In Jordan R. Young’s The Laugh Crafters, veteran comedy writer Parke Levy (creator of radio/TV’s December Bride) is asked about his former association with writer-producer Cy Howard. Levy’s response is short and to the point: “Cy Howard couldn’t write his name.”
Parke is probably not the guy you would want to jot down as a reference on a job application. But Howard’s inability to sign his John Hancock aside, he was the mastermind behind two of radio’s big hit comedy shows that debuted in the medium’s waning days: My Friend Irma and Life With Luigi.
Luigi was originally auditioned (June 15, 1948) as The Little Immigrant, but the comedy’s title was changed shortly before its debut broadcast on September 21, 1948 . The series detailed the misadventures of Luigi Basco (J. Carrol Naish), a shy but lovable Italian immigrant determined to make good in his newly adopted country and become an American citizen to boot. To accomplish his citizenship goals, he faithfully attended a night school class taught by Miss Spaulding (Mary Shipp) and attended by Horowitz (Joe Forte), Olsen (Ken Peters), and class clown Schultz (the always delightful Hans Conried), who often complained “My rheumatism is killing me.”
Luigi owned an antique store in Chicago Spaghetti Palace
Last night while at work, I listened to a broadcast from December 27, 1949 , which finds Luigi despondent over the fact that he will be unable to follow the American custom of calling one’s mother on New Year’s Eve:
LUIGI: Excuse-a me, Miss Spaulding, but…soon-a is gonna be New Year’s Eve and…I’m-a no have enough-a money to call my Mamma on the telephone…
MISS SPAULDING: Aw…
OLSEN: Oh, poor Luigi…he is homesick…
SCHULTZ: Schtop, Olsen…Luigi iss here mit us…how can he be home zick? Schmile, Luigi…I’m just trying to sheer you up…
HOROWITZ: Luigi…Luigi, how much would it cost to make a telephone call from Chicago Italy
LUIGI: Well, uh…how much is-a cost to make-a the call?
HOROWITZ: Yes, how much?
LUIGI: I was-a ask long distance operator…she’s-a tell me she’s-a cost with-a government tax, fifteen dollars-a first three minutes…five dollars each-a next minute…
SCHULTZ: Ach! If you give a hiccup by mischtake you lost three dollars!
MISS SPAULDING: Yes, it is quite expensive…if you should speak to your mother for only ten minutes it would cost about fifty dollars…
OLSEN: Gee, that’s a lot of money for a phone call…
HOROWITZ: True, true…but when you wanta talk to your mother, a t’ousand dollars ain’t too much…wait, Luigi, I got an idea for you…why don’t you lend the fifty dollars from your friend Pasquale?
MISS SPAULDING: Mr. Horowitz, it is not lend…it is borrow fifty dollars from Pasquale…
SCHULTZ: What’s the difference? Either vay he ain’t gonna get it…Luigi, I got an even better idea…go into Pasquale’s schtore ven he’s not dere and make the call on his telephone…
LUIGI: No…no, thanks-a, Schultz…but-a now I know what I’m-a do…it’s-a hard to get-a money from-a Pasquale…but maybe he’s-a gonna let me use-a his telephone and when-a the bill has-a come, I’m-a gonna pay off-a little by little…
HOROWITZ: That’s a good idea!
SCHULTZ: Oh, Luigi, are you a schmartkopf! Schmile…and vat if you don’t pay him back zo quick? Vat can Pasquale do to you? Can he zue you in court? Can he take avay your schtore? Can he make you marry his daughter Roza?
LUIGI (timidly) Schultz-a, can he?
SCHULTZ: About the zuing and the houze, I don’t know…but about Roza…on dat I can giff you my guarantee!
And so, Luigi bravely confronts Pasquale with his dilemma:
PASQUALE: Luigi, my friend! ‘Allo, Luigi…’allo, ‘allo…
LUIGI: Hi-a, Pasquale…uh, Pasquale…I’m-a want to ask you a big-a favor about New Year’s Eve…
PASQUALE: Sure, little-a banana nose…you know anything I’m-a got is-a yours…my house-a…my food-a…my clothes-a…my daughter Rosa…
LUIGI: Ah, Pasquale…thank-a you very much-a for your house and your food and-a your clothes…
PASQUALE: What about-a my daughter Rosa?
LUIGI: You’re welcome…no, Pasquale, please-a…forget about-a her…
PASQUALE: I will! After you marry her!
LUIGI: Pasquale, I’m-a come here to ask-a you a big-a favor for…so let’s-a us not fight…
PASQUALE: All right, all right…what’s-a your big favor, money?
LUIGI: Well, uh…is-a phone call I’m-a like to make tomorrow night with your telephone…
PASQUALE: All right…who you gonna call?
LUIGI: Italy
PASQUALE: What-a, you crazy? People call up-a countries, they call up-a people…
LUIGI: Huh?
PASQUALE: What-a you gonna do, call up Italy Italy Alps ?” That’s-a crazy!
LUIGI: No, Pasquale…you don’t give me chance-a to explain-a…I’m-a like to call my mamma on New Year’s Eve…
PASQUALE: On-a my telephone? It’s-a cost about a thousand dollars!
LUIGI: No, Pasquale…only about-a fifty dollars…and I’m-a promise you I’m-a gonna pay you back…
PASQUALE: Hey, Luigi…maybe we make a little-a deal…
LUIGI: Huh?
PASQUALE: You know, on the outside, I’m-a look like-a I’m a hard-a man…but deep-a down, you know I’m-a filled with the milk of human kindness…and-a for you, there’s always a couple of big-a squirts…
LUIGI: Aw, thank-a you, Pasquale…you’re the biggest-a squirt I know…
PASQUALE: Atsa funny thing…when I’m-a say it, it’s-a come out-a different…
LUIGI: Yeah, but-a Pasquale…what is this-a deal you was talking about?
PASQUALE: Well, Luigi, it’s-a strictly business…I’m-a willing to lend-a you the fifty dollars from my own-a personal loan-a company…The Pasquale Finance Corporation…
LUIGI: Ah, thank-a you, Pasquale…
PASQUALE: And as-a it’s-a gonna be business, you gotta have a co-signer…somebody who’s-a married…
LUIGI: Well, all right…I’m-a get-a Schultz…
PASQUALE: Eh, no…it must-a be a female married to co-sign…
LUIGI: All right…Mrs.-a Schultz…
PASQUALE: Also, she’s-a gotta be married to my son-in-law and his name’s-a gotta be Luigi…
LUIGI: Pasquale…you mean-a to get-a some money I’m-a gotta marry Rosa ?
PASQUALE: Heh heh heh heh…’allo, my son…
LUIGI: Heh heh heh heh…goodbye, papa…
Repulsed by the very thought of being manacled to Rosa, Luigi decides to borrow the amount he needs directly from the loan company—and to show that there’s no hard feelings, Pasquale phones the company up and sabotages his efforts by offering to act as a character reference for Luigi (“He’s-a just gotta new job…he’s-a workin’ in a poolroom.”). Luigi even resorts to going directly to the phone company in an attemptt to get them to “lend” him a long-distance call, but to no avail. A dejected Luigi returns home to his store and Pasquale tries to lift his spirits:
PASQUALE: Let’s-a you and me and Rosa , we go walking down-a Michigan Boulevard…we watch-a Rosa push-a the crowd a little, eh? Don’t answer, I’ll call her in-a now…oh, Rooosssa…Rooosssa! ROSA !!!
PASQUALE: Yes, my little-a kewpie doll…Rosa , say ‘allo to Luigi…
LUIGI (resignedly) Hello, Rosa …
PASQUALE: Rosa …any minute is-a gonna be …what are you gonna do?
PASQUALE: What’s-a that?
As the clock strikes , the trio’s conversation is interrupted by the ringing of Luigi’s telephone. To his surprise and delight, it’s Mamma Basco calling from Italy
Life With Luigi enjoyed a healthy five-year stint over CBS Radio until March 3, 1953 (there was apparently also a fifteen-minute daily version broadcast in 1954) and often gave The Bob Hope Show a run for its money in the ratings. The show briefly appeared on television in 1952, but the program’s run was relatively short-lived, owing in large part to complaints about its ethnic stereotypes. Listening to the program today, there are a few moments that will make modern-day audiences wince, but the show remains enjoyable for me if only for its talented cast (Naish, Reed, and Conried were all master dialecticians) and the memorably funny comic villain that was Pasquale.
Proving that everything old is new again, Life With Luigi returned to television—sort of—in the guise of What a Country! (1986-87), a sitcom tailored to the talents of comedian Yakov Smirnoff, who played a newly-arrived Russian immigrant attending night school to prepare himself for American citizenship. Country also had its origins in a popular Britcom called Mind Your Language, which ran on ITV from 1977-79 and in a revised version in 1986.
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