite things about the Benny show is how oftentimes the gags in each episode would resurface later on during the program, creating a “boomerang” effect. A good example of this is this exchange between Mary and tenor Dennis Day:
MARY: Oh hello, Dennis!
DENNIS: Hello, Miss Livingstone…gee, am I tired…I just walked up to the sixth floor and back…
MARY: Walked? Why didn’t you take the elevator?
DENNIS: Well, I was gonna take elevator number three but some man came over and told me it was scratched…
Before he became old-time radio’s “renaissance man” (director-producer-writer-actor), Elliott Lewis was a frequent performer on Benny’s program. He often portrayed a character (blessed with a memorable dumb voice) that the show’s writers dubbed a “mooley”. Here, the “mooley” is a perfume clerk helping Jack choose a fragrance for his girlfriend, Gladys Zabisco:
JACK: How much is it, Mister?
PERFUME CLERK: Dis is twenty-five bucks an ounce, and da udder one I showed youse is t’irty bucks…
JACK: Well…haven’t you anything a little more…reasonable?
PERFUME CLERK: Yeah…I even have some poifume for twenty-five cents an ounce…
JACK: Twenty-five cents an ounce…what kind of a bottle does that come in?
PERFUME CLERK: It don’t come in no bottle…we keep it on tap…
JACK: On tap?
MARY: I’ll bet they serve pretzels with it…
JACK: Well…I don’t think I’ll take any…by the way, Mister…how come they put a fellow like you behind the perfume counter?
PERFUME CLERK: Oh, my reg’lar job is in da delicatessen department slicin’ limboiger cheese…
JACK: Limburger cheese?
PERFUME CLERK: Yeah…once a munt they send me here to neutralize me…
And of course, no Christmas visit to the department store would be complete without Jack encountering his nemesis, Frank Nelson (who plays the floorwalker):
JACK: Oh, floorwalker…floorwalker!
FLOORWALKER: Yeeeessssssss???
JACK: Can you tell me where the jewelry department is?
FLOORWALKER; Yes…but you’ll hate yourself in the morning…
JACK: Look, I didn’t ask for any wisecracks…you either give me a civil answer or I’ll report you…now where is the jewelry department?
FLOORWALKER: It’s on the third floor…
JACK: Thanks.
FLOORWALKER: Like fun it is…
JACK: Never mind, I’ll find it myself…hmm…this is a fine store to do business with…
FLOORWALKER: You walked in here, Lotus Blossom—nobody dragged you…
Interspersed with Jack’s encounters are individual moments with the other members of his cast as they shop for items, too: Mary, Dennis, Phil Harris & Don Wilson (when a clerk asks him if he’ll need any extra shoelaces with his purchase of a pair of shoes, Don boomerangs with “No…I always get a pair for Christmas.”). Here, Jack’s faithful valet Rochester
FLOORWALKER: I think this tie is beautiful, it’s very unusual…
FLOORWALKER: I see…what type of man is your boss?
FLOORWALKER: You mean he’s conservative in appearance?
JACK (eavesdropping): At least he’s subtle…
MARY (also eavesdropping): Quiet…I want to hear this…
FLOORWALKER: Now, here’s a nice tie…maybe he’d like this one…
FLOORWALKER: It’s only three dollars and fifty cents…
FLOORWALKER: Three dollars and fifty cents…
JACK: Oh, fine…
FLOORWALKER: Well, if you don’t want to spend quite so much, here’s a nice tie for eighty-nine cents…
FLOORWALKER: Of course, it might be a little too plain for your boss…is he a young man?
FLOORWALKER: Is he middle-aged?
FLOORWALKER: Is he elderly?
An encounter with Mr. Kitzel (Artie Auerbach), Dennis’ rendition of “Ole Buttermilk Sky,” and the Sportsmen Quartet’s contribution as wind-up toy soldiers—all of these elements combine to make a great Jack Benny show to enjoy for the holidays.
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